SWEATY ANGLE
by plasterbrain
Summary: Totally canon Smash Bros. newcomer Nick Name is looking for her true love and just about everyone at the company is a candidate. Will she realize her dream in time for Ness's big 14th birthday bash/talent show/prom/full-moon ritual? Or will it take the effort of all her besties to teach Name the power of being herself? Odd # chapters by me, even # chapters by JelloApocalypse.
1. What I'm Craving (Reader x Pac-Man)

It was another dreary 9 to 5 at Smash Bros. Ltd., but Nick Name's enthusiasm burned as brightly as ever. She was on her lunch hour, which she took at the same time every day so she could get a glimpse of her hot Smash crush, Pac-Man. He was the new boy in town, a blonde sphere with a smooth attitude and the fighting skills to match. Yep, Pac was her kind of guy.

Oh boy, it was raw egg day. Raw egg day was Name's favorite day; it was the day they served raw eggs. Raw eggs were like a party ball - you always knew you'd find a zygote inside, but what kind of zygote? The suspense was unbearable.

The lunch lady, an old koopa with a scraggly tooth and librarian glasses, scooped an egg out of the bin with a ladle and slapped it onto her tray with such finesse that the otherwise non-liquid object made a luscious schlop. Name turned and studied the cafeteria.

Pac-Man was sitting across from Shulk, with enough fruit between them to fill several still lifes. He tossed the Monado Boy an orange, and Shulk scraped off the rind with a tiny Xenoblade-styled paring knife.

Pac-Man saw Name watching and smiled. Or was he just opening his face? It was hard to tell, but Name liked to think it was a smile. She blushed to herself. Today would be the day she would finally talk to him.

"Hi, Pac-Man," Name said demurely, gently setting her things down at their table. Pac-Man made one of his usual unintelligible sounds.

The doors of the lunchroom slammed open and in flew a trio of cartoonish ghosts, Luigi scrambling in their wake.

"Ohwawawawahh! Everybody take-a cover!" he cried, wrangling in his vacuum. "The prophecy has been a-set into motion! The end is niiiiigh!"

"I'm really peeling it!" Shulk announced to the orange.

Pac-Man opened his mouth in alarm - or was he smiling? - as the ghosts flew around the room, one making a direct beeline for their table.

"Oh no!" cried Nick Name in horror. She sprang forward to shield her love with her strong arms, but it was too late. The ghost cannonballed into the fat yellow target that was Pac-Man, sending him spinning on the spot with a cry of anguish until he folded into nothingness.


	2. Second Banana (Reader x Luigi)

Nick collapsed to the linoleum floor in a heap. She was in shock, not from fear of the ghosts but from the death of her two-day love interest. She knew he would soon respawn on a floating platform in the break room of the building sans one stock that would quickly be replaced in the flag storage room, but it just wasn't the same. The man she had loved was gone. All that remained was a ghost of him, and also literal ghosts.

The spooks flew around the room, grabbing Pac-Man's posthumous lunch and throwing it at the other patrons. A few smash veterans grabbed their weapons and took aim at the ghosts, their attacks futilely passing through like an allied-yet-hated Nintendog assist trophy. Ike, sitting on his daily throne of uncooked steaks that he somehow procured through illicit Wario-dealings, would have none of this food-fight debauchery in his throne room and countered Shulk's orange which a ghost had thrown his way.

Speaking of Shulk, he too was mourning Nick's spherical love next to her. Either that or he was ducking on his knees underneath the table to hide from the ghosts.

"I'm really kneeling it!" Shulk announced to the linoleum. He was pretty cute, cowering like that. He was blonde too, just like Pac-Man sort of. But he just wasn't the same. What could possibly fill the vacuum in Nick's heart now?

"Vrrrrrrrrr!" hummed Luigi's vacuum. From across the room a great turbulence began sucking up the ghosts one by one. Ploink! Ploink! Ploink! It seemed that Luigi had acquired a Smash Ball in the fifteen seconds since Pac-Man's death and stuffed it into his Poltergust. Smash Balls were a pretty rare commodity since the economic downturn. You were surprised Luigi was selfless enough to waste one here to save his comrades.

His uncle-brown mustache blew majestically in the vortex he commanded. Nick noticed a twinkle in his eye she had never noticed before. Something beneath the cowardice. Something hidden. Something she had to discover.

As quickly as Pac-Man had faded away, so was her lust for him replaced by desire for the overall-sporting Italian stereotype with a nose the size of her fist.

He probably had some other good qualities too, but she couldn't think about that right now. At the moment Nick Name wanted nothing more than to jump into Luigi's arms. She lept up onto the fruit-laden table and took a running jump into the vortex.

"Hold on, Luigi!" She shouted triumphantly, long jumping into the nozzle. The suction took with it a banana that lodged itself into the Poltergust, causing its engine to backfire. The vacuum exploded, taking Luigi with it. The ghosts flew off. "OOK," said DK, mourning his lost banana.


	3. The Frog Prince (Reader x Greninja)

If anyone was her rock through Nick Name's grief, it was the cool Greninja, who would often loom on the lofts of the premises, watching over the lives of his fellow brawlers with quiet disdain and aloofness.

"Oh Greninja," sighed Name, joining him atop one of the balconies and reflecting on that afternoon's violent proceedings. How dreadfully she had mourned the loss of the green plumber and the other one, until she remembered Greninja was around and how really, she had always pined for him in a way. Maybe the amphibian returned her feelings - after all, her mother had always said she was pretty. It would be an unusual marriage, but one that their undying love could hopefully burden through.

Greninja inflated like a cheese bubble as his breaths slipped quietly in and out. He nodded sagely, not having been present during the episode but always a link in the elaborate news network established as part of Wario's illicit dealings. His pale pink scarf, which was actually his tongue wound about to appear as a scarf (a genetic disorder, they said), undulated in the light breeze, making her hot and bothered. Garments made of frog appendages always did.

She imagined that enormous tongue the size of a small child in her mouth and blushed a glowing red. Perhaps, Nick Name mused, when kissed the Pokemon would reveal his true form as a handsome samurai and whisk her off to a romantic temple somewhere for her fearless display of unbridled passion. Yes, Pac-Man and Luigi's untimely deaths had been the fumbling act of destiny, and her true fate was to be wed with the lissome frog.

"Greninja…" Name repeated, meeting his eyes shyly. They sprouted from opposite sides of his triangle head and bulged out accordingly, not swiveling to look at her but gleaning her appearance from the periphery each of their separate views offered.

"NIN!" croaked he. The synergy between them bounced back and forth like a hot, wet sock.

Name puckered her lips and leaned towards him. closing her eyes. The moment felt just right, the night lit by a tapestry of stars.

Greninja was alarmed. He shot out his tongue in surprise, decking her in the face. It was as delightful as a jack in the box filled with human ears. Name was covered in saliva.

"That wasn't romantic at all!" she cried, but it was too late, for enormous hives had erupted all over where the kiss of death had landed. Oh, no! How could she have forgotten! Her mother hadn't said she was pretty! She'd said "you're pretty allergic to frogs!" And maybe also she was pretty, but that was secondary! Name sprinted inside out of embarrassment and the need for the ER.


	4. A Spark of Romance (Reader x Pikachu)

"Give it to me straight, Doc. How bad is it?" Nick asked. Or she tried to anyways. She was covered in hives and so swollen that her head looked more like a sack full of doorknobs than a human face and the noise she made at Dr. Mario sounded more like a stagnant, gurgling pool of swamp water than English.

The good Doctor had heard of his brother's death earlier in the day but decided to stay on the job and didn't show a hint of worry. Such a professional.

"If you take-a this pill, the swelling _should_ go down. Or it might not. Honestly this isn't-a really my field. I mostly just treat-a the fevers and the chills." Such a professional.

Nick attempted to choke down her bright yellow-blue pill for a few moments before Doc informed her it was a suppository. If she needed help inserting it, he said that she could ask the volunteer nurse for assistance. Today was Wednesday, which in addition to Raw Egg day also meant that today's nurse on-duty was Shulk, who was attending to Pikachu, wounded in a cot nearby.

"I'm really healing it!" he announced, applying a salve to Pikachu's forehead.

As cute as Shulk was, Nick didn't want him anywhere near her nether regions, at least not until the third date. She was no harlot. Instead she turned her attention to the small, electric mouse across the room and her softball cheeks immediately swelled with the rosy plumage of lust and imminent butt medicine.

Pikachu had always been popular, that was for sure. Pikachu was one of the company's oldest employees and he(?) had been around the block once or twice before. His cousin, Pichu, had worked here a few years back too, but that was just a temp thing. Nick wouldn't mind Pichu back in the fray. He had always been one cool customer. Maybe this wound was destiny. Maybe her role was to mate with Pikachu, and then one day give birth to a new Pichu. Sure it sounded a little weird, but hey she was just considering tadpoling it up with Toungescarf McSubstitute. Nick would try anything once.

"Hey there, Pikachu." Nick batted her eyelashes. Because of the swelling she was unable to blink the eyes together, so instead they went one after the other, twitching like a beached fish reflecting on its sad, fish life, moments before dying. Pikachu made a noise of discomfort. Hm. Spoken flirtation wasn't working. She'd have to try something more drastic.

In an act of solidarity between sickmates and blushy people she decided to walk over and rub her big gross cheeks against Pikachu's. They were both red! Like a waterlogged bobblehead, she bumbled over and mushed their faces, receiving shock therapy for her efforts.


	5. A Real Knockout (Reader x Little Mac)

Name licked her wounds and left the infirmary to try inserting the pill in the privacy of her dorm. She headed to the second floor, making sure to avoid the weight rooms and swimming pool, which were popular spots to socialize at this hour, choosing the halls by the company's lesser used facilities, like the darkroom and the ball pit. She passed the computer lab, a seldom-visited locale since many of the smashers did not know how to use a computer.

A husky voice caught her ear as Name walked by, reading something aloud: "Her breasts heaved against the confines of her corset. 'Oh Little Mac,' she cried, 'you're such a hunk. Take me now!' He was a hunk. 'Ok,' he said real hunkily, and he took her now.'"

Out of curiosity she would regret Name poked her head into the computer room. Little Mac was slapping away at a keyboard in his boxing gloves, a bead of sweat glistening on his brow.

"I didn't know you were a writer," Name said innocently. "I love writing fanfiction too!"

"NAME!" shouted Mac, nearly tipping back in his chair. "Jesus, you scared the crap outta me. What are, uh, what are you doing here? And what the heck happened to you?" He recovered and tried to nonchalantly lean backwards against the computer screen with a nervous laugh.

"Well, I was on my way to go put a butt pill up my butt for my allergic reaction but then I heard you reading. It sounded pretty saucy! Can I see it?"

He crossed his legs at the ankle and wobbled a bit in this awkward pose. "Haha, see what?"

"Your story!" said Name, wobbling towards him. He weaved back and forth to cover the screen but she got a glimpse of the title: "A Real Knockout [Nick Name x Little Mac]."

"I CAN EXPLAIN!" he squealed. But he couldn't explain, because she kissed him before he could find the words. A self-insert starring her! This was a dream come true!

"Oh, Little Mac..." Name said, going scarlet. "Would you… insert my suppository?"

"Guh, N-Name…" Little Mac blushed and fumbled with the gigantic pill in his gloves while Name tittered, throwing down her pantaloons and bending over a desk. "Y-You sure?" he asked. "I dunno how to really do this." But he sure liked butts.

"I'm ready… Just be gentle."

"Ok…" Little Mac went to insert the pill in an uppercut and inadvertently delivered a knockout punch that sent Name flying through the ceiling.


	6. I Met a Knight (Reader x Meta Knight)

Name was finding this was not her day. In addition to the suppository Little Mac had lodged somewhere deep in her pancreas, she was now blind. Either that or it was dark. One of the two. When her sensory organs overcame the shock and pain of a horny KO punch she noticed that whatever claustrophobic, inky black pit she found herself in smelled vaguely of cardboard and cigarettes.

"I don't remember this room," she said.

"Hey, get out of here!" gruffed a grizzled voice. She turned her head, neck still lodged in the floor, to see the lit end of a well-smoked cigarette poking out of the mouth of Solid Snake. "You're jeopardizing the mission!"

"Snake!" Name exclaimed, an exclamation mark popping up above her head and tipping over the box the two of them were concealed under. She winced at the sudden brightness of the white, sterile room. "What are you doing here? I thought you were fired."

"Keep quiet! They'll hear you!" Snake hushed, pushing a finger to her lips, no longer swollen.

"Who'll hear us?" Name whispered, getting in on the act. She had never talked to Snake before and wanted him to think she was cool. She only knew him from the Wall of Shame that hung outside President Hand and Vice-President Crazy Hand's joint office. She recalled the placard there said something about him being fired as a direct result of the Turnip Incident.

"Bah! This mission's already been compromised! I'm pulling out!" That's just about the _last_ thing Nick wanted to hear at this point. This fanfiction wasn't going well at all.

Snake and his pert ass wobbled out of the room, leaving Name alone. The room was filled end to end with rows upon rows of mannequins that resembled blank Mii Fighters. Name had never been in this room. Probably a secret or something. Time to see what she could steal!

She wandered over to a box of accessories, frisking gloves and hats meant to adorn the Miis or feed Amiibos. It must be gross to eat this stuff, she thought, picking raw egg from her teeth. Suddenly one of the masks she touched jostled and out popped Meta Knight.

"MK!" she cried, using a nickname she had just that second made up. It was kind of her thing, making up nicknames. MK scowled at her.

"You are disturbing my slumber," he croaked. Nick offered to sleep with him to make up for it and she found herself smash-moved onto her butt back out in the hallway.


	7. Where the Heart Is (Reader x Villager)

From the looks of things Mac's punch had sent her two floors up, for down the hall was the adorable abode where Villager roomed with Jigglypuff. Nick Name knew that after a hard day, there was nothing better than having a cup of tea with those two. A friendly gyroid was stationed outside, and spun around as she approached. She knocked on the door and let herself in without waiting for response, as she knew was polite in Animal Crossing culture.

Jigglypuff was reading a book, an impressive feat once you consider her arms are like two stubby accidents on either side. Villager was watching a miniature television styled to look like an apple. They looked up when she entered and both smiled kindly.

"Oh, Jiggs, Vill, today has been so awful. Do you think we could have some girl talk?"

Villager was a dude but if he took offense he made no sign of it, probably because he's mute. While he sat Name down at their pinewood table, Jigglypuff bounced away to fetch her manicure things. Jigglypuff loved painting nails. She was terrible at it.

He patted Name's hand with his ball arm and spawned a question mark over his head, prompting her to speak.

"Today has just been one mess after another. I just know my true love is waiting for me somewhere, but I can't find him. I just want someone to hug and kiss and put hats on."

Villager sweated anxiously to show his sympathy. Jigglypuff returned, hopping up on the chair beside Name and offering her a choice of two colors. Name chose red, unscrewed the bottle, and handed it back to her.

"First I thought I was in love with Pac-Man, but then things got weird at lunch and I realized I'm just not into dead people. After that it's just been one freakish injury after another. I think Little Mac likes me, but he punched me in the butt and I can't feel my lower body now."

"Heartbreak," emoted Villager, which she knew meant "Domestic violence is never ok." Jigglypuff whisked the brush back and forth, painting Name's entire hand in firetruck color. Once it was sufficiently coated in goop, she moved onto the second one.

Name looked into Villager's black eyes which stared back unflinchingly, like the abyss in that one quote. She knew Villager would never reject her, understanding she needed his support most right now. She scrunched up her face and focused on summoning a heart emoticon, making her whole body tense, to say she loved him platonically or possibly more than platonically in his own language.

Mostly she just summoned a sortie of stomach gurgles, so Nick Name called it a night.


	8. The Darkest Secrets (Reader x Pittoo)

It had been a long and tiring day. Even though it was only about four o'clock Nick Name was already decked out in her PJs and tucking herself into bed.

"What are you doing?" Dark Pit grumbled, sitting criss-cross apple sauce in his spiky black decal racecar bed across the way.

"I'm going to bed, obviously." Nick nuzzled herself into a pillow. She and Pittoo didn't jive.

Due to the 4th quarter's large cast there was no longer enough room to house each brawler in their own in-company room, so now they paired up. Villager was with Jigglypuff, Marth was with Lucario, Palutena roomed with Pit, and because there was no fourth co-worker from Skyworld, Dark Pit drew the short straw and he was stuck with Nick.

"It's not even dark out yet," he pointlessly observed.

"It does not matter how bright the sun burns... it shall always be eclipsed by the darkness that is my soul," Nick monologued, quoting page 63 of Pittoo's horrid "It's not a _diary!"_ poetry journal she had found under his bed in a cardboard box with the word PANDORA scribbled on it in an angry teenage sharpie.

"Hey, that's a cool line!" he asserted through a voice crack. "And stop reading the Pome Tome!" He pronounced the word "poem" in a monosyllabic way that made it rhyme with "tome" and also made it incredibly stupid. Pittoo was a mess, just like his half of their one-room apartment that he kept purposefully unkempt for attention.

"I only read it once," Nick groaned, "Those terrible lines will stay with me forever."

"That just means they're thought provoking and timeless!" Dark Pit said like he had won.

"Okay sure whatever. Can I read this one?" She held up another book that was covered in crayon drawings of barbed wire and frowny faces, warding away any curious toddlers.

"Wh- NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT!" he screeched. "WHERE DID YOU GET THAT!?"

"Under your bed in the _same box,_ you dork. Let's see," Nick cleared her throat, "'People I secretly kind of don't hate: Palutena, Pit, Toon Link, and-" She stopped short, her eyes as wide as dinner plates topped with heaping helpings of what-the-fuck pie. It was her name, circled in black crayon, which was the only color Pittoo could see. Before either of them could react, Shulk popped in dressed in shorts for the company volleyball game that afternoon.

"I'm really stealing Pit!" Shulk recruited, grabbing Pittoo and zipping out the door.


	9. Shining Star (Reader x Kirby)

Name looked back and forth between the open door and the intimate diary in shock a bit longer before deciding she'd had enough nonsense for one day and merely fell back on the bed, letting the notebook hit the floor. She let herself descend into a long and restless sleep.

When she awoke, it was dark outside. The clock read an impressive 6 pm. Name supposed she could take a break from her R&R and go get dinner. Oh boy, tonight was nothing night. Nothing night was alright; it was the night where they didn't serve anything. Mostly people went out to eat, though there were always the few with nothing better to do but beg for others' scraps and she was happy to count herself among this number. She brought her empty food tray to Ike's steak mountain and hoped he was in a good mood today.

"Hello, Ike," Name said politely, ulterior motives on display like a Boy Scout badge.

"What do you want, there, short female one?" Ike seldom had time for remembering people's names unless he was angry at them, so everyone except Marth was referred to as a series of adjectives.

Fortunately Name had been practicing her starving orphan face in the mirror every morning just for times like these. She gave him her most tragic pouted lips and froggiest eyes.

"Well, I didn't have anything for dinner tonight. And I saw you had all those meats in your pile. I'm sure if you could find it in your heart to-"

"Sorry, female. You'll get no sympathy from me. I need these steaks to assert my dominance."

Well that was just not fair. Kirby thought so too, and protested from where he was sitting.

"Poyo, poyo poyo poyo poyo!" cried Kirby, getting up to join her. "Poyo poyo poyo poyo!" Though Name had no idea what it meant, it sounded really compelling. She contributed a "yeah!" just to get his point across.

"Cease your nonsense speak, confusing disembodied pink object!" Ike roared. Kirby leapt up in defiance and began to inhale the steak pile. Steaks flew towards him and piled up in his cheeks like a hamster's.

"NO!" said Ike, as the mound began to topple, taking him along with it. Name took the opportunity to grab one of the steaks sliding down the side before the Radiant Hero could grab his sword and swat the two of them away. "Fools! Those steaks are not for eating!"

Name turned to thank Kirby for his help with a kiss on the cheek, but at that moment Kirby swallowed his bounty and assumed the form of a mutant screaming steak that skittered away.


	10. Having a Little Fit (Reader x Wiifu)

After medium rare Kirby scuttled out the swinging cafeteria doors he was quickly replaced by a posse of smashers decked out in sports gear. Zero Suit Samus, Shulk, Little Mac, Sheik, and their leader, Wii Fitness Trainer strutted into the room. Those five made up the Ath-beats, a group of athletes proficient in beat-downs. Also Pittoo was there. Name groaned. It was never fun to be around the Ath-beats when they were riled up from their games, and from their manner and their stink it seemed like the volleyball match had gotten pretty intense.

"Man!" Mac chortled, Pittoo under his beefy arm, "You took that ball to the face so many times, bro! Maybe instead of Dark Pit we should call you BALL Pit! Hahaha!" Pittoo muttered something resentful under his breath but that only made Mac laugh harder. Name furrowed her brow. If anyone else assigned a dumb nickname on her watch the sparks were gonna fly.

"We almost had you girls this time!" Mac boasted to WiiFu and Samus. "Four on two isn't fair! We'll have to recruit someone else to our team and make it five! You down, Ike!?" Ike did not respond. He was busy sobbing manly tears over the loss of his steaks. As these were Fire Emblem Brand steaks, once they died they were dead forever. "Haha! Man! Classic Ike!"

"We don't need Ike," Sheik scoffed, "Us guys are more than enough to take the girls down if we train hard enough! R-right?" Sheik was Zelda with some gauze strapped on her face and literally everyone knew it, but it was too awkward to say anything so everyone just went along with it.

"Take a break. Eat a healthy and balanced diet to regenerate your strength," WiiFu suggested, gesturing towards the lunch line, chock full of F-tier smashers in line for nothing.

"Oh. Hello there, Name." WiiFu talked in a way that was somehow condescending, but not condescending enough to call her on it and Name hated that. She also hated her perfect, sculpted porcelain abs. How's a girl supposed to compete!?

"Sup!?" Sheik tried to be intimidating but looked more like she was trying out for a bad music video.

"H-hey Name," Mac tried to cross his arms like he hadn't punched her butt earlier that day but he forgot that he was still holding Pittoo's head in his arm who was now being crushed between Mac's biceps. That's gonna be another hate chapter in the Pome Tome.

"Hey," Samus waved. Samus was pretty cool. She could easily beat all four of the boys on her own in any sport, and all five of them on days where WiiFu woke up as a man. It was about a 50/50 shot each day. Name figured she should warm up to WiiFu now and wait for the switch.

"Keep eating that nothing! You're looking especially fat today," WiiFu said. Okay nevermind.


	11. Behind a Great Man (Reader x Ganondorf)

The last thing she wanted was to stick around in a room with Little Mac, Pittoo, and that bitch WiiFu. Name dumped the questionable steak she had pilfered on a nearby table and ducked out of the cafeteria before things got any worse, letting her feet take her wherever.

They landed her at the entryway of the library, a cozy little hideaway with something for everyone. Marth was over in the Boring Section (unofficial name) reading nonfiction on military strategy, while Peach and Rosalina gushed over their romance novels and Lucina pored over classic literature. There was an old rocking chair by the fire place with a carpet where Ganondorf read nursery rhymes aloud to a bored looking Ness, Toon Link and Lemmy Koopa, who appeared as though he had never been told anything so thrilling in his life.

"This little piggy had roast beef," Ganon was saying. Ness stared at him like a 13-year-old being told the daily routines of anthropomorphic pigs.

Seemed like as good a way to unwind as any. Name plopped herself down seductively on that carpet behind the kids. (It was important to multitask, Name knew. Someone could be scouting for a girlfriend this very second, and she had to be at the ready.)

"And this little piggy took over Hyrule and everyone became his slave," Ganon read, pointing to a page that had been inserted with sloppy colored pencil illustrations of people on fire.

"You suck!" said Toon Link. Ganondorf lobbed the book at him and stood in a rage.

"Fine! But one day I'll be a famous author and you'll all be sorry!" He growled and stormed off, Name quickly standing up to follow. He threw himself down in the chair next to Marth, who looked annoyed at the unexpected company, and began to complain.

"Can't a man be appreciated for his efforts?!" said Ganon. Name appeared in the third seat.

"I agree with whatever you just said!" said Name.

Lucina arrived in the fourth, not liking the idea of other women around Marth.

"M-Me too!" she cried. Marth slammed his book on the table in exasperation. Name studied the Demon King from across the table. He had eyes like two unicode bullet points, a line she would have to remember to share with Extra Pit later. Above them were two handsome traffic cone eyebrows which went straight into his cornrows. Nope, Name just couldn't find one good trait about him. Might as well just throw this one away.

"Are your pants from space?!" she botched, "Because it hurt when you fell down from heaven in my mind all day!" Ganon blinked at her, one eye at a time. Marth got up and left.


	12. Shell of a Guy (Reader x Bowser)

Name followed Marth's lead and led herself to the Non-Ganon section of the library and plopped herself down at a table. Marth himself took his book and tried to find the quietest part of the Non-Lucina section and failed miserably. She trotted right behind Marth with sparkles in her eyes, trying desperately to get her "ancestor" to notice her. Unlike Sheik, no one quite knew what Lucina's deal was. She spent most of her time trying to hang out with Marth and was always cosplaying him for some reason. It was nice to remember sometimes that Name wasn't the bottom of the exploding barrel.

Two of the Koopalings whose names she couldn't remember dashed between bookshelves playing a game that involved throwing books at each other. Bowser hurriedly chased after them cleaning up their messes. He began fervently apologizing to Marth, whom Larry (or was it Ludwig?) had just crashed into.

Bowser was a good man. He did his best to raise a series of septuplets that some woman he had never met dropped on his doorstep one day, claiming they were his children. He still paid alimony every month, a fact that harshly cut into his King Koopa fund which explained the low-budget clown cars and the failed kidnappings. He did his best to make sure that Bowser Jr., his actual son, was treated no better than the rest of his adopted children.

Wendy (The Girl One, Name recalled), smacked into Marth again from the other direction, knocking him over with a satisfying CLONK. Lucina quickly rushed to his aid before Marth popped up, dusted off his cape, grabbed his book and strutted out the door.

"Hmph! Where I come from, we _slay_ unruly dragons, I'll have you know." Name always forgot that Marth was pretty old and actually kind of racist. Lucina trotted after him, apologizing to Head Librarian Sandbag for the ruckus. Sandbag let her off with a condescending stare.

Huh. It seemed everyone was pretty messed up in this company, least of all Name herself. She needed someone like Bowser to set her straight. He was strong and caring and pretty tall. His eyebrows were also kind of traffic cone-ish, but as momma First Name always said, true beauty is inside the shell. The usual tactic for going after the frazzled, divorced, too-many-kids sitcom dad was to cozy up to their spawn first. She found one of them tearing pages out of a pop up book, wearing sunglasses inside for some reason.

"Hey there… Morton. What're ya doin'?" she asked sweetly.

"The name's Roy, lady," spat the Sunglasses One. Alright, maybe this was the wrong approach. Perhaps Name should try the Lucina method. If nothing else, Marth literally couldn't ignore her! Name applied some of the Jigglypuff nail polish that had been on her hands the last few hours into a makeshift 1/20-die-roll Bowser costume. Bowser seemed confused. Name immediately realized this was a dumb idea. Sitcom wife wasn't really her anyways.


	13. Shining Star Again (Reader x Rosie)

The table where the two princesses sat looked a little more inviting. Rosalina and Peach were awful nice and Name could use a break from her association with brawlers of the male persuasion. They both gushed over copies of the same book, a flashy autobiography. Luma sat on a pile of hardcovers, simply content to be a part of the scene. As always.

"Name!" said Peach when she approached. Peach and Rosalina dressed in matching camisoles and pajama pants in each's usual color. "Peachy!"

"Hey PeePee," Name answered, using what was frankly one of her weaker nicknames. Rosalina flourished her delicate fingers to show them off.

"What do you think?" asked Rosalina. Her nails had Jigglypuff's unmistakable touch.

"Those sure are yellow," Name said middle-of-the-roadly. "What're you guys looking at?" The two looked at each other and sighed dreamily.

"It's Douglas Falcon's _autobiography,"_ Peach said, as though this meant something.

"We simply adore Mr. Falcon," Rosie added. She let some of the hair fall in her face. "But Peach has already got a suitor and, well, I'm just too shy to talk to anybody." Luma made a sad chirrup and floated over to pat her on the head. She took him in her arms.

Name laughed. "You came to the right girl, then," she said proudly. "I happen to be a bit of an _expert_ on picking up guys. I'll teach you everything I know!"

"Oh, would you really?" Rosalina's face lit up like a mosquito lamp. "That would be wonderful!"

"Yeah! I'll pretend to be Captain Falcon, and you can practice your smooth moves on me." Name struck a pose to emphasize that she was Captain Falcon.

"Oh, well!" The princess cleared her throat as though a very sexy beetle were about to crawl out of it and lay eggs. "How do you _do?"_ she asked rather huskily.

"Very well, and you?" Name tried to get into it, but man did this not make her moist.

"Simply wonderful, now that you are here." Rosalina looked away. " _Mr. Falcon."_

"Well, little lady," Name man-voiced, "how would you like to come to my room later tonight and show me your moves?"

"You suck!" said Toon Link.


	14. Excuse Me, Princess! (Reader x Zelda)

The telltale "rime-dong" of the library intercom that signaled closing time cut through the room. Name looked up in mild surprise. Despite Toon Link's constant jeers the three girls had really gotten into the role-playing and it seemed they had lost track of time.

Library patrons slowly shuffled back out into the company lobby via the glass double door entrance. Sandbag gave each of them a stare that meant "Thanks for browsing, come again!" Name always wondered how Sandbag actually pressed the intercom button but that was a mystery for another day.

The trio of girls exited the library in front of Bowser's brood. Bowser thanked Sandbag for putting up with them and gave a passing nod to Peach in a futile attempt at being neighborly before getting into the shipping elevator to take his kids to bed.

Peach and Rosie thanked Name again and gushed over her obvious talent with the fellas. She declined their invitation to watch the Captain training in the gym with them and they frittered off, giggling at Rosie's romantic prospects.

"We'd better be quick!" said Peach, "It's almost bedtime!" Those two never stayed up past ten. The E Rating practically oozed from them. Name, more of a "Rated T for Teenage Angst Pittoo" type decided that she had time enough for a cup of something-or-other before bedtime over at the company cafe across the way.

She walked through the doors of _Mama's_ , a cozy diner the titular Cooking Mama had rented a ways back in efforts to raise her chances of being hired as a quarterly newcomer to no avail.

Name waved at Mama behind the counter. Mama smiled back. Link and Zelda (in regular garb) were sitting in a booth, evidently on one of their sad excuses for a date. Zelda called Name over the moment she saw her. _Oh here we go_ , Name rolled her eyes.

"Hey guys," she said, walking over and trying her best not to sit down and make this a long-term thing.

"Name! So nice to see you! Sit down, sit down! Link was just telling me the _funniest_ story." He wasn't. Link looked at Name helplessly and improvised some noises to convince Name that this couple had any chemistry whatsoever. Each series's incarnation was a failed relationship.

"Ha. Ha. Isn't he great?" Zelda said, "Can you excuse me a moment." Zelda stood up and led herself to the bathroom. A few suspiciously long minutes of what Link called a conversation later, Sheik emerged and immediately began flirting with Name. Zelda was as gay as the day was long and everyone knew it. Link put up with this because he only spoke in screams and knew he couldn't do any better.


	15. Our Love Takes Flight (Reader x Pit)

Name made some excuse that it was getting late and got out of there before things got even more awkward. No cup of bedtime coffee was worth the company of bored and horny Zelda. She hadn't eaten anything since lunch, but Pittoo had a habit of keeping unexplained crackers around. They were just one of the many treasures that could be found from rummaging under his bed, like diaries and eyeliner caps and creepy manga.

Channeling her inner Zero Suit Samus, Name roundhouse kicked her door open and somersaulted under Extra Pit's bed.

"What are you doing?" he asked, looking up from his creepy manga. Name popped out nibbling some oyster crackers.

"Dinner," she replied with cracker on her face.

"Close the door. Someone's going to see you looking all ridiculous eating my crackers and then they're going to think I'm a loser for rooming with you. Even more than they already do."

"Did someone say someone?!" A foot appeared in the doorway searching for a door to push open. Finding none, Pit revealed himself sheepishly, wearing his Hall Monitor uniform. "Normally this is where I roundhouse kick open the door and somersault under Pittoo's bed."

"Way ahead of you, bro." Name gave him double pistols and a wink.

"What's all this noise going on during quiet hours? Am I going to have to discipline the two of you for disturbing the peace? Also Pittoo I need my book back."

"I'm almost done," Pittoo said defensively. "And just so you know, I'm only reading it _ironically_ and not because I like the series. Also the purple one has big boobs."

"You know who else has big boobs?" Name said, rolling into the middle of the carpet. "Meeeee!" She sported a proud B-and-a-half-cup, but it wasn't like Pit^2 could do any better. "You can discipline me, officer." She presented her arms to be cuffed and taken to the station.

"Y-You'd _better_ not!" said Dark Pit. "B-But only because I don't want to be a virgin longer than you! And not because I like Name!" He had a poker face like a color-changing goblin.

Pit looked as though Name had asked for his liver on a plate. "Actually," he said, fumbling for his walkie-talkie, "k-keep it. I gotta do a call on Prince Marth's room again. Last time I didn't come soon enough and Lucina bit three people." He trotted off with a squeak.

"Looks like I'm stuck with Surplus Pit," Name said, though Surplus Pit seemed content.


	16. Ungodly Romance (Reader x Palutena)

Morning came the next day like an unwanted side of chutney on your breakfast order at Mama's. Name rolled out of bed, trusting the floor to wake her up. She readied herself to smack into carpet and maybe some of Pittoo's loser DVDs he was "just borrowing from Wario" but instead found herself scraping her nose on what felt like concrete.

"Ow!" She said, patting her injury. She sat up and found she was in some kind of dimly-lit dungeon in a prisoner's outfit she was pretty sure she didn't go to bed in. "Where am I? Did Diet Pit drag me to some kind of creep-o sex dungeon while I was unconscious? Ugh, I _knew_ this would happen if I let him watch those Wario DVDs. Let me out of here!" Name prattled back and forth on the bars with a tiny blue cup she found conveniently placed in her cell.

"Well! It appears our perpetrator is awake!" said an authoritative female voice.

"Our peppy perpetrator!" added a plucky minion voice Name was too groggy to immediately recognize. It sounded like the two were marching in step.

"Maybe she'll be a perky peppy perpetrator!" Palutena rounded the corner wearing her "Hall Monitor Warden" sash proudly and papping a billy club shaped like her scepter in her hand.

"What's this all about?" Name whined, still rubbing her ailing nose.

"Is the perky, peppy perpetrator asking our purpose?" proposed Pit.

"She is, Lieutenant. Nick Name - if that _is_ your real name. You are accused on the charges of noise-making, resisting arrest, and seriously creeping out an officer. How do you plead!?"

" _Groan_ ," Name onomatopoeiaed, "Is this about last night? I was just _joking_ , Pit - unless you're interested in which case I'm all for it."

"How did you know it was me!?" Pit blurted out. Palutena shook her head.

"Where are we?" Name said. It was too early for this. "How did you even get me down here?"

"They let me carry the body," Pit Lesser popped his head out, "Haha heh heh snort."

"Fine. I plead guilty." Name shrugged. Pit was pretty cute and she didn't care who knew it.

"In that case, you're free to go!" Palutena snapped her fingers and the cell door swung open. "Honesty is the best policy! Good luck out there, you cougar, you!" and Palutena gvae her a wink before slapping her on the butt like a gym coach and telling her to get the hell out of there. "I've got officer that need commanding!" She motioned to Pit and Pit alone.


	17. Strongest Power of All (Reader x Shulk)

Oh boy, cilantro day. It was the day they served cilantro. Name wolfed down her pile of cilantros while Marth looked on in horror, the fork of quail eggs and sauteed mushrooms en cocotte he was eating suspended in front of his mouth. Marth had a meal-time entourage which included a private chef and violin player, though she was convinced this was less to avoid the in-house dining menu and more as a valid excuse to reject Lucina's home cooking, and also to have a violin player. Customer Service stood on the table, bowing skillfully.

"Silly me, thinking no one would disturb my breakfast at 5:30 am," he said.

"Sorry I'm late!" Lucina came in, carrying a newspaper and tripping over the ends of her Mark of Naga-patterned pajama pants. Her hair was bed-strewn and she rubbed her eyes, evidently having a hard time adjusting to Marth's early bird schedule. His fork shuddered as he trembled with rage.

"SILLY, SILLY ME." Lucina slid to grab a food tray.

"Normally I'm asleep until seven, but I woke up in jail this morning," Name explained, earning an eyebrow raise which seemed to question the sorts of nonsense she got herself into.

Lucina threw herself onto the spot next to Name, dropping the tray of cilantro sprigs with a clatter. "Oh boy, cilantro day. Cilantro day is my favorite day," she said, rubbing her hands. "It's the day they serve cilantro."

"That's _disgusting,"_ Marth said, losing his appetite.

Lucina slapped the tray so that the cilantros went flying, some landing in her hair. "M-Me too! I hate it! I find this offensive!" Gosh, everything about Lucina was a mess, Name thought. She was the sole reason the company stopped sponsoring an annual father-daughter dance.

"So wait, Name," she said with a little yawn, "did you know they were writing about you in the _Xenoblade Chronicle_?" Lucina unfurled the newspaper, a twice-weekly tabloid edited by Shulk which relied on reader submissions for its content. _Little Mac Ends the Dry Spell,_ it read.

 _A source informs us that this feisty boxer was found having a mid-afternoon tryst with none other than fellow newcomer Nick Name, who was very willing to bend company T-Rating policy for the heat of the moment, seduced by his wild passion._

"That's _disgusting,"_ Marth said, losing his appetite.

"He was inserting my suppository!" cried Name indignantly. _Which I needed for trying to kiss Greninja,_ she added in her head, but hey, who's counting?

 _Will this blossom into something more for long-time bachelor Mac and self-proclaimed love expert Name? Or is it simply a fling? Little Mac declined to comment, but his trainer, ex-champion boxer Doc Louis, had this to say: "He's showin' her what he's got, baby!"_

 _The 'Roy's Our Boy' sit-in continues…_

Name seethed. "Ohhh, Shulk better be _really repealing it_ by the time I'm through with him." She stood up and wiped the cilantro juice from her mouth. "This ends now, Monado Boy!"

"They rejected my poems again," muttered the princess.

Marth choked on his spit. "What was that bit about a sit-in?"

Name hustled out of there and up to the third floor, where Shulk shared a room with Ganondorf. She slammed her fist on the door repeatedly.

"Get up, Shulk! I know you're in there! You're a dead man, you hear me?!"

Ganondorf opened the door in his boxers. If only they had dog shows but for people with unshaven legs, then Ganondorf would have won best in show.

"Do you have _any_ idea what time it is, blasted woman!?" he shouted.

"I'm not wearing a watch!" she raised her voice to match his. "Where's Shulk!?"

"I don't know! Probably in the darkroom!" Ganon hollered even louder. Ike burst the door open across the hall, wearing his briefs and a sturdy morning erection.

"I TOO LIKE TO SHOUT!" he yelled like a terrible rooster. Name didn't have time for this. She left them to their screaming match and scurried to the darkroom, her hands like two twitching dowsing rods set only on strangling Shulk.

"I'm really revealing it!" Shulk announced, watching his photos develop.

"SHULK!" Name said in the doorway. "How _dare_ you publish that article about me and Little Mac! And goddammit, why is Marth the _only_ one wearing pants at this hour of the morning?!"

Name was so angry that the only way she could solve this problem was by making sure the story wasn't true! She strode over to where he was, wheeled him around and kissed him.

They broke after a minute, a trail of saliva between them. "I wasn't really feeling it," confessed Shulk, and Name throttled him.


	18. Zero Chance of Failure (Reader x ZSS)

"Sure is-a strange how almost all of-a de patients we've had check into the clinic in the last four days have had something to do with-a you…" Doc muttered, glancing over his clipboard.

"Hey," Name countered (her Down+B), "I'm only directly responsible for two of them! Sorry, I-Chu's-You." Pikachu crossed his arms in his adorable little cot and visibly sparked at the cheeks, wary of another confusion-inducing Sweet Kiss. A few days back Name had been studying up in the library with Japanese-native Marth in an effort to open both her mind and legs to Marth's culture and genitalia when she discovered that "Chu" was a noise that implied kissing. Name had gotten a little curious and things quickly got out of hand, as they often did.

"Besides," Name turned to Doc, an annoyed hand on her hip which was popped out in Shulk's direction, "I did this one a favor and dragged him here myself when I was done with him."

"Yes, but you probably shouldn't have-a _literally dragged him_. Please refrain from injuring your co-workers outside of work, Miss-a Name. And you, leave-a that bandage on!" Doc ordered.

"I'm really peeling it!" Shulk protested, itching one of his many scrapes. Say what you want to about Name's mediocre flirtation, when she started smashing she was nothing to sneeze at.

"Pik-achoo!" Pikachu purposefully sneezed at Name in a petty act of vengeance.

"Careful there, Pika!" Peach warned, "We must remember to cover our noses when we sneeze in the infirmary!" She spoke in a manner befitting a children's show host and wagged a matronly finger.

Pikachu used Mean Look. Peach smiled back, charmingly. It had no effect…

The first part of Peach's early-to-bed, early-to-rise routine involved volunteering her time at her fiance's free medical clinic. She liked to encourage patients to eat healthy and tried to entice picky eaters into eating their vegetables by drawing goofy faces on them. Samus, also on her morning routine, briskly jogged past the clinic's doors.

"Ooh! Hi Sammy!" Peach waved. After a moment Samus jogged backwards into view and gave a friendly return wave while running in place.

"Hey." She was about to trot away but Name called out to her before she started up again.

"Uh, hey, Samus! Can we chat for a sec?" Samus nodded and Name gave Doc and Doc-ette a quick goodbye/sorry before heading out into the hallway. The two girls began walking downstairs to the main stage where most of the business end of their job took place. Today was a work day, after all.

Samus was dressed in her orange sports outfit this morning. Even though it left her midriff exposed it was still somehow less revealing than her Zero Suit, which left absolutely nothing to the imagination. Name had discussed this with her before. Samus had tried to wear something that made her look more modest, but it was hard to find clothing that hid her perfect curves outside of her tin can Power Suit. Apparently she felt the most comfortable in her scary robot armor, a fact which Name did not understand in the slightest. She _wished_ she had Samus's body. And her demeanor.

Really she kind of just wanted to be Samus. Samus was cool, collected, smart, and gorgeous. Everyone thought so. Name went to Samus whenever she had any problem that warranted more than Pittoo's sarcastic, don't-bug-me-I'm-brooding advice. Name looked up to her as a mentor. Heck, she didn't even have a nickname for Samus. Nothing seemed to suit her as well as her armor. Their footsteps echoed in the hallway.

"So…" Name struggled to find a conversational foothold, "I've been having some boy issues lately." Samus looked down at her expectantly. It was hard to meet that gaze. "See, I've been trying to find _The One,_ but all I've gotten for my efforts is a bunch of creepy dorks chasing after me, some sleazy articles, and a fist up my-" She cut off her own vulgarity. Samus was never vulgar. "...And Little Mac punched me." Samus's eyes widened slightly.

"He _punched_ you?" She said, her voice as quiet and powerful as a blade in its sheath.

"Yeah! ...I mean, not like _on purpose_ I think. It's- It's because I've been trying to be all cool and romantic. I tried to convince Mac- and PeePee and Rosie too! I spent most of last night convincing them I could teach them how to flirt with Captain Falcon!" Name caught herself short. She had totally forgotten that Samus had been interested in Captain Falcon for months. Oh _crap_ , she was gonna be so pissed! "Ah, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to steal him from you- not that I _could,_ I mean you're you, but-!"

"Douglas and Rosalina, huh?" Samus stared off into the distance. She had been rooming with Falcon for awhile but they had never officially been a couple. Samus was kind of a loner. The entire room was basically the Captain's except for the small tube Samus slept in to restore her energy. "...Don't worry about it. I had my chance. If Douglas prefers Rosalina then that's just fine." Name walked alongside the taller woman in an awkward, quivering silence.

"...Hey." Name bolted up like she had just sat down on the toilet seat after Pittoo had peed on it. Samus gave the the faintest of smiles. "Calm down. I don't mind. I'm just happy you told me about it. ...But Name. Tell me something. Were you really trying to convince Mac, Peach, and Rosie? Or were you trying to convince yourself?" Name said nothing. Samus softly placed her hand on Name's shoulder, just above her heart. "You can talk to me anytime. Okay?"

They had arrived. Samus turned and entered the stage doors, leaving Name alone, thinking.


	19. Let Me Be Your Queen (Reader x Dedede)

"But wait! You forgot to tell me how I get the boys to show me their penises!" Name cried in dismay. Samus always managed to hold a conversation without ever saying anything. Just another talent of hers for everyone else to envy. Name yawned, feeling a little tired from the lack of quality sleep a jail cell floor can provide. She supposed she should crawl back into bed and get a little shut-eye so she'd have the proper energy to face the day.

"Nah, that's stupid," she told herself, settling on some training instead. Name may have been pretty tough - though she didn't like tooting her own horn - but there was never harm in a little extra assurance that the victory in her future matches would be totally hers.

Name stood akimbo, surveying the weight room in her sports bra and athletic shorts.

"FUS RO DAH!" She let out a battle cry! Name didn't know what "FUS RO DAH!" meant, but she had heard people saying it before and besides, it sounded like a tough guy thing to say, like something you would say while parking your motorcycle.

This was sort of an unpopular hour to be pumping iron among the cast; 7:14 found King Dedede perched on a bench while his waddle dee worked one of those tiny pink barbells. Little Mac - Name groaned - was nearby on the lat pulldown, going about as fast as you could shake a maraca. She found an open place next to the struggling waddle dee and started doing some squats.

"You know having your minion weight train doesn't count as you working out, right?" Name said, turning to Dedede.

"Don't you sass me! I went to college!" he responded cryptically. Mac perked up hearing the two and let the bar fly up with a clang so he could join them.

"Oh hey, Name, didn't uh, didn't see you there," he sputtered, trying to lean on a rack of medicine balls until he realized it was on wheels and it slid out from under him. He settled for crossing his arms. "You uh, you get my card?"

Name stuck her nose in the air and continued to squat. "Did you hear something, Dedede?"

"Yeah, Little Mac's tryin' to get your attention," said Dedede. "And that's _King_ Dedede to you."

Little Mac scratched his nose. "Well, I left you a card and some flowers that said 'I'm sorry I punched ya in the butt.' Uh, the card said that, I mean, not the flowers, 'cause flowers can't talk. They're sort of squashed 'cause that prissy boy prince walked by while I was pickin' 'em so I hid 'em under my armpit so he wouldn't see and think I was all girly and stuff."

Name stopped her exercises and glowered at him. "Well I'm sorry you went through all that trouble," she said. "Because I didn't see it yet and besides, I've decided I'm in love with Dedede now. Also I kissed Shulk like an hour ago, but yeah, Dedede's the one."

"Guh huh!?" Dedede gave a start. "I'm what now?"

"Name, you can't do that!" Little Mac cried. "Come back to me, baby girl, I'll treat you right. It's just I got so worked up from seeing you I had a KO in the back pocket." He put his gloved hands on her shoulders. "Just yesterday you said we would always be together, babe. Wait, no, that might have just been in the fanfiction. But you were still pretty in character at that part!" he said sincerely. "That was a really good part!" Name brushed him off.

"It's too late, for I have already begun learning the ways of the bird. As each second passes, a little more of my humanity leaves me." Name sat down next to the confused Dedede with her arms dangling between her knees, and her eyes bulged. "TWEET. CHIRP CHIRP."

"Are you making fun of me?!" Dedede squawked.

The wrestler wrung his hands, frantically searching the room for something to use. "Oh yeah?" His eyes landed on the waddle dee. "Well I bet birdman here, uh, can't do _this!"_ The waddle dee flew up in the air in his arms as Mac started pressing it up and down. "Feel the burn!"

"Wait, I'm confused," said Dedede, who had been exercising vicariously through his minion. "Who's working out now, me or you?"

"He's trying to show you up!" cried Name. "Quick, Dee, lift something heavy!"

"OK!" said Dee, throwing a waddle doo from his robes. "Go lift something heavy!" It obliged and wandered over to the wayward medicine ball cart, selecting a whopping 1-pounder. Little Mac swapped the waddle dee to one arm while plucking up the doo with his second.

"Well now I'm all out of minions with arms! Darn you!" the king howled, getting up from the bench to perform the biggest feat of all. He picked up Little Mac and raised him up until they were like a magnificent three-tiered wedding cake at a wrestling match.

It lasted about a single rep before Dedede collapsed and they all had to be sent to the hospital. Dr. Mario would not be thrilled.


	20. Bird of Prey (Reader x Falco)

The moment Name saw the Triple D tower tumbling down she turned and headed for the door, hoping to escape unnoticed in the confusion. Before she could slip outside a pair of figures appeared to block her path, heroically silhouetted in the doorframe.

"Well, well, well," snipped Falco, "What do we's haves here?" He threw the rhetorical question over his shoulder at his partner in crime, Fox. The two were standing back to back, Charlie's Angels style.

"Well Falco," Fox replied, "Looks like a little lady."

"I hoid from a friend dat dis Little Lady was lookin' fah some boid love!"

"That friend was me!" Fox grinned.

"Where'd _you_ hear it from, Foxy?"

"Well, a little birdy told me!"

"Hey, dat's me!" The pair laughed in three unified beats. Listening to these two was like watching a mobius strip made out of a middle schooler's Captain Spacepants lunchbox. "So," Falco smiled his toothless bird smile, "What says you and me go hit up da Smash Arcade?"

"And I'll be there too!" Fox noted.

"Yeah you will!" They did whatever the animal equivalent of "knucks" was and grinned simultaneously. Name tried to wedge her way past them with the finesse of a housewife trying to slam the door on a traveling salesman.

"What gave you the idea that I was interested in dating bird people?" she said. Fox chortled.

"Uh… uh… gee, I dunno? Maybe… this little number right here!?" He whipped out a tape recorder with plastic Arwing parts duct taped to it. He pressed a button and after some horrible grinding noises the player sputtered to life like a dying Putt-Putt.

"IT'S TOO LATE, FOR I HAVE ALREADY BEGUN LEARNING THE WAYS OF THE BIRD," croaked a fast food drive through window version of Name. "TWEET. CHIRP CHIRP."

"Our boy Slippy whipped this up in the Lab!" Fox said proudly. Name had seen "the Lab." "The Lab" was a large series of cardboard boxes filled with light-up sketchers, medical supplies looted from Doc's clinic, and those neon lightning orbs you usually see in sketchy 70s/80s apparel thrift/porn shops, though in this case they were probably obtained through illicit Wario-dealings. Fox's crew usually spent most of their free time in the Laaaaaab whenever they weren't flying through the hallways in their "Arwings," which were cardboard boxes with Nerf guns taped to them. A large part of Wolf's resignation a few years before stemmed from the time Fox and Falco had gotten too rough and shot him with a foam bullet in his left eye, which had been established as "against the rules." Fox and Bird Fox never apologized to Wolf and he had stormed out, crying "Playtime is over, Star Fox!" through his tears. Falco looked at Name expectantly.

"That squawk box proves nothing," she huffed, "It sounds totally photoshopped."

"Check out what else she can do!" Fox giggled like a bully about to flush Little Timmy's pet goldfish down the school toilet and pressed a series of buttons. The box grinded out a cut-and-paste message:

"NAME - THINKS - FALCO - IS - A - TO - TAL - HUNK - A - SAURUS" The Star Fucks giggled mischievously at their dumb toy.

"I do not," Name said flatly.

"She does not!" Mac flailed, still pinned under Dedede's girth in the middle of the gym. He did a futile breaststroke on the floor and grunted with all his might but the beanbag penguin would not budge.

"Youse outta luck, sistah," Falco snorted at Mac, his accent somehow more atrociously Bronx than Mac's himself, "This Lady's gonna be comin' with uzz."

"High score in Galagaaaaa!"

"Yeah, you know it!" Another Star Knucks. Name was tired of this business and wanted to get out of here as fast as possible. If she wanted to slip by she'd have to be crafty. She'd play their game. Name slithered up to Falco like a lathered-up serpent.

"The arcade...? But wouldn't it be better just to skip to… the fun part?" Name batted her eyelashes that snakes do not have. She pecked Falco on the cheek and Mac immediately filled his KO meter in rage. Falco grabbed her hand.

"Awwww yeahs!" He cried in triumph. "Now we ain't virgins no more!"

"Excuse me?"

"You knows what they says…" Falco grinned. "A boid in da hand…" Fox finished his thought:

"Is worth two in the bush!" Name punted the both of them into Dedede's pile and strutted out.


	21. Thoron to Us! (Reader x Robin)

True to his word, Mac had left a letter and a pile of squashed dandelions and a sad pikmin outside her door. Name picked up the note and examined his scrawl.

 _I'm sorry I punched ya in the butt. I get real overwhelmed by pretty girls, and you are one of those. You have a nice butt thogh. Good job cutie. Do you want to read some more fanfiction sometime. I would love to read yours. I hope you like flowers. I found them outside. I think girls like those. Sorry they are smashed. I am running out of room so I will talk to you later._

 _Your Mac._

Mac wrote like he was trying to arrange words from the bone pieces regurgitated by a barn owl. It was also quite likely he didn't realize he had gifted her a fistful of weeds, but boys will be boys, am I right? Name looked up and saw a second envelope taped to the door. She yanked it off absent-mindedly and pushed the door open.

"Scree!" cried a voice in the semi-darkness. The blinds were down; Pittoo had set up a blanket fort between the two beds and the incoming wash of light burned him. Name knew he just liked to complain though, so she paid him no mind and began tearing at the envelope.

Inside was a striped notecard with an elephant on the front wearing a party hat. It said, "You're invited!"

 _Ness's 14th Birthday Bash! Friday at 7:00 pm the Rec Center_

"Oh, a birthday party." This was probably meant for Pittoo, since she and Ness rarely hung out, but Name thought it was common knowledge that animals wearing party hats was against her roommate's religion. Pikachu's alt costume was tournament-banned after it sent him into hysterics. She threw herself onto the bed, sending a shockwave which toppled Fort Little Tikes instantaneously.

Pittoo dug himself out from under the wreckage. "HEY!" he yelled. "We were having a band meeting!" Toon Link's head popped out from beneath a pillow shortly after.

"You suck!" said Toon Link.

"A _band meeting?_ With _no instruments?"_ said Name, blubbering her lips in obvious contempt. "If I had known I was interrupting professionals, I would have knocked first."

"We're obviously just writing the lyrics!" Pittoo struggled in his blanket cocoon. "For your _information,_ we're called Death Stinks Politely, and no you CAN'T join!" Between the two members there was enough eyeliner to paint railroad tracks from there to Snowdrift Station.

"Oh yeah?" said Name. "Well what if I do this?" She logrolled on top of them like a heavy, sweaty teenage bear with human breasts.

"Grrrhgh! Why are you so FAT?!" cried Pittoo, who had turned a bright pink. She heard a muffled "You suck!" from somewhere underneath her legs.

"Shut it, pipsqueak," said Name, though as things were she was quite comfortable. "So I can't even stand in the back and play tambourine?" she asked Double Pit.

Robin breached the surface and let out the breath he was holding.

"No, because _I'm_ playing tambourine," he added.

"Gah!" Name reacted as though the blankets had just started squirting frosting. "When did he get here!? Who is this?!" she gestured for Pittoo. Mostly she was impressed they had enough bed linens to conceal this fully grown man for as long as they did.

Dark Pit gave up the struggle, pinned down by Name's elbows. "Duh, he's our tambourine guy," he said while offering a massive eyeroll.

Robin blinked. "I'm sorry I startled you." He slowly draped a blanket back over his head.

"I was just a little surprised because I thought these were the all-girls dorms." Name got up, looking towards the man and effectively crushing the lower half of Pittoo. Toon Link had gotten lost again in the rubble. The tactician remained completely still in this comfortable mound. She stared at it for some moments.

"Looks like he left," said Name, giving up. "Darn. There goes my chance at getting some morning tail. I will always love him."

"But he's RIGHT THERE." Pittoo caught himself. "N-Not that you could even do that anyway, but only because he's our tambourine dude, and I don't want him getting distracted! Not for some other dumb reason or whatever!" His legs were falling asleep. "And what do you mean you l-love him?"

"I never got to tell him that before he left." Name wiped a tear, since her eyes watered from all the yawning she was going through.

"Hmmph. That's what you get for liking someone. I can never love because of my dark backstory." Pittoo looked around and cleared his throat. "But since you're so DESPERATE I'll let you be my groupie or s-something. But only because I feel SORRY for you! Hmmph!"

"Okay!" said Name, who cheered up immediately and fell asleep on top of him.


	22. Getting it On (Reader x Diddy Kong)

When Name awoke it was a balmy two in the afternoon. The fact that the blinds were up meant Pittoo was absent and the room didn't need to fit his darkness quota. Name rose. She was still on the toppled remains of Fort Little Tikes, crushing Ness's invitation in her hand.

"Whoops, I guess I forgot to give this to Cherry Pit." She shrugged and tried to slip the invitation safely into her cleavage like she had seen the cool girls do on TV, but the crumpled cardstock felt really uncomfortable and she gave up after receiving a boob papercut and she slipped it into her pocket instead. The party was tomorrow. She'd have to find some way to kill time until then. Name hopped up and looked at the company calendar on the wall.

"Alright," she droned, drumming her finger down the activity list, "Tell me what to do today..."

"You should go compete in the Break the Targets tournament!" suggested a voice from the corner of the room. Name had not noticed Robin standing there because there was a lampshade over his head.

"I wasn't talking to _you_. I was talking to my inanimate calendar. Don't be weird."

"Oh," he answered blandly, "Sorry. I couldn't see who you were talking to because I've got this lampshade on my head. I'll be quiet." Robin resumed being a lamp. As weird as he was, Name chose to take Robin up on his advice and found her way to the courtyard in the center of the labyrinthine building. The courtyard doubled as the company greenhouse which supplied the smashers with all their items. Simply pluck one of the weeds from the ground and voila, something would pop out that may or may not be explosive.

Donkey Kong and Diddy spent most of their time here climbing on the vines that lined the glass walls. Even now Name could hear their monkey sounds in the distance.

A small stage had been set up in the center of the courtyard with a sparse crowd milling around it. Captain Falcon somersaulted onto the stage and grabbed the mic stand, tilting it like it was his flamenco dancing partner.

"FALCON LADIES AND FALCON GENTLEMEN," he boomed, his vocal tic taking center stage, "This is the last call for the Break the Targets tournament! If you're interested in falcon entering, then falcon punch your employee ID into the computer up by the stage!" He flexed his muscles in the direction of ROB who was parked in front of stage right with a sign incorrectly reading "BALLOT" draped around his face.

Name weaved through the crowd and fed ROB her ID card. He responded with a beep and spat it back out in her hands. Name looked it over. It sported a picture of her in duck face pose, snapped in mid-blink. Not her best moment. ROB's head spun around and he printed another small piece of paper that read "PARTNERS: VILLAGER + NAME." Villager, whom she hadn't seen standing behind her, prompted her to turn around and converse by pressing A.

"Oh, Vill! I didn't see you there!" Name said, "I didn't even know this was a team competition! Actually I didn't really know this existed until ten minutes ago when a lamp told me." Villager smiled and a spritz of flowers appeared around his head, ignoring her lamp comment.

"Alright!" Captain Falcon commanded the stage, "Everyone's been partnered up, so it's time to START THE COMPETITION! First falcon match!" He paused for ROB to print out a tournament list. Never one to stay still, the Captain improvised a muscly dance to entertain the viewers but it mostly just ended up entertaining Rosalina. After a minute ROB shot out a tourney bracket and Falcon puffed out his chest to announce the first battle. "FIRST MATCH! ...Ike and Diddy Kong vs. Name and Villageeeeer!"

"Yes!" Ike cried, hoisting his sword in the air, "Come, small hairy man! We cannot lose! My steaks will be avenged!" Diddy made some chimp sounds in response and clapped his hands.

"Come on Vill," Name crossed her arms, "We can beat these chumps easy!" Villager's face flushed a violent red and tiny puffs of smoke erupted from his forehead, a silent rallying cry of victory. Name was inspired. The contestants climbed up onto the starting platform. Jigglypuff, who had come to support her roommate as the two always did for each other, attempted a thumbs up.

"Here's the FALCON RULES!" Emcee Falcon announced, striking a pose with every upward inflection, "There are twenty colored targets, TEN RED and TEN BLUE, for each team! ...Or at least, there should be! Due to FALCON BUDGET CUTS, each team only has ONE target! Find and break your target hidden somewhere in the canopy above, and you FALCON WIN!" Name and Villager slipped into a pair of well-worn, ripped up blue gym class jerseys. Ike received a matching red jersey and squeezed into it, his muscles tearing it apart like paper.

"Is everybody ready?" Some muted cheers from the falcon audience. "Falcon three… falcon two… falcon one… FALCON GOOOO!" Ike erupted upwards with aether and disappeared into the trees and Diddy Kong took off into the underbrush.

"Vill, you go look into the trees! I'll take care of Diddy Kong!" Villager nodded and two balloons sprouted from his back and he ascended into the canopy, his unblinking smile brushed away by the trees. Name herself, a smasher with terrible air game, went after Diddy Kong the only way she knew how. A duckface sprouted from her front and she began chasing the chimp. "Oh Diddy~! If you come out I'll spank your monkey!" She rounded a corner and slipped on a banana he had carelessly thrown moments earlier, landing smack on her ass.

Why was it that every time Name tried to flirt she ended up with an injured butt?


	23. Personal Cheerleader (Name x GHOSTS!)

Diddy scrambled up a tree trunk in the distance, while Nick's eyes combed the skies for a blue target. Through the foliage she saw Villager gliding to the far side of the greenhouse, lowering as he made way to land, as Ike thundered along close behind, hopping from branch to branch. The tree branches creaked underneath the strain of his boots. He readied his sword, which caught the sunlight, and Name noticed a long thin rope was tied to the hilt above the cross-guard. A rope? Name wondered. Where did he get a rope?

"Hey, Ike!" she shouted to the branches, "You can't have a rope! That's cheating!" Name was glad she had met her daily quota for heroism and knew Ike would take this to heart and make important changes in his life.

"There's no such thing as cheating in the world of men, small human girl," he said instead, not removing his gaze from where he was aiming. "There are only men!" That had probably sounded cooler in Ike's mind.

With the rest of the rope coiled beneath his arm, the Radiant Hero launched the blade like a spear, and it tore through the air in an arc headed straight for Villager. Name had no time.

"Vil! Watch out!" she cried. She sprinted forward and rolled towards her partner's shadow. With a sickening _pop-pop!_ the balloons exploded and Villager came hurtling towards the ground, wiggling hilariously. He fell into her outstretched arms bridal style, though his eyes remained frozen in horror. Ragnell's blade latched into the bark of the tree ahead of them and there was Ike, swinging on the rope like a crazeman and landing himself on a high up branch.

"Ike, you jerk!" said Name, and little puffs of smoke erupted from Villager's furious face. "You could have killed him!" But Ike was too busy scrambling up into the shadows and Diddy was no where to be seen.

It began quietly at first, a muted chanting of voices in the forest: "We like Ike! We like Ike!" they sang softly. Name's stomach dropped. It looked like THE GHOSTS were here. The only thing in Smash Bros., Ltd. that could get Name to shut up was THE GHOSTS. They came out of no where, gasping and sighing whenever there was a close shave on the edge and shouting their creepy incantations when someone was doing well. They used to be worse, she was told. THE GHOSTS gave Name anxiety. THE GHOSTS never cheered for Name.

"What do we do now?" she hissed at Villager, keeping her voice down.

He gave a shrug that said "what the fuck ever" and summoned an axe. Villager toddled over to Ike's tree and began hacking away, only managing to chip at the outer layer of its enormous base. Name sat and watched, not getting up from the grass. A crackling PA system came to life.

"May I have your falcon attention, ladies and gentlemen!" falcon came Captain Falcon's disembodied falcon voice. "The falcon match has come to a falcon end!"

"Already?" Name said aloud.

"The falcon winner is… BLUE TEAM! CON-FALCON-GRATULATIONS!" The captain made some grunts that indicated he was rotating through some victorious poses in front of the microphone.

"Wait… blue team?! That's us!" Name leapt up. "Villager! We cheated! We did it!"

"Disbelief!" emoted Villager incredulously. He discarded the axe somewhere behind him and did a little dance which involved a shaking of the foot.

The tree began to shudder and was consumed in a pillar of blue aether. "What the _HELL?!"_ said the tree, which sounded a lot like Ike. Name covered her head as branches, leaves, and caterpillars began to shower down. Diddy fell from a different tree and landed on his back with a sad _OOK._

THE GHOSTS stopped. After a little hesitation, they began: "The name of the game is NAME! The name of the game is NAME!" and cheered.

"But I didn't even _see_ the target, let alone hit it," Nick protested, though mostly she was nonplussed at this new development. The voices were cheering for her!

"Jigglypuff!" The pink resident came tumbling towards them from the entrance of the greenhouse, several more friends in tow. She was wearing her summer pork pie. "Puff puff jiggly jiggly," she said good-naturedly, then began mimicking the dance Vil was doing.

Peach came sauntering towards the blue team, her skirts swishing in the shadow of her parasol. "Name!" the princess cried. "I knew you could do it!"

It occurred to Name that none of these people had been allowed in the arena and had no means of seeing what happened. Name had a brief internal debate about living with dishonesty lasting about the span of one blink.

"We sure won the competition," said Name.

Pit 2.0 came skulking out of the woods and silently merged into the crowd. He put his Silver Bow away and folded his arms, mumbling congratulations and blushing like a piece of shit.


	24. Get Jiggy with It (Reader x Jigglypuff)

They had a good chunk of free time before their next and final battle in the Break The Targets tournament so Peach suggested the group go to Mama's across the way for a quick spot of victory tea. Nick agreed provided that Zelda would not be there and Pitiful decided that he could come along _he guessed_ even though he wasn't actually invited. The five picked the table closest to Mama's counter so they could chat with her (Peach's idea) and they sat down. Their table looked pretty hilarious, in all honesty. Jigglypuff, Peach, Villager, and Name looked like a court of pinkish inquisitors holding trial on their mismatched fallen angel prisoner.

Mama came over and started chatting with the group as best she could. Mama was from overseas and never quite picked up the language as well as the rest of them. People used to think Marth was the same way until the Brothers Hand forced him to admit he was just pretending to speak moonrune so he didn't have to talk to anyone. Speaking of asocial Fire Emblems, at just that moment Ike stomped through the door like a fuzzy blue bulldozer. It looked like he was going to sit down and order his usual steak pile (rumor had it that Mama was an Illicit Wario Dealer) but on seeing Name and company he stopped. Ike angrily locked eyes with Name and thundered over.

"That sure was a _fun competition_ back there, human female. _Good job_." She could practically see the steam hissing through his clenched teeth. A single shred of his red jersey was still desperately clinging to life on his shoulder.

"Thanks!" Name shrugged, "It was a pretty close match?"

"Ha ha ha yes," Ike grunted humorlessly, "Mind telling me EXACTLY how you won!?"

"Oh, y'know…" Name looked at Vil for help. His eyes stared off in a different direction even though he was facing her. "Teamwork?"

"HA HA TEAMWORK YES HOW GOOD." Ike swiveled his face into Villager's personal space. "Name sure was LUCKY and NOT SUSPICIOUS AT ALL HA HA. Isn't that right, scary bobblehead!?" Villager's face darkened and a mischievous twinkle appeared in his eye.

"Wasn't it great?" Peach beamed. Name wasn't sure if she was actually asking because she, like everyone else at the table, hadn't actually seen the game. "Why don't you sit down with us, Ike? You did really well too!" Man, Peepee cannot read subtext.

Ike, too proud to refuse an invitation from his enemies, dragged a squealing chair across the floor and sat smack down next to Dark Pit, who was not happy about the increased amount of MAN and BEEF JERKY SMELL at his lady table.

In a hilarious twist, Dark Pit was actually one of the few people at Smash United that Ike respected and one of the very few he called by name. Apparently he reminded Ike of a boyfriend he had back home, another angsty black-haired ladyboy twig who was apparently half-dragon or something. Name wrote a lot of fanfiction about what she imagined their life was like, partially because she knew how much Ike would absolutely hate it.

Peach tended to Ike's simmering bad sportsmanship until Mama came over with two plates of five steaks each for Ike, one for eating and one as foundation for a new throne. He and Mama spoke to each other a bit in Bad Acting language, a secondary tongue in Ike's homeland that Name was unfamiliar with. While Ike was distracted, Name leaned over to Villager.

"So wait," she whispered, "How exactly _did_ we win? I mean I'm fine with cheating, but I'd like to be up to date on our strategies." Villager gave a genuine shrug. A squeak from behind him answered instead. It was Jigglypuff, who removed a jar of blue nail polish and a half-painted red target from her hammerspace pocket. "Jiggs, you switched the targets!?" Jigglypuff's melon-sized eye began a slow and unstealthy wink. By the time she finished, every single person at the table was staring at her and the evidence in her stubs.

"What's that weird, smelly paint?" Pittoo recoiled, pretending the scent and color of women was foreign to him. Nice try, Pittoo.

"AHA!" Ike pointed an accusatory sword at her, "I knew there was something strange about that wet, leaking target I broke and the 'Defintly your target, pls break' sign pointing to it! Well, Cheaty McCheater, let's see how well you do in the tournament… after you're disqualified!" Ike rocketed away, determined to uphold justice in what basically amounted to a little league game.

"Aww, Jiggs! You assumed we'd fail! That's so sweet!" Most people would be mad, but Name knew that this just meant Jigglypuff knew her and Villager better than most people. Villager gave out a sigh. "Hey, maybe we'll get falcon lucky and the emcee won't care!"

"BUT I WAS THE ONE WHO- I-I mean… yeah, JIGGLYPUFF sure rigged that game… Whoa, cheating, huh?" Dark Pit sneered, a shitty grin crossing his face. "Maybe you aren't as much of a total dork as I thought!" He put a hand on Name's shoulder.

"Gross," she said, knocking it away, knowing that was probably the closest Bottomless Pit had ever gotten to first base. "The only one who deserves praise here is Jigglypuff." Name placed Jigglypuff on her head like a hat and began singing her praises.

"Jigglypuff! Jig jiggly!" she squiggled. Jiggs then decided to take a small rest, the force of which rocketed Name across the room and into Mama's kitchen with a loud clatter.

"Oh my!" Peach put a hand to her mouth, mostly oblivious of everything else going on. "I guess I'll call my hubby." Doctor Mario would not be pleased.


	25. Heart Attack (Reader x Dr Mario)

"I'm not-a pleased," said Doc, opening yet another chapter. An enormous pink flower sprouted from the roots of Nick's hair, drooping with its own weight. He tapped his pencil eraser on his lip and surveyed the Smash Bros. troublemaker who was kicking her feet impatiently against the examination table.

"Look, it's not even my fault this time!" she protested. "Jigglypuff just got a little excited!"

"Puff!" said the pink puffball, standing a foot and a half tall beside the table.

"Now can you please hurry? I'm in the target tournament with Villager and Ike could be getting us disqualified any minute now! Just rip it out of my head or something!"

"No," said Doc. "You a-want to come to mia clinic and get-a checkup we're a-gonna do this-a de right way. I'm-a taking your blood pressure." He grabbed the cuff from a hook off the wall and fastened it around her left arm.

"Jiggs, go after Vil and see if he's doing okay," Name whispered. "I'm worried about Ike." Jigglypuff gave a jiggly salute and held her breath to float out of the room.

On the opposite wall, Shulk was in the hospital bed fidgeting with a Rubik's cube. Scattered around on the floor were colorful tactical puzzles which had all been completed and discarded. Name recognized these as items from Shy Guy's Toy Box, an underwhelming amusement ensemble donated by Bowser to bring cheer to the children recovering in the clinic. Lucina, the nurse on duty on Thursdays, came out in powder blue scrubs a size too large, carrying a wooden slide puzzle which she deposited onto Shulk's lap and a notebook in the other hand.

Shulk grabbed his reading glasses from a side table and motioned for the notebook, looking over the most recently finished page while Lucina fidgeted.

"Well?" she said anxiously.

"I'm gonna be honest here," Shulk replied. "This is the worst thing I have ever read."

"B-But it came from the heart!" wailed the princess.

"You wanted my criticism, now I'm really dealing it," said Shulk. "The meter's all off here in the fourth line, and you gave up the rhyme scheme halfway through the second stanza." Lucina pulled her hair, looking over his shoulder as he pointed out each flaw.

"'Chiaroscuro' is my new word for the week and I couldn't find a synonym with less syllables," she squealed. "And the second stanza is symbolic of the way I'm falling apart on the inside."

 _Oh, poetry,_ Name thought, wincing a little from the vicarious shame that came with Lucina's presence. sPittoon detested any form of poetry that wasn't free verse.

"Don't-a fidget so much," said the Doctor, taking a look at the wall measure. "130 over-a 79. That's-a not so good. We're gonna have to get-a you de pill."

" _Or_ you could just deflower me already," said Nick without thinking.

"Name!" said Dr. Mario, whose face flushed. "I'm-a married to Peach! And I'll-a have you know we take-a the sexual harassment very seriously at-a the clinic." He strode away to the back room after waggling an admonishing finger.

"... And then back in the seventh grade I got a _giant_ zit the day before class picture day," Lucina was rambling while Shulk read the poem again. "So I _guess_ you could say it's an exploration of my role as a woman."

Shulk set down his glasses and grinned at her. "Don't worry about it. I'll fix this up in the lab."

"You're going to fix my _poetry_ in your lab?" said Lucina.

"With modern technology anything's possible," said Shulk, returning his attention to the cube.

After some rummaging the Doctor returned holding a giant blue and red pill in his hand and a pink pamphlet which he gave to Nick. _No Means No! (For Girls)_ read the front flap in curly writing. She thumbed through it and glimpsed several uterus diagrams, a happy woman eating salad, and instructions on inserting a tampon.

"What the hell is this?" asked Name.

"It's our new-a pamphlet on appropriate sexual peer-2-teen choice-a behaviors," Dr. Mario responded. "I'm-a writing you a prescription to make-a sure the flowers don't-a come back. You'll need to-a take it twice once a day for-a two weeks." He handed her a slip.

"That's not another suppository, is it?" Name gestured to the giant capsule.

"No, that-a one you-a take-a by mouth. Would you like me to-a put it in-a some applesauce?"

Name batted her eyelashes. "Will you feed it to me?" she said with a twinkle.

"Get out of-a mia clinic."


	26. Name of the Game (Reader x Reader)

There was no time to waste! The last round of the tournament was going to start any minute now. She dashed into the elevator and forward-smashed the button. Doc's clinic was pretty high up so it took a few minutes. Name folded the _No Means No! (For Girls)_ pamphlet into a paper airplane and tossed it haphazardly out the window into the building's courtyard to kill some time before the elevator doors dinged open. Inside was Elevator Operator Sandbag, staring at her politely with his plastic eyeballs under his bellhop hat.

"No time to explain, Sandbag, I've got to get to the ground floor!" He didn't press any of the buttons, only staring at her as if to say "You don't need to explain. This is an elevator. That's what elevators do."

"I don't need any of your sass, Sandbag," Name huffed. He responded by not responding in a way that seemed to say "Also you have plenty of time to explain on the ride down. It's a slow trip." His head shifted condescendingly to the side, or maybe his sand just shifted but Name was in no mood. "This is too slow!" she flailed, exiting the elevator as the door automatically closed behind her. Sandbag hadn't even pressed any buttons. What a layabout.

She opened one of the glass windows and leapt out, planning to use her recovery right before she hit the ground to cancel out all momentum. As she slid down the glass windows it struck her that mistiming this would land her right back in Doc's office again, and she was pretty close to the daily prescription cutoff point, a new restriction due to the Turnip Incident.

Moments later Name pierced the treetops like a bullet and nearly crashed into the ground below. She was saved by her recovery, a small raft of floating hearts that carried her up a ways. She floated towards the front of the greenhouse. It was nice to be able to fly but Name didn't use the power much. Gotta keep those gams in shape for the fellas. She exited the garden and reached the stage where the captain was falcon addressing the crowd.

"Well, falcon people, if our last falcontestants don't show up, I'm afraid we won't have much of a match here! What a DISAPPOINTMENT!" Villager, off to the side, spotted Name coming out of the brush and an exclamation mark exploded from his head. A cardboard box in the audience shuffled nervously. "Well well! Looks like Name's back! Let's give her a hand!" A series of muted claps farted out of the measly crowd. Name smiled. She was pretty popular!

"In case you forgot, you've been FALCON DISQUALIFIED!" The captain struck a pose.

"Falcon disqualified!? What for!?" She cried, innocently.

"For falcon rigging the game! We've been over this! You're a regular FAL-CON ARTIST, Ms. Name! We're waiting on our OTHER CONTESTANTS!"

"First of all," Name stuck a hand on her hip, "This is the first time _I've_ heard about my disqualification for cheating. Also I didn't cheat. On purpose, anyways."

"Really?" The captain tipped his head. Even his neck muscles stretched like they were lunging into a pose. Somewhere Rosalina was swooning. "But I just told you about it!"

"Uh, no you haven't? I've been up in Doc's clinic," Name retorted.

"There _is_ something strange about this!" mused Lucario, sitting on the edge of the stage like he belonged there for some reason. Lucario pointed his weird jackal fist over to the loser's circle. "It appears there are… _two Nick Names_ here!" A rush of gasps from the crowd. How could this be!? Nick turned her head to follow Lucario's finger. There, sitting next to Villager, Ike, and an assortment of others in the loser's circle- a small area quarantined off by red velvet rope strung between a few rickety posts and ROB, now enigmatically labeled "DUGOUT"- was another person who looked exactly like Nick!

...For about ten seconds. Upon closer inspection, Nick realized it was actually Dark Pit decked out in a creepily accurate Name disguise. Even her ambiguous hair color and length was the same! Name stomped over and looked down at Pittoo, who noticeably avoided eye contact.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?" She asked.

"I-I have no idea what you're talking about," Pittoo responded in creaky falsetto that Name hoped to god was not his impression of her. "You sure are pretty though! We should date! B-because I'm Nick Name and have weird standards!"

"Listen, Pittoo!" she snarled, "You'd better have a damned good explanation for why you're wearing my clothes!" She gripped him by his scrawny neck.

"P-Pittoo? Who's that? I-I've never heard of such a person… he sure sounds deep and poetic though. Maybe I should date him." Name quaked in place, not sure how to hurt Pittoo first.

"Wow, I'm seeing falcon double!" the Captain cried over the PA. She didn't know which was worse, the fact that Armpit was pulling this stunt or the fact that everyone else was convinced he was her. "Well, I suppose the falcon disqualification was placed on THIS Name," he puzzled, pointing to Pittoo, "So it seems there's no reason this new Name can't play!"

"Are you kidding me!?" Ike erupted, standing from his spot on the loser's bench.

"I am NOT! Unfortunately, her falcon PARTNER has ALSO been DISQUALIFIED, so Name will have to play this round alone! Let the games begin! ...When our final contestants arrive!"


	27. Change of Plans (Reader x Random)

"Who are the final contestants?" Name wondered aloud. Peach pointed to the distance, where an imposing silhouette rose and mounted the hill.

"There!" she cried. Who could it be? There weren't any discriminant features, but they certainly were human. Was it Ness? Name slipped some rouge she was carrying out of her pocket and buttered her face with it like war paint. _Bring it on, Ness. I'll kick your ass back to PK Pre-K!_

"Villager!" snapped Nick. "You got any stationary? I just thought of a really cool line."

He shook his head. However, as it drew closer the silhouette gave way to no human figure.

"Clickity-clack," said Mr. Game & Watch, honkey-tonking into view.

"Oh, thank goodness, It's just Gee-Dubs," sighed Name. But when the man shuffled aside it was revealed that _Ike_ was hiding behind him!

"Surprised, short child-female?" he grinned.

"Ike?!" gasped Name. "But you were just behind me-!" Name turned to the circle of losers and saw what had once appeared to be Ike was in fact a bumbling trench coat painted like his clothing with a paper plate mask and a mound of curly green ribbons on top. The trench coat unbuttoned itself and spread open.

"Surprised, short-eh, eh, short whatever?" said the tower of Star Fucks hiding inside.

"Our boy Slippy whipped dis up for us in da laaaaaaaaaab!" said Falco.

"Yeah, the laaaab!" Fox added uselessly.

The emcee's eyeballs practically falcon kicked out of their sockets. "I must be suffering from FALCON BRAIN DAMAGE! This is more clones than an 8-person battle with 8 equally handsome Captain Falcon amiibos! Which is to say there are more than seven clones! Which would be falcon wrong because there are only two… which would make this a F-FALCON HYPERBOLE!" he said with faltering confidence.

Ike growled. "My hair isn't green, nor is it curly. Why does my hair look like that? My hair doesn't look like that. But that is irrelevant." He gestured with his sword like a laser pointer aimed straight between Nick's eyes. "Female, I have come to challenge you to a rematch! For my HONOR! To arms, stygian round person!"

Game & Watch produced a frying pan and began tossing out sausages, which Ike caught on his tongue like snowflakes and swallowed all at once. He let out a roar and his biceps erupted like they were made of tiny shrieking Greninjas, ripping his shirt to pieces.

"F-Falcon impossible!" Falcon recoiled.

"We would do well to let him have his victory as he wants it," said Lucario, closing his eyes. "A man of that temperament should not be opposed over such trivial matters as this."

"Ok, contestants! Looks like this match has taken a falcon turn!" Captain Falcon punctuated the air with his fists and a well-placed thrust of the kneecap. "Your teams will be given TWO FALCON MINUTES for strategic planning before the FINAL ROUND falcon begins, falcon starting... NOW!"

Jigglypuff rode the gentle wind and landed in front of Nick, tugging her pant leg for attention.

"Not now, Jiggs. I'm thinking."

"Puff." She held a dictation machine, which Name accepted. "Puff!" which meant "press play."

"NATIVE SOUND TEXT-TO-SPEECH GENERATOR TRIAL VERSION. UPGRADE TO A PREMIUM PLAN TO REMOVE THIS WATERMARK! …. hi! bet you didn't know I cud type. now the shoes on teh other foot hehehe I don't wear shoes! XD colon close parenthesis colon-o. shoke taught me how colon close parenthesis ok Name! this is me wearing a serious face now greater than colon open parenthesis. no matter what your opponent is, remember to win the battle by use the power of love! dont worry i will be cheering for u on the sideline and u will see me and i will smile and u will use the power of your happy face to become the winner! colon close parenthesis." The tape cut out.

"Jiggly," said Jigglypuff, staring up unblinkingly.

"Wow, Jiggs… All this time… I was so focused in the competition that I forgot the most important thing."

"Puff," Jigglypuff nodded.

"That's right. The most important thing… Shulk! What if he's the one for me after all?! All this time… he was my best friend and I never appreciated him. Shulk… I… love you."

"NO YOU _DON'T!"_ screamed Name 2 with no subtlety. Jigglypuff's usual dopey smile swiveled in the other direction.

"You're going down, Ike!"


	28. Watch Me Go (Reader x G&W)

"W-wait a sec!" cried Pittoo, the loose wig on his head jostling like beached seaweed, "Didn't Ike like… _lose_ or whatever? Isn't he out of the competition? Not that I know how to sport or whatever because that's beneath me, but I'm _pretty_ sure he's a goner."

"It _is_ a little un-falcon-ventional…" the Captain mused. "Alright, how about this. We'll decide by the patent-pending FALCON APPLAUSE-O-METER!" He struck a pose like he had just been hit by a lone spotlight. Hearing this, ROB clattered to life and whirred away from his post as post of the losers' "dugout," toppling over the rope a few times and rising with a cluttering slowness. His tank treads carried him awkwardly over to Falcon's side. When he came to a stop he took the sign from around his neck and turned it upside down so it now read: "ʇnoƃnp", clapping his lifeless robotic mitts together once to authenticate his transformation into the acting applause-o-meter. Falcon ignored all of this and stuck out his arms.

"APPLAUD if you want to see Name and Ike DUEL TO THE DEATH (of a target)." The sparse audience exchanged glances. After a moment Olimar shrugged and put his tiny hands together, the resulting sound from which was enough to erupt the Falcon Applause-o-Meter all the way from Flat-con to Full-con. "Alright, looks like we're FALCON DOING THIS THING!" ROB beeped alone in the corner, dejected. Name and Ike approached the starting line.

"How does it feel, female? To stand face to face with your doom?" Name threw her head back and forth, trying and failing to crack her neck in an intimidating fashion.

"Puh-lease, Ike! By the time I'm done with you, you'll be eating humble pie!"

"Disgusting. Pie isn't even meat." Ike harumphed, crossing his arms.

"What about meat pie?"

"Don't try and confuse me with your mind games, female. Jersey!" he commanded. Duck Hunt Dog emerged from the trees and slapped a new red jersey onto Ike. He flexed and the fabric disintegrated. "Thank you, Reserve Meat. I will eat you last." The duck saluted him.

Before Nick could respond with a comeback she was sure would be very intimidating she was cut off by the screeching feedback of the PA system.

"Alright! The final match of our falcon tournament is about to begin! Due to EMBARRASSING POVERTY, there is now only ONE TARGET. FIND it. BREAK it. WIN! Falcon three… Falcon two… Falcon one!" He popped a single party favor into the mic. "GOOOOOO!"

Ike dashed off into the trees like a cheater with his side special while Name clomped behind in his dust. The crowd behind her cheered, still totally blind to the competition past the trees.

"Okay!" She said to herself between huffs, "This won't be that hard! I just need to find a target before Ike does! He's not that fast! I can totally beat him!" As Name cleared the treeline Ike whized past her in eight different directions like a gnat in heat. He momentarily stopped to cleave a tree in two.

"Out of my way, vertical log!" he bellowed before dashing off into the canopy.

"We falcon POLITELY ASK that contestants falcon refrain from DAMAGING THE FOREST. That is COMPANY PROPERTY," the captain crackled over the speaker. Name watched the tree hit the floor with a thunderous crash.

Who was she kidding!? Name couldn't beat Ike! The man was a bulldozer! What the heck was she thinking!? She'd need all the luck in the world to find that target first. Name was a slower smasher whose moveset was based around stunning opponents with her disarming pick-up lines and awkward, bumbling charm! There was no way in hell she even had a chance. Name sat down on a log with a grouchy pout smeared on her face. This sucked. She was totally going to lose, she had no partner, and now something was hitting her on the back of the head.

"Quit it, will you!?" she turned. Suddenly Name froze. It was the target bumping into her! What luck! She knew she could do it all along! Name grabbed at the target, but suddenly it dipped out of her reach. "What the heck? Let me win!" Just then the target turned and out of it stemmed Mr. Game & Watch, with the target in his grasp! "Buh!? What are you doing here!?"

"He's my partner, remember!?" Ike said, dropping like a crabapple from the canopy. "He hid himself by turning sideways! How does it feel to be tricked, female!?"

"Pretty lame." Gee-Dubs clicked in agreement and juggled the target from hand to hand.

"I hope you've learned your lesson," Ike snorted. "Also I don't remember what it is, so don't bother asking. Now then, round person. Hammer us home!" Gee-Dubs's hammer appeared from nowhere and glitched into the target with a resounding dink and a flashing number 2. "Nevermind, hand it to me. I'll give it a proper ending." It appeared in Ike's tight grasp. "It appears our game is over." Ike readied his sword. Name slumped in defeat.

Then something pointy sailed into Ike's eyeball. The _No Means No! (For Girls)_ pamphlet Name had made into an airplane earlier descended from the heavens and stunned Ike.

"Agh!" Paper! Reading! My one weakness! Get it off!" Ike flung about wildly while Gee-Dubs tried to help him by teleporting around like a giant ant. Name threw a kiss (her forward tilt) at the target and it shattered instantly. She threw another one in Ike's other eye just to piss him off.


	29. I Like You Aether Way (Reader x Ike)

"And that's how I beat that nasty Ike and forever secured my place in the hearts of adoring men everywhere," Name was saying to Pittoo as the group of friends walked back to their rooms. Name had leaves in her pocket she had won as a prize from the Captain which would supposedly turn into furniture when you threw them on the floor.

"I know, I was _there."_ Double Dutch Pit was crushing the Name wig in his hands. Villager toddled along behind them, carrying Jigglypuff in her pokeball, which was a great sign of trust between the two balloon-bodied roommates. Peach and Rosie were in tow, tagging along to see what the prizes might be and chittering like two birds on a cuckoo clock.

They arrived at the Nick Name stronghold, labeled with a tacky sign on the door that read "Parking for Emos ONLY!" and was obviously not a choice of decoration enforced by Pittoo, nor a show by Name of open-mindedness for her housemate's lifestyle, but an addition from Nick as a means of taking the piss out of her roommate and his brooding attitude.

"Ladies first," said this charcoal-headed teen wonder, opening the door and walking in before everyone else. Name and the others ushered in behind him, and Jigglypuff was released.

"Jigglypuff jiggly jiggly," said Jiggly, gathering her surroundings and shaking off the lint gathered from the inside of her shitty uncleaned company pokeball.

Name looked through the assortment of leaves, each tagged with labels written by Falcon with such a slant the letters looked like they meant to jump off the page and into his car. "Falcon TELEVISION!" said the first one.

"Alright! A TV! I've always wanted a TV." said Name, who tossed it down. There appeared a television set styled like Captain Falcon's head with a bubble glass screen inside his cartoonishly wide open mouth. Nick blinked back her disappointment and moved on.

"Falcon LOVESEAT!" read the next piece, which made Rosie a little flustered. This one was alright, a plush couch for two with Captain Falcon's grinning face and outfit colors. The "KITCHEN TABLE!" was okay too, round and mahogany with Falcon printed in the center giving a thumbs up, surrounded by a circumference of "Thank you for eating. Yes. I am Number One!" "Falcon LAMP!" was a life-sized hairy leg presumed to be Falcon's with a lampshade on top, though "Falcon CHAIR!," the worst of the set, was a lunging model Falcon with the protruding Knee of Justice intended as the seat.

Now Name had to distribute the bounty, or more accurately, pawn these off to her friends. The balloons were fairly well off in terms of basic furniture so they got the leg lamp, Name thought the girls might enjoy the loveseat, and she'd figure out the rest as she bumped into people.

"Oh, you are so kind. We can't accept this!" Peach said modestly. Rosie was already stowing the leaf in her cleavage. "Yes we can." She blinked. "I-I mean, if you insist, Name." Villager sort of sweated at the impending hairy lamp they would be charged with but Jigglypuff looked unphased, delightfully having no idea what was going on.

The gang slowly filed out, leaving Name and Pittoo alone to watch Falcon's mouthvision. Name threw herself next to Pit's Footnote on the race car bed and watched a show called _Wrecking Krew_ with some fascination. Mario and Luigi were knocking out some drywall with sledge hammers. Over the course of a half hour Pittooth Fairy tried several times unsuccessfully to put his arm around Nick, when suddenly there was a heavy knock on the door that sounded like the Wrecking Krew was about to barge in. Name got up with a groan. She opened the door.

"Hello female," said Ike awkwardly, his forehead obscured by the top of the doorframe. He was dressed in a Jimmy Thang t-shirt on loan from his roommate that said "Shake Yo Thang!" and carried the tatters of what was formerly his outfit. "I understand that females are adept in the art of sewing. I would like you to restore my garments, which I have ripped in the process of brandishing my muscles and eating meat. I was unsuccessful at persuading the pink bell-shaped woman and the pink bell-shaped woman's friend." He offered the torn clothes.

"Hey!" squeaked Dark Pit, as he sauntered up to them. "What do you think you're doing with my ROOMIE?" Ike could beat Pittoo so hard he'd even beat him at the fight before the fight where you're not fighting yet but you're thinking about fighting. He swallowed.

Name cut in. "Sorry, dude. I failed Home Ec like so bad," she laughed. "You're better off asking Lucina or something. She cosplays, she'll know what she's doing."

Pittoo snatched the outfit from his hands muttering obscenities. He reached under the race car bed to retrieve a sewing box with skulls on it Name had never seen before.

"What?!" he said in response to their surprised looks. "Lucina's not the ONLY one who does cosplay. And DON'T think I'm doing this so you'll leave Name alone, Ike. I'm ONLY doing it to show you up. Hmmph." He started hand stitching the enormous rips in the sleeves. Ike shrugged and invited himself in, sitting on the ground in front of the TV. Duck Hunt Dog, who had been obscured by his figure, trotted along behind and curled up on the rug in front of him.

Name cooed. "Aww, is he your dog?" she said, bending down to scratch him behind the ears.

"Don't you dare speak to him like that!" Ike snarled. "This fellow has sworn his allegiance to me. We are blood brothers now. I know not of _dog._ And quit touching me."

"Keeheeheeheehee," chuckled Duck Hunt dog, which Name thought was cute so she petted him instead. Ike seemed fascinated by the modern technology of the television, giving it his rapt attention. He made no comment about the fact it was shaped like Captain Falcon.

"You have captured the colored mustached men and made them miniature," he said, pointing at Mario and Luigi. "How have you done this?"

"It's called a television. They're not actually inside the glass. It's just streaming images. See?" Name crawled up to manually change the channel, arching her back so that Ike might appreciate her fine booty. Unfortunately this only earned prolonged and inappropriate stares from Dark Pit and Duck Hunt Dog, whose eyes grew like billiard balls. Ike was immune to pretty girls' booties. Duck Hunt gave a little "keeheehee."

"Chum Chum Channel!" There was an ugly pokemon-looking thing sitting at a desk, with hearts appearing all over the screen. "Which Nintendoland princes are the biggest dreamboats? We asked you to send in your votes and here are the results! Number 5 is Tricky Earthwalker, with 10 points…!"

"I do not understand," said Ike, a little disturbed. Name settled next to Ike in front of Pittoo's bed and casually threw her arm around his shoulders, an awkward position considering his height. Ike made a weak effort to shrug her off but gave up.

"Ike!" she said. "I still haven't given you a nickname yet! Let's see… how about Big Guy?"

"I will erase you from history," responded Ike. "...Don't encourage her, brother," which silenced Duck Hunt's immediate "keeheehee."

"...Prince Ephraim is looking _so_ dreamy in this outfit," the TV was saying. Dark Pit disagreed with it loudly (b-but only from a cosplay perspective!). Name puzzled before perking up again.

"How about Sword of A Jerk?" she said. "You know, like 'sort of!' Because you're a jerk!" She was interrupted by Duck Hunt Dog, who began to whine. Ike nodded.

"Yes, brother, we must start the hunt now if we are to have our dinner," Ike said, ignoring Name and talking to a dog. "Excuse me, female and Dark Pit, but my comrade and I must be off." He stood up and Duck Hunt Dog followed his signal. "I shall return for the garment later."

"Wait!" she called after him. "I never got to apologize for cheating in the tournament today." She stood up and gestured. "You can have that chair if you want. It was one of the prizes."

"Um," said Ike, taking in the almighty chair. He hoisted it onto his shoulder regardless and set for the door. "You have my thanks."

"Goodbye, Raising the Steaks," Nick said cheerfully.

"Just call me Ike," he groaned.


	30. Kidding Around (Reader x Koopalings)

Name headed downstairs quickly after Ike left. His mention of "the hunt" reminded her that it was almost dinner time and she was pretty damned hungry. She'd been imprisoned, injured, dressed up as, and exercised a good deal more than normal during the tournament and all she'd had to eat that day was half a plate of cilantro. Name left without saying anything to Worse Pit and he sputtered something about that being fine and him needing to work on a secret project anyways, so knock when you come back in!

Nick headed for the double doors of the cafeteria. Tonight was Two Macaronis night. The night where you only get two macaronis, one of which is cooked and one of which is not. Which is which? That's a gamble every smasher just has to take if they want to eat one of two macaronis. As Name reached for the handle the door exploded open and a blue streak zipped by her, spinning in a whirlwind circle before coming to a hault.

"Whoa, mondo sorry about that, Nick!" Sonic said in his 90s voice. "I didn't see you there!" Name spat a lock of hair from her mouth.

"Do you ever think you go _too_ fast?" she raised an eyebrow.

"First of all how dare you, speed is my religion. Second, are you going to Ness's b-day bash tomorrow? I hear it's gonna be pretty tubular! Also I'm making a list." Sonic adjusted his newsie cap with his bandaged arms. The press tag read "2COOL!" Sonic was Shulk's foremost and only newshound for the _Xenoblade Chronicle_. The Brothers Hand had added him to the company in a strange merger but quickly found his boundless energy and low output rate exhausting, so they called on good-guy Shulk to put him to use.

"Yeah, I guess I'm going to that thing," she said, attempting to scoot around the hedgeheg.

"Neat," he said, scribbling something on a pad so fast the pencil smoked. "What's your present? Shulk told me to make sure no one brings Ness duplicates. That'd be major bumsville!" So nice of Shulk. Just more proof he was the man of her dreams.

"Oh, I don't have a present yet. I didn't know we needed to bring one."

"Whoa! Hold the phone!" Sonic cried, looking sidelong at the pencil he was holding against his ear in phone position. "You can't get into that party without a gift! That's no good!"

"Are you serious? Groan. I guess I'll swing by the store or something then. Wouldn't want to miss my best buddy Ness's big 1-4," she sarcasmed.

"Great! Friends are cool!" Sonic flashed a thumbs up. Sarcasm and subtext whizzed by that guy like background scenery. "Later, skater! Preow!"

Name swung by the cafeteria and got her meal ( _both_ her macaronis were uncooked! What a ride!) before walking over to the cheapest, dive-iest store she could find in the Smash building. On her way she passed the new Smash Ballot box, which the Star Fucks were stuffing full of each others' names and giggling incessantly.

The shopkeeper's bell jingled as she swung through the glass door of a cluttered convenience store called _HOT STUFF!_ , though currently some of the neon was busted so she actually just walked into _HOT STU!_. Bowser briefly looked up from his night job position behind the counter and gave a little nod. Half of his brood were behind the counter with him, some snuggled in blankets and already asleep, others playing on their Koopa Clown Phones.

Name looked around the store. What did Ness like? She barely knew the kid. Well, he always carried a baseball bat and a yoyo with him. He was like what a middle-aged comic strip author in the fifties thought children looked like. Maybe if she was lucky she could find some jacks or a tire for him to whack down the street with a stick.

After a few minutes of aimless browsing Charizard, the store's owner, came over and offered a helpful growl. Name mentioned she was looking for something for Ness. Charizard presented her with a cheap-looking pen that had water in the handle and some sparkles that moved around when tilted. Name thought it looked terrible but Ness would probably say it was OK. As she moved to the counter to pay her hefty $0.83 the door swung open again and a masked figure stormed into the room wielding a Ray Gun.

"Nobody move!" a female voice commanded, "This is a robbery!" She leveled the toy gun at the clerks, looking weirdly appropriate in this two-bit store.

"Get behind me kids!" Bowser cried, shielding several of them with his super armor. He counted out loud to himself and cried in shock when he realized he was one child short. The last of his brood- perhaps Ludwig?- was across the store in the refrigerated section poking holes in the milk cartons for fun.

"D-don't move! Or I'll shoot!" The robber aimed her shaky gun at the child, who looked at her with the same way one might stare at a bug they'd never seen before. Name realized this was her time to shine. If she saved this kid, she could get out of paying for that pen!

"Don't worry, Wendy, I'll save you!" Name dived, grasping the pointy, smelly child in a bear hug and rolling along the floor with them. An ungrateful cry rose up from her arms.

"The name's _Roy_ , lady!" said Roy, correcting his sunglasses.

"O-okay! So I didn't shoot there!" shouted the ever more frightened robber. "But that just means I have more bullets to use later! So if anything I'm _more_ dangerous! I heard you guys stock a special love potion here! I need it for my prince! Hand it over!" Who WAS this girl?!


	31. Marked for Greatness (Reader x Lucina)

It just didn't add up, or rather it did, but it added up to the shape of Lucina's face, like 80085 on a calculator. Name supposed she could help out old Luce, mostly because she had been conversing with Shulk earlier and Nick needed the deets, but also since holding an armed robbery at _Hot Stu!_ meant she must have been feeling really crummy.

"That's enough. We all know who you are!" said Name, while Roy absentmindedly chewed on her arm, trying to wrestle himself free. She stood defiantly and set the kid on a shelf of sticky plastic-wrapped pastries. Charizard grabbed him by the ruff of the neck with his teeth.

"I said d-don't move!" shouted the burglar, who was holding the gun like a sword with her thumbs wrapped over the top. "How could you p-possibly know who I am!?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Name mustered her best Professor Layton point like she had seen a few times on the front pages of newspapers. " _Zelda!?"_ Nick jigglypuffed a wink that only Lucina would see so she'd be in on the little game. Lucina faltered.

"Guh… I… huh?"

"Hmmph." Name groped for the nearby hat rack and donned the first cap she could grab without looking, holding it to her forehead and twirling around, hoping she looked like Hazama. "I had you figured out from the start! Where'd you get that mask? MAJORA?!" Name didn't know a thing about Legend of Zelda and she hoped no one else did either.

"Well, I-"

"Attacking at night was your second biggest mistake. Who else would need a love potion for her prince at _night_ but a TWILIGHT PRINCESS!?" She motioned to the manager. "Bring me the goods, boys. I'll pay for this 'love potion' myself, just to see there's no trouble. But Smell-da won't be getting it until she does her time in _Palutena's dungeon!"_

"Nooooooo!" cried Smell-da, as Charizard placed a bottle on the counter and awkwardly began the process of ringing up Name's items.

"Don't try to run away while my back is turned, thief!" Nick warned.

"I won't!" Smell-da said with worry.

"Grrrr?" asked Charizard, which meant "Are you buying the hat as well?"

"No, no, there's no need to thank me, Charles. It was all in the line of duty." Name winked and grabbed her bag of items, strolling away. She gently turned Smell-da around and pushed her out the door. The two dragons on shift shrugged at each other.

The girls rounded the corner of the fluorescent lit hallway before Lucina spoke up again.

"Name, it's me! Lucina!" she said, whipping off her mask. "Your friend! Please don't take me to jail! Marth will think I'm a troublemaker if he finds out! I didn't know what to do!"

"Yeah, yeah," said Name, rifling through the plastic bag and handing Lucina the love potion. It was a _Panel de Pon_ themed bubble bottle, which she unscrewed and studied, fascinated. Lucina dipped the heart-shaped wand on the underside of the cap and blew a bubble.

"O-Oh!" she said quietly. "Oh, I shouldn't waste it." The bubble made it a foot and exploded.

"Lucina, listen. I'm not going to take you to jail. But… there's something I need to tell you." Name looked serious. She took a deep breath. "Stuffing your hair into your shirt collar doesn't make it look like it's cut short. It just looks stupid."

"Oh, Name!" She suddenly hugged Name around the shoulders and burst into tears. "I can't do anything right! You're my only friend!" Nick was glad she had been interrupted before she had managed a comment to the contrary. For once in her life she was trying to shake someone else off from an unwanted embrace, which made her a little depressed. "I'll never make it as a poet, the person I love hates me, and my father won't answer any of my emails!"

"Why not?!" asked Name.

"H-He says it's not worth going to a public library for their computers j-just to read another i-inappropriately timed Valentine's Day e-card!" she sobbed.

"Well all that's about to change." Nick looked at her with a determined expression before taking her own hat off and putting it on Lucina's head. Turns out she had grabbed a ballcap reading "FOXY GRANDPA" and seeing a sniveling Lucina wearing it made Name want to laugh, cry, or both. "You and I are going on a mission together."

"A m-mission?" Lucina wiped her eyes.

"Yeah! I'm going to get somebody to fall in love with you before the week is out, and you're going to get me hooked up with Shulk!" said Name, ever the philanthropist.

"But… there's only one person I want to fall in love with me," Lucina replied. A fire lit in her eyes. "Name, can you keep a secret?"

"Sure, why do you ask?" Just then the princess grabbed her arm and tugged her into the elevator, jamming the button for the third floor. Name imitated her press-lipped silence.

After a minute of listening to a tinny version of the Brawl theme on Spanish guitar, the doors opened and Lucina poked her head out. She took Name's hand and trotted along the carpeted hallway until they arrived at a door with a whiteboard fastened to it. Lucina had written "Leave a Message!" in blue marker and drawn some flowers. The princess studied it briefly for new entries and sighed, swiping away the "you suck!" written at the bottom by someone who clearly had a hard time reaching the board.

"I'm saving space for that special someone," she explained.

"You missed one!" Name said helpfully, and traced her finger over a smeary black smiley face with the word "hI!" penned just above it.

"That's um… that was Jigglypuff. She used a permanent marker," said Lucina.

"It could be worse," replied Name. She snatched the attached dry erase marker and wrote "UR GAY!" in giant letters. "See?" Lucina thanked her for her optimism.

Name tried to ignore her own mounting fear as they entered the room. What sort of creepy paraphernalia might Lucina be keeping in here? There was a single desk lamp turned on, keeping the room fairly dark. Lucina was watching what must have been her roommate's bed, muttering, "He's still gone…" It was a navy blue patterned with bright yellow stars, and a discarded cotton nightcap was crumpled up and left by the pillow. Name felt a twinge of guilt.

"Ok!" She turned around. "I think you'll want to sit down for this. I've never told this to anyone." Name plopped down on Lucina's bed, though a little sheepishly considering what unknown crusts it might be covered in.

"I…" Lucina hesitated, a dash of pink spreading over her face. "I'm in love with… with…" She swallowed. "I'M IN LOVE WITH PRINCE MARTH!" screamed the Princess, who then covered her mouth in surprise. "THERE, I SAID IT!"

Name buried her face in her palms. "Lucina, everybody knows you're in love with Marth. It's really weird and totally obvious."

"They do?!" she said mortified.

"Yes." Name nodded. "And now I think it's time we do something about it! With my rapier wit and your… hat, no man will be able to resist you." At the very least, having Lucina around would make Nick seem more attractive, she mused. "We're going to pay Marth a visit!"


	32. One Aura-nother (Reader x Lucario)

"Silly me, thinking that no one would interrupt my nighttime routine in _my_ room," Marth said sourly. He lounged in his canopy bed, partially obscured by a pair of large blue drapes made of heavy velvet. Marth himself was draped in a regal bathrobe made of silk that cost more than Name's house, above which he daringly swirled a glass of fine white wine. Name had to consent that Lucina at least had good taste in man. Unfortunately she was also related to him.

"We're not interrupting," Name countered, "You weren't even alone. Lucario was already in here." She gave a nod to Marth's roommate, who was sitting underneath a waterfall that poured a steady stream of calm, crystal blue water into Marth's expansive indoor topiary garden. For Lucario the waterfall doubled as both a training exercise and his bed. Name looked around with an envious gaze. The garden alone was five times the size of her entire room. She knew that Marth was royalty and all, but the string quartet playing in the gazebo seemed like overkill. "Besides, this is important. Lucina has something to tell you!"

"That's new," he said dryly, placing a cucumber over each eye. "Make it quick, I have many hours of beauty sleep I need to catch before my appearance at Ness's soiree tomorrow."

"Well, go ahead Luce!" Name turned around to see Lucina cowering outside the door. "...What are you doing back there?"

"I-I'm not allowed inside. Not after last time." Marth spoke up from under his face mask.

"I caught her with a pair of children's safety scissors _defiling_ my topiary garden."

"She upset the balance… of nature…" Lucario vaguely mused from beneath his waterfall.

"I was trying to surprise him!" She wobbled pathetically. "I was cutting all the figures into Marthshapes! That's what I would've wanted!" It was true. Lucina had a plant in her room with blue hair and googly eyes clumsily hot-glued to it named " _Him_ ," though due to lack of foresight she was unable to touch " _Him_ " because she had picked a cactus. When visitors asked about the choice she would just respond with "It's more realistic this way," in a sad voice.

"I _was_ surprised."

"YOU WERE!? THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE."

"Alright honey," Name patronized, "Let's maybe set that bar a _little_ higher. Listen Prince Pantsless (a nickname that made Lucina flustered), Lulu needs to be in here to tell you this because otherwise it won't have the same _impact_ , y'know? It just won't be the same without the kiss at the end!"

"W-What!?" Lucina fumbled.

"Guards," Marth ordered, his face mask unmoving. Three men instantly materialized from behind topiary bushes exactly their size. It looked like Marth had bought out the Elite Beat Agents and hired them to use the second word in their title, if necessary.

"Hello Morris..." Lucina said to the closest guard in a tone that implied they'd met several times before under very similar circumstances.

"Whoa! Hold on there!" Name sidled in between the men, no stranger to being kicked out of men's bedrooms herself, "She didn't want to kiss _you_ … She wanted to tell you that… that she's in love with Lucario!"

"She _is_?" Marth raised an eyebrow and lost a cucumber.

"I am!?" Lucina questioned. Lucario's eyes shot open like a rocket.

"The balance is once again _very_ upset." He croaked, unable to retain his aloof persona.

"Yeah man," Name lied through her teeth, "Why do you think she's trying to get close to you all the time? It's so she can get those sweet deets on your roommeet! She's been after him for ages!

"Name!" Lucina whispered loudly, "You're wrong! I'm in love with Marth! I can't believe you forgot so quickly!" Name leaned back.

"I didn't forget, you moron, I'm trying to make Marth jealous! Once he thinks you're after Lucario, he'll realize how lucky he was to have you interested and he'll come crawling back to you! It works all the time in sitcoms and Lifetime Original Movies! I mean usually there's a part where it all comes crashing down and everyone learns a lesson but we can skip that part."

"O-okay! If it's for Marth, I'll do it! ...What do I do?"

"Go over there and kiss him! Prove your passion! We're playing the long game now, sister!"

"K-k-kiss him!? But Name, I've never kissed a boy before! I-I've never even _touched_ a boy!" Good lord. If Name could matchmake this trainwreck she deserved some kind of award.

"Alright," Name sighed, "I'll show you how it's done then." Just as they finished their whisper session (which The Agents had completely overheard) Lucario dashed over with extremespeed. It took him two tries because his damage was low.

"Lucina," he began as a windchime solemnly jingled somewhere in the distance, "I am flattered by your heartfelt confession. However… I fear a relationship between the two of us, even with the most earnest of hearts, would bear no fruit. I am but a simple Pokemon. You are but a very, very simple woman. Humans and pokemon can never love one another in that sense. The world... does not turn that way. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I must decline-" Name walked over and grabbed Lucario's pointy jackal face and planted a big wet kiss right on his lips.

"See?" She turned over her shoulder, "It's not that hard." Lucina seemed unconvinced.

Lucario blinked. "Alright, now I'm confused. Is Lucina the one interested in me, or is it Name?"

"Lucina," Name said flatly.

"Ah. I see. Yes, that would never work. We're too different. The world does not turn that way, yes." He leaned in, "However if Name _is_ interested, the world might be willing to turn that way a little." Looked like Lucario had a passing interest in her. Name noted that for when she hit rock bottom. She also noted that this plan wasn't working. Name trotted over to Marth.

"Does Marth love me yet!?" Lucina shouted.

"Ha ha ha shut up!" Name retorted. It was time to change strategies. "So, Prince Peasley," She said, leaning with an unwanted hand on Marth's bed, "I see you have a big topiary garden here. Pretty impressive."

"Yes. I enjoy waking up to see the sun rising on these figures. After I awake in the sunlight at five in the morning my entourage puts on a morning performance so that I may heckle them. These are things I enjoy. I also enjoy silence, tranquility, privacy, and _sleeping._ "

"Well," Name ignored, "I see _that_ one is a lady bush. A _pretty_ lady bush. I take it you like... pretty ladies? Because I know a pretty lady who's into you, and it's not currently me."

"Well I like _that_ lady," Marth said, something resembling a smile briefly crossing his lips, "It's modeled after my wife, Sheeda." Good lord, Lucina! Name would say she was playing with a lot of fire, but judging by her homemade "Marthmeal Delights!" cooking she didn't even know how to light one. Mmm, raw chicken nuggets.

Change the subject, change the subject! "A wife, huh! Ha! Ha ha! Ha! Pretty lady bush. So, we've established that you like pretty ladies. ...You like… bush?"

"No, I make her shave."

Fuck.


	33. EPISODE 33: FAMILY REUNION! TRUE LOVE!

Sporting a pair of blue striped parachute pants and enough chest hair to clog a subway, Captain Falcon leaned into the doorway, investigating the scene.

"I see the boys have falcon company! I hate to be a party pooper, but I'm going to have to ask you to FALCON... KEEP IT DOWN!" He flashed his winning smile, but wavered upon noticing the security guards. The Captain scratched his ear by where the ridiculous plush bedtime helmet was touching it. "Chieftain, I uh… I didn't know you were falcon working here."

"Evening, Douglas," said Chieftain agreeably.

Falcon looked at Name. "We're old college rivals."

"Port Town Police Education and Training Division," the agent nodded.

Falcon cleared his throat. "Well! I'll leave you boys to it. Try to keep the noise level to a FALCON MINIMUM! Nice hat!" The Captain gave Lucina a friendly slap on the back as he made to walk away, which caused her to stumble forward and snivel loudly.

"Oh my." He examined her. "The lady is falcon crying! I guess it goes to show I don't know my own falcon strength!" He frowned. "...Err. Name! Why don't you cheer up your falcon friend!"

"I'll never get the man of my dreams to like me!" wailed Lucina. Marth was thumbing through an issue of _Architectural Digest_ looking disinterested.

"Can we take this somewhere else?" he asked, waving them away.

"Not even Name can change his feelings for me, and she's an expert on romance!"

"Uh…" Falcon clearly had no idea what to say. "Maybe pursue a life of falcon celibacy!"

"You don't understand! I _worship him!"_ Lucina stomped her feet and pointed at Marth like he was a giant, sexy bastard piece of candy she wasn't allowed to get from the Marth analogy store. "Someone, please, anyone… Naga… Ashunera… Cooking Mama… someone…

"HEEEEEEEELLLLP!"

The Elite Beat Agents glanced at each other, then at their boss, who was now trying to insert diamond-studded ear plugs. Chieftain's watch fizzled to life, Kahn's dire face commanding the screen. The man cleared his throat. "Agents are... _GO!"_ he cried, and the three got into position to the opening bars of "It Happens Everytime" by Dream Street.

"Are you ready?!" cried the Agents together. "3, 2, 1, GO!" The beat picked up.

"Why does this only happen to me?" Marth growled under his breath.

Lucina and Falcon blinked at the scene before them. Name and Lucario, both caught up in the groove, were doing some kind of hoedown move and spinning each other around. Lucario was startled, as though his body were controlled by a magical pair of dancing shoes. Chieftain grabbed Lucina by the hand and they tangoed across the floor to the 90's-tastic chorus, a giant red circle appearing in front of them, while Morris forcibly lifted Marth out of bed and onto the dancefloor.

Name rotated to Captain Falcon, who shrugged and cried "Show me your MOVES!" before jumping into the fray. He grinded on her like a creepy dad at that eighth grade dance you found out got arrested six years later, and Lucario and Derek were paired off, doing some crappy criss-cross move while firing finger pistols at each other.

She looked over to see the princess and her sweetheart smashed together by the two Agents, who fawned over the pairing while also standing just too close for Marth to escape and grab his sword. He avoided Lucina's eyes and scowled, though for what it was worth the man had considerable finesse. Waltzing with people you hate must have been something they taught in fancy Fire Emblem schools for royalty. Another circle appeared, which Nick figured meant things were going okay. She wasn't really sure what alternate reality they were in; by the ancillary dancers, Jigglypuff had somehow appeared and was now shaking her puff.

Lucina was drooling, her eyes so full of sparkles beneath the visor of her Foxy Grandpa cap that Thoron sparks might have been coming out of them. The fancy Fire Emblem schools for royalty had all been destroyed in her future, and so she went to a regular one that only taught the bunny hop and _la cucaracha._ The Agents' powers were just barely enough to correct her awkward fumbling movements into something resembling a dance, though she still had her hands wrapped incorrectly around Marth's waist.

"Hmmph! I always thought the _Ouendan_ were superior dancers anyway," he said, trying to get under Chieftain's skin, but it was too late. His words appeared as a cartoony speech bubble. His face blanched. In any case Chieftain and his team were preoccupied cheering on Jigglypuff, spinning around on the floor like it was Crazy Wednesday. The bonus points went up and up on a counter above her head, earning her the final circle of approval.

"OH YEAH!" said the Agents, striking a last victory pose and breathing heavily with excitement. Somewhere, Commander Kahn was giving a magnificent thumbs up, signifying the mission was complete. Marth shoved Lucina away and brushed himself off. The princess windmilled her arms but lost her balance and fell to the ground, still starstruck.

"Was it good for you too, honey?" she mumbled. Marth stepped over on her and stormed out.


	34. One Foxy Mama (Reader x Fox)

"Wow Name, thank you so much!" Lucina said, sparkles still twinkling above the Mark of Naga in her eye. She was as cheery as ever despite being carried out like a log by the Smash Security Wire Frames that Marth had called in after storming out. "I've never been so close to him! We held hands for fifteen whole seconds! And once, our hips touched! I can't wait to get back to my diary! I'm so inspired! My poems are _sure_ to be genuine enough for publication in the _Xenoblade Chronicle_ now!"

"About that," Name said, also being carried away by a male wire frame (who had been silently ignoring her flirting up until that point), "I helped you out, now it's time for me and Shulk."

"Great idea!" she wriggled with excitement, "If we visit Shulk now, he can help me workshop some of my creative juices. This is so much fun, Name! We should hang out more! You're like my best friend!" Name stared at the beaming girl with her dopey face and foxy grandpa cap and croaked out a noncommittal "hah". She would have to work fast. At this rate her Support Rank with Lucina was probably at a B. Who knows what would happen if they hit A together. She planned to grab Shulk and get out of there ASAP.

The wire frames tossed the girls on the floor like trash bags and the female one skittered a yellow citation down on a miniature clipboard, handing it to Name. "TRESPASSING AND DISTURBING THE PEACE!" it read. Lucina fretted over her note but Name was unmoved. Disturbing the peace? Boring. She already _had_ that card. Several of them in fact, hung up on her wall in a mosaic with various shipping charts and nickname ideas drawn on them. She was holding out for the arson card to round out her collection. Her scuffle with Luigi yesterday had earned her that rare "MURDER" citation.

Lucina frittered away about nothing while Name nodded occasionally and "mm-hm"ed her way to Shulk's office. As they neared the door Name's eyes scanned the placard hanging next to it. " _Xenoblade Chronicle! - Telling the Past, Changing the Future!_ " As she went for the doorknob Sonic burst out of the door and barreled over Lucina.

"Whoa! Hey, chiquita! We have to stop meeting like this! I'd love to stay and chat, but Shulk gave me a mondo important assignment! I have to count all the windows in the building for a bangin' article next issue! Lates, po-tates!" He zipped off, seemingly unaware of Lucina beneath him, who was now covered in a tire track.

"It took three weeks to sew this costume," she mumbled. Name walked into the flapping door and found Shulk doubled over a printer refilling ink cartridges.

"I'm really teal-ing it!" he said, topping off the cyan and green. He looked up. "Oh. I thought I foresaw you coming in. I was hoping I was wrong! Did you want something?"

"Yes Shulk, my love," Name stuck out her chest, "I have come here to confess my feelings for you. It's meant to be! I realized I was in love with you some time in between kissing Little Mac and kissing Lucario. Now how about you and I find somewhere comfortable and do something worthy of a cover story on one of those tabloids you find in grocery store check-out lines?"

"We only print _professional_ news here." Name recalled the Little Mac article from earlier and raised an eyebrow. "Besides, I already told you, I'm not really interested. Sorry." Lucina wandered in, dusting off her pants. "Oh. I'm not quite done going over your poems yet."

"Sorry Shulk, but I think we'll have to throw those out!" Shulk did not protest. "I just danced with my prince for a whole _half a minute_ and my mind is racing with new free verse. And it's all thanks to Name! She wanted me to tell her stuff about you so I could hook you two up!" This girl had all the tact and finesse of a horse with a wooden board nailed to its foot. "Name! I just remembered! Shulk said he was looking for new undercover reporters! You should apply!"

"What, Sonic's not low-key enough for you?" Name snorted.

"I'm trying to find out about…" Shulk glanced around suspiciously. "The King of the Smash Underworld. ..Y'know… _Wario_. If I could get someone to investigate his illicit dealings and get me the inside scoop, it'd be the story of the year! I'd be able to catapult the _Xenoblade Chronicle_ into the next century! I'd call it _Xenoblade Chronicle X!_ Tell you what, if you agree to get me some info on Wario, I'll go on a date with you. We'll see where it goes from there."

"Sounds like a plan!" Name said," I'm in."

"Me too!" Lucina chimed, "I can't let my best friend go into a dangerous place alone!" Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no. "By the way, who's Wario?"

"Sounds good," Shulk said, shuffling through a box of disguises, "With Name's femme fatale charms and Lucina's… hat, you two should be able to get in there just fine. Now, I don't exactly know where the entrance to Wario's black market _is_ but I know someone who does…"

About twenty minutes later Name found herself knocking on a shoddy wooden door decked out with Christmas Lights and a whiteboard reading "THE LAB!" scrawled in erratic marker. Name was disguised as a private detective in a trenchcoat and Lucina was disguised as Lucina in a foxy grandpa hat. The door creaked open and a familiar, vulpine face peeked out.

"Hey hey heeeeeey!" Fox cried, "Aw yeah! What're da ladies doin' at our humble a-bod-ee!?" Name mentioned that they were looking for Wario. "Yeah, yeah, maybe eyes knows somethin', maybe eyes don'ts! I might be willing to remember if you… slept with me?"

"One kiss, you don't tell anyone," Name offered. "One kiss, I tell _everyone_." "Deal."


	35. A Prize Catch (Reader x Duck Hunt Dog)

The inside of the Smasheteria kitchen had a surprising amount of old, putrid food considering the lack of meal options on the actual daily menu. Name swiped her pointer finger over a leftover onion with a bite taken out of it and brought it beneath her bushy disguise mustache.

"Hmm…" She smacked her lips together and her eyes suddenly narrowed. "Wario."

"Dis is da only elevator dat goes to da basement," said Fox, who had swaggered to the back of the room and was now inspecting the W-branded elevator doors only partially concealed by some purposefully placed bags of potatoes. "You go in, it'll takes yous straight down. Da place you want afta that is gonna be on da left, ladies."

"Wait, you aren't coming with us?" Name asked, at which the pilot wheezed with giggles.

"Who, me? You wants- you wants me ta comes with you? No, I knows what's good for me. Now how's about a goodbye kiss for me being nice. Might bring ya some luck, even! Smoochie, smoochie." Fox smacked his leather black lips and licked his rubbery teeth, yellowed down from one too many bowls of Pokecereal and Falcon Fruit Punch.

"Dream on, _loser,_ " scoffed Lucina for the first and only time in her life. She stepped into the opening doors and looked around as Name crossed over to them and followed suit.

"Buh-bye, laydies," said Fox McCloud. The doors closed. It was one of those Variety Tower styled lifts with a boar's head on the inside doors and a generic looking potted shrub next to them. There were no buttons, just a lit marquee where the controls should be that progressed like a stoplight. Everything was out of proportion and squiggly, and the girls began their second passive adventure which began and ended with sitting in an elevator.

"DOWN," announced Lucina, causing Name to quirk an eyebrow. "Down to the place far, far below. O, how downly the direction we go. Wario's realm is our destiny, ho! Nananananananana Batman." Lucina blinked. Hearing no response from Name, she supplied her own congratulatory snaps and whispered "Good job, Lucina. Yaaaay."

"Please never do that again," said Name. The lift came to a rumbling, uncomfortable stop. Then silence. Nick banged on the door.

"Is it stuck?" Just as Lucina went to try, they snapped open to reveal a large, pointy pink nose attached to a gremlin.

"WAAAAAAAAA!"

"WAAAAAAAAA!" shrieked Lucina in horror at Waluigi.

"WAAAAAAAAA!" shrieked Waluigi in horror at Lucina. "EXCUSE-A-ME!" The two parties awkwardly sidled past each other, and Waluigi took their place in the lift looking at them bug-eyed and waiting for the doors to close. "WAAAAA," he said with less enthusiasm.

The elevator shut and rumbled away with its passenger, leaving the girls in the dank hallway. Its sole source of light was the fading Wario World sign that hung above a door down the way obscured with a tattered red curtain. Name looked at Lucina and shrugged.

Nick got to the curtain grabbed it, shocked by its surprisingly greasy texture. It opened up to a small atrium, wherein Funky Kong sat on a barrel in his sunglasses, sort of chewing on a toothpick. He looked up at the girls expectantly.

"Password?" Name's mouth fell open. Password? Fox hadn't said anything about a password. What were they going to do?!

"Waaaaaaaa," Lucina tried.

"Come on in." The Kong pointed at the entrance by tilting his head. Inside the place was awash with colored flashing lights and every reject Smasher you could find in a coupon book. Young Link was swigging down a pint of milk on a stool sandwiched between two creepy full-sized elf dudes, one with a white notice-me haircut covering his left eye, the other sporting a lavender mom-how-do-I-shave do over his right eye, the latter of which, in this author's unbiased opinion, was infinitely more attractive; the Rhythm Heaven Glee Club stood on a rinky tink stage, decent for the most part but the one on the end would blurt out a sour note periodically all throughout the evening as though he had been hit with a fly swatter; a giggling genie girl somehow found a rhythm in it and hula-hooped on the impromptu dance floor.

"Evening _boys,"_ said Name, taking a seat at the booth across from a pile of unidentified toxic meats that were being worked at with a steak knife. "Care to help a fellow man and tell me where I can get some Wario wares?"

Ike and Duck Hunt dog leaned out on either side of the pile and stared at her.

"Sowwy, towll mustowchioed hondsome bwothow," Ike spewed a mouthful of chicken bits at her, "I don't shewre moy meat wiff stwangers."

"Kuuhuuuhuuuhuuuh," porked Duck Hunt dog, then swallowing his food. He leapt over the table in a high arc and onto Name's lap, tearing off the faux mustache and licking her face with delight. Nick tried wiping it away.

"Augh, gross, meat saliva. Ike, can't you train your d- brother... better?" she squicked.

"Oh. It's you. My statement still holds." Still, Ike couldn't mask his disappointment.


	36. It Takes Two (Reader x Mewtwo)

"Listen Rad-ient Hero," Name whispered to Ike, "We're on a secret mission from Shulk. We need to get some information on some _illicit Wario Dealings_."

"Who _is_ Wario?" Lucina whispered. Ike ignored her entirely, his eyes locked on Name. He didn't like Marth to begin with and to him Lucina was just Marth without a penis, his one remaining quality that interested the warrior. The barkeep, a barista bird who looked as cool as a cucumber and the same color as one passed Ike a mug of something. Name suspected it was some form of booze, but upon closer inspection it was actually just more meat.

"My apologies, sir," the rooster said in a deep, soothing voice, "I'm afraid you've used all of our dishes." He gestured towards a mountain of dirty dishes covered with meat scraps.

"Dash fine," Ike chewed. He eyeballed the meat in the mug and then bit through the top of it, leaving two bite marks on either side of the cup's rim. "Sho, yer wooking fer Wawio? He's inder back. Big, puffy purple dorr." He swallowed. "Look for the porcelain alien guarding the door."

"Thanks, High Steaks!" Name gave him a pat on the shoulder. He didn't seem to feel it through his bulk. Name hopped up from the booth. She looked back before walking away. "I didn't know you hung around here."

"Everyone comes down here. Besides, the service entrance is close to the hunting grounds. My brother and I come here to sell our meats and furs after the hunt is complete." Name perked up.

"'Service Entrance?' But Fox- _Our informant_ told us that this was the only elevator to the basement! I had to bribe him! With my _feminine charms!_ "

"Looks like he-a played you like a second fiddle," said a depressed-looking Luigi sitting a table away. "Also he posted it on the Lychat System, so everybody-a knows about it." The Lychat System was a social media network that Wolf had programmed back when he was in Club Starfux. Ever since he divorced himself from the group he got to own the system on weekdays while Slippy got it on weekends, upon which the entire loadout was instantly garbled.

"Aw man!" she huffed, "Now everyone knows I kissed _Fox_. My reputation can't get much lower unless I make out with Pittoo or some ungodly thing." She turned towards Luigi. "Oh, sorry about… y'know, blowing you up the other day."

"It's-a fine," he sighed into his drink, droopy-eyed. "The prophecy is already underway. We're all as good as-a dead anyways." Name reacted the usual way people did when Luigi said things and walked away, creeping off through a milling crowd of satellite Smash characters, at one point bumping into a JRPG-looking kid she'd never seen before.

"Sorry about that… uh…"

"The name's ROY, lady," he grimaced, trotting away. Name blinked off the deja vu and made her way over to a posh looking area near the DJ stand, Lucina trotting behind like a confused child. They came upon a giant door labeled "W" with a big mustachio'd skin-infection colored nose keeping watch above it. In front of the door stood Mewtwo wearing a bow tie she hoped was pinned to his chest with psychic powers and not with a needle. He must be Ike's alien.

"Hey there, Two of a Kind. Didn't take you as the bouncer type. Congrats on being rehired, by the way." Mewtwo gave her a stoic nod. His voice rang out in her head.

"Thank you… uh…" he stared at her and his eyes glowed for a split second, "Nick Name."

"Did you just use your powers to read my mind because you forgot who I am?"

"N-no," he stumbled, "I assume you are here to see Wr. W. I am his personal doorman." For a second Name questioned the "Wister," but Mewtwo projected a Wario 'stache W and it worked.

"Do we need a password or something?" Name asked.

"WAAAAAAH!" cried Lucina confidently.

"...No. I'm simply going to use my psychic powers to peruse your minds. I must make sure you're not here to harm the Waster. Just a quick check to make sure you won't narc on our little operation to the Hands upstairs."

"Ah. Your _operation_ ," Lucina removed a _PRETTY PRINCE_ notepad from her pocket and readied a pencil, "What exactly would you say that _is?"_ Lucina went to wink at Name but instead just winked at Mewtwo by accident. He looked at her with his condescending eyes and tiny mouth.

"Wister Wario helps those of us who are down on our luck. Brawlers who didn't return in Brawl. He gives people a second chance… people like me. I'm very happy to be working at Smash Bros. again. Of course, I now owe Wr. Wario some favors, but I'm happy to oblige." He turned his gaze back to Name, correctly deciding she was the leader of the duo. "I'm going to probe your minds now to see why you're here. If its for business, you can go on in."

Uh oh. Name wanted to think about running, but if she thought about it, Mewtwo would know! It was too late. Her had locked eyes with her in a glowing stare that said "Tell me your purpose." Name imagined Shulk. This was it, the jig was up! ...Though, Shulk DID look pretty cute. Name thought he'd look cuter in a swimsuit and off flew his clothes. Suddenly hundreds of hunky Smashers appeared, all surrounding Name, who was smiling at a dinky kissing booth. Then-

" _Eugh…_ " Mewtwo shivered. "Okay. Go in, go home, I don't care. Just… just get out of here."


	37. Diamond in the Rough (Reader x Wario)

Name looked her friend over. Her dopey grin sprouted out like the beacon atop a gangly, awkward, adolescent lighthouse and enthusiasm leaked out of her eye faucets, thrilled at the prospect of female companionship and nighttime adventure. When Lucina blinked, the air was filled with golden glitter.

"Ok." Name came to a decision as she wiped glitter off her face. "I'm thinking maybe you should wait outside while I talk to Wario." Lucina's smile shied away.

"What? Why?" she asked tentatively.

"Well… You know. I'm the brains on this team. And you're the… brawn. I need you to stay out here and uh… act as my bodyguard!" Name snapped her fingers. "Make sure nobody dangerous gets past while I'm in here okay? And that includes Ike."

"Alright! You won't be disappointed," cried Lucina. "Protecting people is like my talent! I was so good at protecting my father he said he didn't need me anymore!" Name let out a sigh. This whole "despised by the world" thing was wearing on her, cramping her style! What if Lucina stole her spotlight as the _loveable underdog?_ She had to hope Marth would develop a dissociative disorder soon and rediscover himself as someone who loved Lucina. Yeah! Totally!

"I'm doomed," Name announced out loud.

"Hey, chin up!" Lucina slapped her on the back. "Everything's gonna be okay! You wanna know why?" Lucina leaned in towards Nick. "Ask me why," she suggested.

"Why?"

"Because I'm going to cheer you up with a poem! This one is a pastoral. An ode to the countryside." She took a deep breath and began a country dance. "Yinger dinger-"

"That was great, thanks," Name interrupted, clapping once, loud and sarcastically. She yanked Lucina's sword from its socket and positioned the princess in a fighting stance.

"Don't move," instructed Nick. Lucina winked, and then panicked.

"Oh no! Does that count as moving?!" Name paid no attention and went inside, Lucina's well-wishes lost against the slammed Wario door.

A yellow lamp gave off light from around the corner, illuminating a layer of floating dust everywhere. Nick made out the shapes of some bogus certificates lining the far wall, signed with a W, and caught the faint sound of murmuring voices which hushed as she entered the room.

She toed her way in, gaining full view of the desk.

"Waaahh, who a goes there?" The Big Kahuna himself sat at the head of a round table card game, dressed in a white dinner jacket and bow tie with matching hat and beatnik shades. Assembled around him was mad tea party in its entirety: pipsqueak Alph was seated on a stack of books with an array of Pikmin handling his straight flush, Dedede was dribbling a paddle ball racket while a waddle doo peeked over the table at his side, and Little Mac, with his chair facing outwards, fumbled a stack of Pokemon cards that continued to resist the wiles of his boxing gloves. "Name… always good to a see a new face! Take a seat, it's a only the second turn!"

"What are you guys playing?" Name asked, deciding the participant-as-observer approach was probably best. She sat down in the lumpy chair next to Mac while simultaneously trying to stay as far away from Mac as the minimal space made possible.

"Oh uh, hey Name." Little Mac pretended to shuffle his cards. They fell onto his lap while he continued an empty shuffling motion. "Didn't know they let girls into places like this. Uh. This bein' Wario's place I mean. I mean uh, it's nothin. I'm just sayin' stuff." He tilted the chair back with his arms behind his head, letting the cards flutter onto the ground. The chair pushed into Alph, toppling his book stack and dismantling the establishment, so that he fell to the floor covered in books. A white Pikmin ghost rose up mournfully, somehow lost in the chaos.

"We're playing WARIO WARE! SMOOTH MOVES!" Wario cried, showing off the table.

"99… 100! Ha! King me!" said Dedede bizarrely. He slammed the paddle on the table. "Wait! I'm already King! Touchdown!" The waddle doo giggled so Dedede punched it into a wall.

"But it's not a your turn anymore!" replied Wario, giving him a mischievous wink. "Let's give Name a the next turn. Little Mac, why don't a you deal her some cards."

"Is that a joke, punk?" Mac stood up and stared at the group. "You wanna fight?!"

Dedede stood up too, also wanting to be outraged. "That's no fair!" he hollered. "I finished within in the twenty second time limit and I'll swear my life on it! I'll swear!" No one made a sound. "I'll swear irregardless! Galloping gordos! So there." He sat back down. There wasn't much a difference between the two states though when you were a chubby penguin.

"I wanted to play Mouse Trap," Alph said sadly from underneath the book pile.

"The last a time we listened to a _your_ suggestion it was a Mario Party 6. And you remember what a happen after that?"

Somebody coughed. Little Mac averted his gaze.

"That's how we lost Snake," he said.

"That's a right. Now NAME! It's a your turn! CHISEL THIS A STATUE!" Somehow the rudimentary beginnings of a foot-high stone figure appeared in his hand and were tossed at Name unceremoniously. Wario posed for the art making, his luxurious chunks on display.

"Here's your chisel," Mac said politely.

Name began hacking at the rock. She wasn't sure she even wanted to glance at Wario, whose eyes were slowly turning outward to look at different sides of the room and whose teeth were like a rows upon rows of thick white doors which might frighten off even the most straight-laced Mormon. As she worked at it the figure became Shulk, carrying an umbrella, as realized by a craft musketeer whose optimism well more than made up for a lack of actual art talent.

Wario was horrified. "WHAT'S A THIS? THAT'S NOT A WHAT MY SWORD LOOKS LIKE! YOU A LOSE!" He yanked the piece from Nick's hands and pitched it at the darkest corner of the room. "Never again. You must a take a the lose turn now. And everyone know what a the lose turn is..." He looked to his comrades to fill in the blank, and Little Mac turned purple in response.

"YOU HAVE A TO KISS A MEEEEE!" said Wario. That was unusually _gay_ , Name thought, before the gravity of the situation descended upon her. Augh! Why was Name the local trash receptacle for every nauseating turn-off on the premises? Wasn't that Marth's job?

"But Dedede didn't have to kiss you when _he_ lost," she protested.

"That a was a stalemate." The King nodded. "Now KISS UP! Come to Waaaaarioooo!"

"Ugh, _fine,_ but you're a gross crusty old guy." At least she could pretend the yellow on his shirt was the blonde of Shulk's hair if he were suddenly balding or something.

"SASERU MONO KA!" Suddenly Mac's muscles Iked out in all directions, and his sculpted pointy Bronx cut melted into a flowing, dark head of locks. His eyebrows daggered like this was fucking Kill La Kill or something and after he delicately plucked Nick and moved her to the side, a magnificent uppercut came shooting up and launched Wario into the dusty heavens by a whack to his money-maker. Only the tiled ceiling on the third floor was enough to stop this rocket, and he wedged out of the ground where Waluigi happened to be using the restroom.

"WAAAAAAAAA!" cried Waluigi in horror at Wario.

"WAAAAAAAAA!" cried Wario in horror at Waluigi.

"WAAAAAAAAA!" wailed Lucina, who burst in and whacked everything in sight.


	38. He's Finally Here (Reader x DK)

Giga Mac scooped Name up in his arms like a volcano sacrifice virgin and barreled through the sea of incoming guards, a mass of Fighting Polygons lead by Mewtwo who had his finger up to his ear like he was calling in for psychic backup. Mac burst through the large doors leading out to what Name assumed was the service entrance. His bulky quads trampled a host of Wario patrons, among them Ike and Luigi who muttered something about the end of days before being eclipsed by Mac's foot. Lucina had been entirely separated from the charging Mac/Name combo by the wriggling crowd.

"Name! Oh no! Is that Wario!? Did he get you!?" She continued whacking at Dedede and Alph in some feeble attempt to save her companion.

"Ow!" Dedede grunted, "You hittin' the king!?"

"The only king _I_ recognize is my father! Even if he doesn't recognize me!" Another whack.

"Sounds like _mutiny_ to me! You'll be hearing from my lawyers, pal!" Dedede produced a Waddle Doo wearing a large pair of mono-glasses and holding a subpoena, which he tried to issue to Lucina, but not before Dedede tossed him lazily in a random direction and he was consumed by the mob. Alph piped up from somewhere below the crowd.

"You roll your dice, you move your mice. No one gets hurt." Lucina turned her head to Name.

"Stay strong, my friend! If you ever feel sad or lonely or scared, just remember these words I penned about our friendship while waiting outside the door!" She cleared her throat.

"Faster!" Name cried to her steed, who obliged with a series of grunts. He charged like an out-of-control rocket, knocking over bar stools and shattering half of Brewster's meticulously polished glasses before bounding up a staircase and out of the basement. The double doors of the service entrance burst open and Mac toppled over Falco who, seeing Name in his beefy arms, shouted "Aw yeaaaaah, not goin' home alone to-niiiight! What what?" Hearing this from a ways down the hall Doc Louis turned around from a vending machine that was slowly dispensing a chocolate bar to him and gave a thumbs up.

"Show 'em what you got, Mac baby."

"Ew, gross!" Name cried, totally unable to move from her muscle cocoon. "I'm not going home with this dork! I'm going on a date with Shulk and he's going to kiss me on the face!" Mac screeched to a halt and wheeled on her, but he was carrying her so he ended up just spinning in a circle. His breaths came in fast, visible waves and quickened like a bull in a Target store.

"Shhh… SHUUUUUULK!" he roared. Mac's fist went flying and crashed through a glass-plate window. He swung outside and began ascending the building with surprising speed and boxing-gloved dexterity. He pounded his way up several floors of the building and scaled the scaffolding of the Wrecking Crew site, quickly reaching the top of the Smash Ltd. Penthouse where the Brothers Hand resided and making his way to the spire antenna on the roof.

"WE… WE HERE!" he yelled hanging off the side of the antenna with one hand and looking at Name who was cradled uncomfortably in the other. She puffed out her cheeks in annoyance.

" _This_ isn't my date with Shulk!" Mac grunted in anger at the sky and composed himself.

"FORGET SHULK… he, uh… he NO GOOD, BABE." He tried to wink but couldn't because his muscles were so taut that he couldn't pull his eyelid down. Instead he just bulged at her. Name shuddered and looked around for an exit strategy. There, sitting on the roof, she saw Donkey Kong looking up at the pair with mild interest. He ooked at Name, seeing her staring.

"Dandy Cane!" she cried, "Save me! I'm being kidnapped against my will!" Donkey Kong's mouth hung open slightly and his eyes blinked separately in total non-comprehension. "...He's taking over your turf! Ook ook! Get him!" DK's eyes narrowed slightly.

"N-NO!" Mac faltered, wobbling from his position around the antenna, "IT UH… IT NOT LIKE THAT, MAN. Just need to like… uh… BORROW this antenna for a bit?" Whether or not the monkey understood this, he seemed angered and quickly climbed his way up onto Mac and began bashing at him.

"Yeah, that's it! You get him!" Name cheered. Mac looked horrified.

"WAIT, Name, uh… look, you REAL PRETTY GIRL AND… I bring you up for… uh… HERE. I SHOW?" With the gorilla whaling on him, Mac awkwardly dangled himself partways off the spire so that he looked like a terrible flamenco dancing hood ornament. He cleared his throat."Chuh… CHAPTER FOURTEEN MAC… H-HUNKILLY HOLDS… NAME! IN FRONT OF MOON! 'W-WOW MAC, YOU REAL HUNKY GUY… me think this not ONLY full moon you see tonight.' 'OH NAME.' 'OH MAC. TAKE ME NOW,' she say, 'AND HE TAKE HER NOW.'" Mac turned to her with hopeful eyes. He couldn't blink and one eye had a fly crawling on it.

"Aw, Mac! That's so sweet! You were acting out your fanfiction! Now I understand! ...Hey, could you... do me a favor? Can you do that cute little awkward lean thing you do? It gets me going~!"

"O-OH, YEAH, SURE BABE. SO UH, YOU MEAN, UH, LIKE THIS? I'm just TRYIN' THINGS, TELL ME IF IT'S BAD." Giga Mac released his arms so he could lean and proceeded to fall off of the building. "I CAN DO BETTER NEXT TIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiime!" Name turned to DK and gave him a thank you hug. DK scratched his head and picked Name up. He then Donkeycided the both of them through the skylight of the Brothers Hand's penthouse.


	39. Princess Charming (Reader x Peach)

When her eyes fluttered open, she found herself sprawled on a lush red carpet in a ringlet of glass shards and the inside of her head felt like an old-fashioned alarm clock with a little mallet springing back and forth and knocking her on the ears. Two diamond-blue eyes emerged from the blur staring her in the face. The owner of these put a hand on its chin in worry.

"I want you to-a tell me how many fingers I'm-a holding up." Another hand came forward showing a victory symbol and scissored its fingers. Nick answered "who cares," determined to maintain her characteristic aloofness like she hadn't just fallen through the ceiling.

"And this, like I was saying, is why we can't have free public healthcare," scoffed another voice from her left. The attendant pressed his ear to her chest, listened for air.

"Well, you were a-smart to come-a crashing down to the company doctor, Name," he said humorlessly. She focused her eyes on the figure and Mario's face came forward through the mist, scratching his potato nose. He wore ordinary clothes. "Does anything a-hurt?"

"My heart..." she whispered, at which point Mario abandoned her for his spot on the couch.

"Yup, she's a-fine." he said. Nick sat up and rubbed her temples, taking in the scene. DK had vanished, and in his place a sitting area of leather couches upon which the upper class smashers were having evening tea together. Marth was stirring his tea back and forth in an arc, six-o'-clock to twelve-o'-clock, the fancy way, not the cool swirly way like cool people do. He was saying something stupid about health care to Link, who looked overwhelmed to be on the receiving end of this conversation, and held his trembling glass in two hands like a bowl of soup.

"Pikaaaa?" Pikachu cut in. He nibbled on a poffin, reflecting Marth's political views. Name studied the group carefully making a mental note, and then swiveled back to Marth.

"I'm pretending I don't see you right now," said Marth, furrowing his brow.

"I don't get it," Name was saying. "Why are you here? I mean I get you're like the flagship Fire Emblem guy, but, _come on."_ She pointed at the others in assembly as though her meaning was obvious among them. "I mean, might as well invite Star Fox too, at this point, am I right?"

The Hero King seethed. "Initially I declined the Masters Hands' invitation but after my room was _sabotaged_ by _two individuals who shall not be named_ I figured I hadn't much to lose here."

"He totally paid his way in," she whispered to Link. But Link refused to be recruited and stared at his tea like he had spotted a penny in the bottom of the cup. Suddenly one of the doors flew open and Peach's sing-song voice fluttered in; she carried a silver tray stacked with macarons and swished the skirts of her evening gown with each step, laughing all the while with Master Hand, who floated in behind her wearing a chef's hat.

"I have to _hand_ it to ya, princess, this might be your best batch yet," he said. "Ha! _Nailed_ it."

"Stop, you're just killing me," replied Peach, in a syrupy sort of way. The pair spotted Nick staring up stupidly from the fuzzy carpet, with her legs spread wide apart and looking as offensively out of place as Pittoo browsing a Hallmark in earnest.

"Naaaame!" cried Peach. "Oh, oh I didn't know you would be here. How wonderful!" She glided across the room and swiveled the tray about with a flourish, handing each guest a cookie, but first Marth, who replied, "You're an absolute dream," rather sweetly, crossing his legs at the knee. Nick Name had never seen this man show kindness. She tasted vomit.

"Pookie bear," Peach said as she handed Mario his cookie. Then she sat down next to the Prince again, as Master Hand settled beside Link, who positively shriveled.

"Hey, kid." Hand looked down at her. " _Thought_ I heard a noise. Thanks for... _dropping_ in!" Kid blinked. "Wait, you're not throwing me out?" she asked.

"Nah, nah! We're cool! We're friends, aren't we?

"The entire company security force is presently engaged in some commotion downstairs," Marth clarified. He was sitting _way_ too close to Peach for Name's liking, and doing that thing where the arm's almost around the person on the couch back but not quite. Name would have none of it. So she plopped herself on top of Peach, laying her legs across Marth's lap like the pair was her personal sleeping bag. "Does your wife bake?" she asked him with fake earnestness.

"Cooks a little, but baking - not especially, no." Hmm… This must have been an Ashley Madison kind of thing. Nick would have to once again destroy all happiness, as a favor to Shee-Sh... Sheena? ...Bush Lady, who wasn't there to witness her _cheating_ husband.

"Name, you are so funny!" Peach laughed with her little hand covering her little pink "o"-shaped mouth. Name leaned back, sprawled across the two on the couch, watching the ceiling. "Oh, everything is just so much more fun with you around!" She lovingly stroked Name's hair. "Yes, she's so charming, isn't she," Marth lied through his teeth.

"Yes I am," Nick agreed. "Welp, pilates time." Without warning she positioned herself in a ramp and began raising her legs in the air one at a time. "Really works the glutes." Peach, who was not on the dynamic end of the display, laughed again, this time with a much more genuine sound. Conversely Marth was receiving the part which featured the wobbly bits, so his laugh was more of a "Hahahahaha," which was very clearly laugh Morse Code for "I will write the names of all the ancient gods with your bones." Link was just glad he wasn't the most universally hated piece of the upper crust human chess set for a brief moment and sighed in relief. Mario was saying sarcastically, "I'm-a so glad you read the pamphlet I-a gave you."

Just when it seemed things couldn't get worse, Crazy Hand barged in with a triumphant "FOOOUND IT!" while holding a rotten-looking scrapbook. "Haha, you'll NEVER guess where it was! Come on, GUESS!" The other hand balanced his teacup on the pad of his thumb and slurped at it with the remaining fingers. "Under your mattress," Master said, unperturbed.

"Under my- HEY! How did you know?!" Then came his hysterically high, flamboyant laughter. He closed in on the gathering and selected Mario as his victim. "MAN! You remember when you just looked like a couple of polygons? Come on, how funny was THAT." Mario groaned.

"Yes, I-a remember. It's-a the same picture you show me every time." Crazy Hand scrapbook time was generally accepted as the time when guests began awkwardly filtering out to avoid being sucked in the one-sided black hole that was Crazy Hand describing each and every photo-assisted memory of the 64 era, considerably easier if you weren't a true veteran.

"Hey, Marth!" screamed Crazy Hand. "You know what I HAVEN'T been able to find is pictures of YOU! Man, I feel real bad. I know I say this every time, and those pictures are what'll round the collection out, I KNOW IT!" Then he forgot what he was talking about. "Oh BOY, MACARONS!"

It was now ten o'clock, Peach decided. She indicated her intention to leave to Nick, who halted the exercises and did a roly poly into Marth.

"I've got to hustle," said Peach. "I'm always so in the way when everyone starts reminiscing! Pookie." She planted a kiss on Mario's forehead. Marth offered to escort her to her quarters, not subtly shifting Name from his lap and dropping her the foot-and-a-half's distance to the floor. _You're lucky you look so darn cute in a bathrobe,_ Nick thought sourly.

"Oh, would you? You're such a dear." Princess Peach turned and without any sense of irony called out, "Name, come with us! Prince Marth is going to take us to our rooms." Nick bounced off the floor and trotted over to her. "Vroom, vroom! Here comes the third wheel!"

("Maybe a-don't pretend to be a race-a car until you-a rest off those wounds," suggested Mario, but the trio ignored him and set off to the elevator. "OrnotthatsaokayIdontareallylikeyou.")

On the journey down, the noble prince offered his arm to Peach, who instead preferred to take the hands of her two partners, completely oblivious to his mounting frustration. This was the fancy elevator; you could tell because there was no terrible music playing in it. The girls swung their arms back and forth gleefully and hummed two conflicting tunes which came together in a grating dissonant chord. Marth did not enjoy having his arm swung. Peach giggled with Name, ""Let's skip the whole way!" thinking they were complicit in debauchery not by intention of bothering Marth but because skipping down the halls was so dreadfully sinful!


	40. Pipe Dream (Reader x Mario)

Marth absolutely insisted they drop Name off first ("So I can have more time with you lovely ladies," he claimed, clearly biting his own tongue while forcing himself to include Name in that descriptor). When they arrived they were greeted by Toon Link standing guard at her door.

"Oh! Goodie!" Peach peeped, "More friends! Now I understand why all of you stay up so late!"

"I _normally don't_ ," Marth stared daggers at Name. He turned to Toon Link and looked at him like a parade blocking his morning commute. "What's this about? I'm sure it'll be _riveting_." Toon Link pointed to a sign on the door drawn in crayola marker and what looked like mascara.

" _DEATH STINKS POLITELY!_ _SECRET PRACTICE SESSION! and no, you CAN'T come in!"_ The tiny cel-shaded guard folded his arms and cocked his enormous bobblehead. He was wearing his black performance outfit, eyeliner and red contacts. It must be a dress rehearsal.

"What do you mean I can't come in!?" Name huffed, "It's my room!" She heard the atrocity that was Dark Pit's keytar wailing somewhere inside. Judging by the sound quality they had probably put up a sound barrier against the door, which she was guessing was her overturned bed. "What are you doing in there? It's not a playground, y'know. I'm not going to stand by while you turn my bedroom into THE LAAAB 2.0. Also your music sucks."

"You suck!" said Toon Link. Marth nodded in agreement while Peach looked around with a vague eagerness, excited to learn her friends' hip slang terms. A few muffled grunts and the sound of pushing furniture came from the other side of the door before Pitool emerged.

"We're changing guards, I need my conductor-" Dork Pit practically jumped at the sight of Name, though he seemed uninterested in the other two adults who stared condescendingly at his ridiculous stage getup. "H-hey! I said not to come back here! What are you, deaf!?"

"I will be after _that_ performance," Name groaned. Marth nodded in agreement while Peach looked at Name, shocked and saddened to hear that her friend would be deaf soon.

"What!? H-h-h-how much of it did you hear!?" he squeaked, genuinely horrified.

" _Probably_ everything. I give it a D minus. Had what-I-assume-is-my-bed not been in the way blocking some of the sound I would've given it an F. Why are you guys doing this now? Did the Killer Bees challenge you to a last-minute Battle of the Bands that you forgot about again?"

Pittonic Water let out of a sigh of relief and composed himself. "N-no! Shut up! We wouldn't need to practice to beat THOSE dorks, now that Yoshi's out of the band." Yoshi, the only ex-member of _Death Stinks_ _Politely_ who hadn't left of his own accord had famously ruined their chances at last year's Rhythm Heaven Battle of the Bands competition by eating all of the equipment and turning it into eggs on stage. Pittoo still held a huge grudge against him for that and so Name rarely saw the dinosaur anymore. "Besides, we're not practicing for _that_ ," he sneered, "We're practicing our set for Ness's big party tomorrow! The last song is gonna catapult us straight into the indie-rock-slash-death-metal-freeform history books!"

"Oh," Name yawned, "Then I guess I'll be catapulting myself away from Ness's party."

"W-whoa! No! You can't do that!" Pittruffula Tree fumbled desperately, the keytar around his neck swinging around and slamming into his arm, letting out a terrible chirp. "You HAVE to be there! It's super important!"

"Why would I want to listen to that?" Name snorted. A hooded Robin slipped out of her dorm.

"Because the last song is something you'll be really interested in hearing," he said blandly.

"SSHHHH!" Pit smashed his hand into Robin's face, "Dude, you'll ruin the _surprise!_ ...Ha! HA ha ha ha… What Grima _means_ is that it'd be a shame if you missed our big break! Not that I _care_."

Name raised an eyebrow and looked at Robin. "Grima?" she questioned.

"It's my stage name. Rwar." He raised his arms up into a roaring dragon pose but gave up halfway and let them flop to the floor. "We need stage names or no one will think we're cool."

"Yeah, that's the deciding factor," Name rolled her eyes. Pittooie put his arms behind his head.

"So yeah, not that I _CARE_ or anything, but you should PROBABLY maybe come to the performance tomorrow definitely. Anyways, I'm done practicing the tambourine segment. I need to get my rhythm down now with The Spiky Whirlwind." Name assumed that meant Toon Link and was unable to suppress her laughter. "So… don't come back!" He slammed the door.

" _Now_ where am I supposed to sleep," Name flopped.

"You could sleep over with Princess Peach," Robin offered. Name noticed that the shadow from his hood obscuring his face was actually just dark makeup he was wearing. Probably Pittoo's idea. Before she could mention this Peach interrupted her with a bouncing excitement.

"Ooh! A slumber party! That sounds so fun! It's a little late notice, but I don't think Pookie will mind! I'm feeling… mischievous tonight! We can stay up late! Even until… 11!" Marth's face darkened, and unlike Robin's his was genuine.

"Well. I… guess I could accompany you two maidens. But I would have to have appropriate accommodations. A full plush, king-sized guest bed must be provided along with a nighttime servant to serenade me. Though, in a pinch, I wouldn't mind sharing a room with the Princess."

"Oh Marth, you're so silly!" Peach giggled through a gloved hand, "There are no boys allowed at slumber parties! Goodnight!" She grabbed Name's hand and lead her down the hallway, leaving Marth alone and sour to the tune of a mangled keytar. Name shot him a hostile raspberry as she receded down the hall. Little Mac appeared at her room as she rounded the corner out of sight.

"Hey there, Princecakes. You seen Name? Doc said that girls like chocolates for dates, so I managed to swipe half of his chocolate bar and now I'm tryin' to give to her." He produced a chocolate bar from his sweaty pants with a poorly re-folded tin wrapper and a healthy bite mark. The mark was still a little wet and there was a mustache hair on it. "Pretty suave, huh?"

"That's _disgusting._ "

The slumber party was a bit of a bust, as Name expected. Rosie was already out cold and despite Peach's best efforts to be rebellious she had dozed off to sleep at precisely five past ten during Name's quick trip to the restroom. Name decided it was probably time to head off to sleep anyways considering how much crap she had done today. She elected to visit the kitchen and grab some cookies and warm milk before catching her much-needed winks and on the way passed Mario screwing around with the toilet Name had just used.

"What're you doing?" she asked, suspiciously.

"You-a clogged it," he grumbled, presenting the monkey wrench he used to tweak the pipes.

"I _peed_."

"You also-a blew your nose. On a _washcloth_. An _expensive_ washcloth. And then-a _flushed it-a down-a de toilet_."

"Whoops." Name shrugged. She looked the plumber over. He didn't want Name there and they both knew it, but he kept quiet. She was impressed by his constant professionalism. And his constant professions. The man was a doctor, a plumber, a race car driver, heck, he once filled in for the ref at one of Mac's boxing tournaments. She decided he deserved at least a little respect. He was letting her stay over on zero notice. "I mean… sorry. I guess." Mario gave a little grunt of acknowledgement. Name began to walk away, but then she remembered Pittoo had broken their sink during one of his more intense "IT WASN'T ME SINGING IN THE SHOWER" sessions. She needed some help on that. "Y'know, Mario… I wouldn't mind it if you took a long look at _my_ pipes sometime." Mario stared at her. He handed her a piece of paper.

"Here," he said, "This is a restraining order. You're-a banned from my clinic."


	41. Ike, Quit Hogging Her! (Reader x Sonic)

At the best of times, Name preferred to rouse around seven and roll around in bed another hour before getting up for breakfast, but hustle and bustle in Peach's dorm began bright and early. The two princesses had a room adjoined with the Mario brothers', and all four employees shared a bathroom.

"Can't you have 'morning board game' hour in the _other_ room?" Nick groaned, rolling to the side and pulling the thin blanket over her head. She was tucked in on the Falcon Loveseat which they had discovered was also a Falcon Pull-out. Peach looked up from the breakfast table where she, Rosalina, and 'Pookie' were having a friendly round of Meteos Astro Blocks.

"Luigi's sleeping!" she said helpfully.

" _I'm_ sleeping." Nick tossed and turned a few more minutes before she abruptly gave up and tossed the covers to the ground. "Anyone up for breakfast? It's recycling day!" Two sentences such as these could ordinarily be described as what is called a "non-sequitur," but Smash Bros., Ltd., ever willing to best themselves in the department of inadequate living provisions, had their residents on Fridays eat leftover Xenoblade Chronicles and food packaging in lieu of actual food, giving a new meaning to the phrase, "consumers of bad journalism." At the _worst_ of times, Name liked to attribute the faults of her own personality, and possibly Lucina's, to this fact, seeing as they were the most eager cafeteria attendees.

"Not-a now, this game is really heating up," said Mario in what was obviously his attempt to make Nick go away. She shrugged and folded the love seat bed back into its original stuffed suitcase shape, lazily tossing the Mushroom-patterned blanket on loan from Peach on top of it.

"Oh, Name, thanks for coming over! I had so much fun!" said the Princess, who leapt up to exchange a goodbye hug. Rosie waved from where she was sitting and Mario pretended to be busy doing adult things as he shifted his game piece down the rainbow cardboard path.

Name took in the welcoming scent of the cafeteria, relieved to be back in her natural habitat. "Good moooorning, Smash Brothers!" she cried, her arms spread-eagled. Exactly one table was occupied, that belonging to Ike, Diddy Kong, and what looked to be Greninja. Diddy waved.

This place was understandably pretty deserted, and soon it would be pretty _desserted,_ Name thought cleverly, when she brought her breakfast to the whipped cream station. Whipped cream was the only food supply the company ordered; it was all their in-house dining budget would allow for, though nobody knows just quite where the unbranded cans came from. It also might have been shaving cream, but sadly differentiating between whipped cream, shaving cream, and other sticky white substances was not one of her many talents; you'd have to ask Ike.

"And you won't believe what happened... They're… They were statues," Ike was telling Greninja, who blinked his bizarre side-eyes with interest. He was dressed in just his underwear and it sounded like he had slack-jaw, from the way he was slurring the words together, but then Name realized it was because he was periodically taking bites out of a metal can.

"Nin?" Greninja wondered in his shrill frog voice.

"No, brother. There weren't any of your kind back in that time," Ike said solemnly.

"Hey guys," greeted Nick, sliding onto the seat so that she and Ike rubbed shoulders. "Where's Duck Hunt Brother?" The general shrugged. Diddy Kong provided a meaningless answer of animal sounds, but since she didn't think anyone else at the table was ignorant to monkey speak, she pretended to understand anyway. "I see."

Name grabbed the first rolled up newspaper on her tray and chewed at it, deep in thought. "Gosh, Ike. You know what I think the best part about our friendship is?" Ike chomped his can and waited for her to continue. "If my life was an otome game, and I only went to like three different locations because that's how many background images they had, you would always be in the same place. You know, like you go to the courtyard to get with the namby-pamby, you go to the computer lab to get with the smart guy, and you go to the food court to get with Ike!"

"I do not understand." Ike's mouth was full of can. "What is this 'oat ome game?'"

"Jaaa," Greninja said in a warning tone. He shook his head with embarrassment.

"Oh! That reminds me! I thought of the best nickname for you, Ike. Are you ready?"

He swallowed. "I suppose. 'Lay it on me, female,'… as the youths like to say."

"Radiant Hero!" Name replied, and clapped her hands in delight. "Is that awesome or what?!" Ike paused, not getting the visual pun.

"That is my title, yes," he said.

"No, no, like _hero._ Radiant _Hero._ Like the sandwich."

"There is… a sandwich named after me?" Ike sounded as though he had walked into a surprise birthday party and Soren jumped out of a giant cake not wearing any clothes. Suddenly Nick felt a tap on the shoulder from behind that felt like a woodpecker. She turned around to see Sonic staring her in the face and flinched. He continued to tap her shoulder for attention.

"Ah! Sonic! What the hell are you doing here?"

"That's my name, don't wear it out!" said Sonic. The rest of the table turned their attention elsewhere. Sonic was never quite "animal" enough to make it onto Ike's recruitment list. "Take a chill pill, Name! I just wanted to ask if you read my article before you ate it. It was mad wicked!"

"Uh… Yeah. It was great," Name lied, hoping he would leave them alone.

"For realskies? What was your favorite part?" Uhh. Shit. What was it even about? She racked her brain for ideas and accidentally said "the byline," which was apparently good enough. Sonic slipped into the space next to Name without invitation and rested his elbows on the table, one hand on his cheek. "Chief says the story on the windows is a no-go," he said sadly. "I thought I could swing with you cool cats on the flippity flop until I thought of something better."

A piece of Sonic's article got stuck in her throat. "You thought you could _what?!"_

"You know, I'm rollin' with the homies!" He used his free hand to do the wavy arm thing from _Clueless -_ not that Name had ever seen that movie because ugh, chick flicks. Sonic looked at her sidelong and expectantly.

"You're pretty!" he blurted out. Nick swatted him on the head with a rolled up newspaper as though he were a blue spider with a stupid squiggly grin across its face.

"Not putting up with this shit today." She turned and snapped her fingers. "Ike! You're my boyfriend now." Ike cried out in shock. Diddy _ook ooked_ that he would be her boyfriend.

"B-but but!" blubbered the blue hedgehog. "I need a gal pal in order to do this hot article I came up with on dating advice! Throw me a bone, Name, I'm wigging out here. You and me are tight like a rubberband!" He rotated through a handful of emotional extremes before settling on a long sigh. "What am I gonna do? The weekly deadline is tomorrow! So uncool!"

"Don't worry, after Shulk and I go on our first date I can tell you all about it," said Name.

"Woah! You're going steady with the CHIEF?!" Sonic flailed. "But I thought you were dating Ike!"

"Ook aahh," said Diddy in protest.

"Ooky ook," agreed Ike.

"Well yeah, I rotate through all the boys at Smash on a schedule. Right now it's Ike's hour."

"Is there space in your sched' for Sonic the Hedgehog?" Sonic asked eagerly. Name glanced down at her imaginary wristwatch.

"Sure. You're my boyfriend starting… now." A second ticked. "And now it's over."


	42. Hot Stu! (Reader x Charizard)

Ike rose from the table, tired of all this nonsense. "Come! It is time to visit our other brothers. The Fraternal Meeting of Equal Beings commences in one hour. To wing, brothers! Keep up with me if you can!" The other animals rose in tandem and followed Ike as he ran off. As far as Name could tell none of them had wings, herself included, but she decided to follow anyways. Sonic casually jogged alongside the group.

"Yeah, woo, Frats! Totally baller! I'm game." Everyone but Diddy seemed irked by his presence.

"Hey Sonic," Name said, "Why don't you go ask Zelda if she can be your girlfriend? She loves dating men! Heck, she's dating Link right now!"

"Man, I'd love to, but the only person _I_ could find was Sheik!"

"Well, look harder!" Name suggested, only a little surprised Sonic hadn't figured out the twist on that mystery yet. For the fastest thing alive, he was pretty slow.

"Holy shnikies! You're right! Gotta bounce!" he zipped off in a blur and Name sighed. She trotted a distance behind the physically superior Ike and until they reached a covert, fancy-looking storefront she had never been in before. A small wooden sign hanging perpendicular to the doorway said " _The Grrrill"_ in elegant, looping letters. Name walked in behind the crowd of animals and Ike, surprised to seem more out of place in a fancy restaurant than they did. Ike gave a familiar nod to the maître d', a young man with brown hair and a piercing gaze, and walked right in. The animal crew passed by casually, but the man stopped Name at the door.

"..." he stared.

"Uh… I'm with them?" a bead of sweat appeared on her forehead. She was glad she didn't have any pokemon with her, because this guy was looking at her like he wanted a battle. Ike turned.

"Why are you following us, female one?" Greninja's lopsided eyes demanded an explanation.

"Uh… because I'm interested in your cause?"

"Yet you bear no fur, feather or scales," Ike noted. Greninja croaked. "Or slime. Sorry, brother."

"But aren't we like… all the same on the inside?" Name tried. This was a rhetorical question, but Name sure as hell didn't know the answer. Nevertheless Ike exchanged a glance with his brothers and gave her a nod. It seemed that was good enough for them and the scary-looking doorman let her through. They went to the back of the restaurant and sat down at a private wooden table covered in sword notches. A waiter passed by, recognized Ike's party instantly and went to the back to fetch someone. Moments later Charizard emerged from the back. He was wearing a bow tie and his wings were folded behind his back out of courtesy.

"Grahr," he said politely, sitting down at the table. If he was surprised to see Name there he made no indication of it.

"Brother," the others all said in their various languages. Ike pointed to Name, "This is our newest brother, Brother Female. She is very interested in our cause. Apparently." Charizard nodded.

"Hey," Name said. "Do you own this place? That's surprising. I thought you worked at _Hot Stu_."

"What, are you implying that Dragons can't own a healthy business establishment!? Huh!?" Ike suddenly lunged at her, sword in one hand. Diddy and Greninja held him back with their feeble arms, apparently ready for this outburst. It seemed Ike had a soft spot for dragons, probably due to that half-dragon man-wife of his. Charizard, ignoring Ike's outburst, snapped his fingers. The intimidating boy from before appeared behind him instantly, acting as a translator.

"I am the owner," he spoke over Charizard's growls, "And I'm afraid that ' _Hot Stu,'_ as you call it is no more. I filed an insurance claim after that vandal broke in last night and used the money to remodel." He looked at Name who raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Tom Nook's boys work fast. So long as they can start construction before midnight, they'll be done by morning. As you can see, my business is quite successful. I was once but a humble worker employed under this young man," he indicated the boy. Name looked at his nametag, which said merely "Red," a name she had heard in passing once or twice. Or maybe that was the color in general. "Now _I_ am the master. And I invite you to feast at my humble restaurant." Name gazed around and, to her surprise, saw quite a few familiar faces getting breakfast at the new restaurant. Among them, Samus and Wiifu were at one table while Shulk was browsing a menu alone at another.

"Shulk!" Name said aloud, "I bet he's here looking at prospective date locations for the two of us." She ignored her immediate follow-up thought that he was probably just here to review the restaurant for tomorrow's weekly deadline and trotted over to him. "Uh… brb, brothers."

"Oh. Hi there," Shulk said, looking up from his menu. Name sat down uninvited and leaned forward on her elbows.

"Hi Shulk! So nice of you to reserve a table for the two of us! I'm really excited for our date!" Shulk leaned over and grabbed her arm. "Oh my~! So forward!" He then lifted her elbows off the table and pushed them onto her lap.

"I just foresaw the waiter coming over and telling you elbows aren't allowed on the table." He motioned to Bowser, also wearing a bow tie (which he called a Bow-tie) staring at the two of them. "Also, I believe our deal was 'You get me info on Wario's operation and _then_ we go on a date.' You haven't followed through on your end of the bargain yet."

"Well, not only did I figure out some stuff about Wario, but I totally played a part in that huge raid last night. I'm sure _that's_ newsworthy!" Name recounted what Mewtwo had told her about Wario bringing back veteran smashers, pointedly leaving out certain details for later as insurance so Shulk would stay until the end of their date and also hopefully pay for the meal.

"Hey, if this goes well, we can have a follow-up date tonight! You can take me to Ness's party!"

"I wasn't invited," Shulk shrugged.

"Me neither, explicitly! And two not-invites makes one yes-invite! That's what papa Sir Name always said when I wasn't invited to the other girls' birthday parties as a kid!" Shulk seemed to take interest in this and jotted something down with a tiny Monado pen that Name immediately whacked out of his hand. "Besides, I think some band's playing tonight. Death Stinks Politely or something. But they're terrible so I assume they're opening for someone good."

"Death Stinks Politely!?" Shulk perked up, "Now that might change some things!"

"Oh… are you a fan?" she asked, her libido immediately fading.

"I'm a fan of anything newsworthy, and that band is a walking disaster area. Every time they play a show, something terrible happens, and I like being there to catch all that falling paydirt!" Bowser swung by and presented Shulk his food, a plate of something gross, slimy and gray.

"What is that," Name said flatly.

"I'm really eeling it!" Shulk said, taking a bite of his eel. Name sort of reeled back for a second before realizing this was probably one of Shulk's attempts to ward her away. Then she remembered he was British and they ate eel and other mashed garbage over there like it was edible or something. Gross. It was then Name realized she had some newspaper in her teeth.

 _Man, I'm totally botching this_ , she thought, trying to subtly pick it out, _I need to turn this around._ She looked over at the table of Brothers, who were all staring at her. It seemed they had been patiently waiting for her to come back before they started their meeting. Name did the only thing she could do in this situation and gave a little signal for Charizard to come over. He diligently clomped over to their table and Name whispered in his ear.

"Hey Cherry-zard, I'm totally tanking this date with Shulk. Can you help a girl- Brother out and… y'know, do something about this mood." Charizard nodded. He motioned to Bowser who disappeared for a moment and then brought out four of his children. They got into barbershop quartet formation and began singing a love song in voices that weren't quite as terrible as Name would've expected. Charizard leaned down and used his fire breath to light the candle on the middle of their table. "Thanks bro," Name said. Charizard accepted a tiny fistbump.


	43. His Master Sword (Reader x Link)

Shulk watched the koopa quartet and chewed his eel thoughtfully. This was all a little nerve-wracking for Nick Name. Although she was an expert in the art of flirting and first base harassment, she had only gone on a handful of successful dates before. This guy was a journalist and man of science, and Name only knew about _stupid_ stuff, like expired Webkinz codes and the weekly rankings on the Chum Chum Channel _._ If she tried to engage in conversation she'd totally say something ridiculous and Shulk would recognize her for the dumbass she truly was. Perhaps it'd be best to just let him carry the conversation.

"It's really amazing all the different life forms you see around here," Shulk was saying.

"So what made you get into the newspaper business?" asked Name, picking up his discarded menu and leafing through it. "I mean you're like a swordsman, so it's a little unusual."

He looked at her kindly and said, "Swordsman, eh? I like that. I don't actually fight monsters by trade, you know. I'm a scientist." Shulk took a sip from a nearby glass of water. "As for the paper, to tell you the truth, I initially did it just to raise my affinity with the area. But after that was done, I decided I liked it and kept on with it. Plus, it's always nice to stay on top of things."

"Oh," she blinked in non-comprehension. Shulk kept talking and didn't seem to notice.

"I keep a chart of everyone I know here and mark down their relationships on it. Like when two people get on really well they get a little blue smiley face on the chart. Well, for my friends and I it's a little different, but you get the idea. Sorry, I'm rambling. Anyway, did you know what once you get the Smash Bros. building to five stars Palutena will give you one of her high school yearbooks for an Extreme Authority?" Name didn't know that.

"What the hell is an Extreme Authority?" she asked. Before Shulk could answer a melancholy whistle sounded from nowhere. A taller, redder Mega Man with a yellow bowtie appeared at the tableside and prompted her order. Or... maybe it was the _Excitebike_ guy? "Cake," Name demanded and pushed the menu towards the waiter. "Do I get a side salad with that?"

"No," said Taller Redder Megabike as he jotted down the item, his stupid indoor sunglasses reflecting the romantic candlelight. He disappeared in a pillar of light that ascended and disappeared into the ceiling. Man, these dragons will hire anybody, Name thought Marthly.

Shulk scratched his head. "It's uh, it's this kind of flower I found when I was out in the courtyard. I named it Extreme Authority. Old habits." He looked rather sheepish before perking up again as he got an idea. "You know, I've never traded with you before! Got anything you'd be willing to give up for…" Monado Boy searched his pockets before producing a translucent green stone with a yellow streak. "I got this from Pikachu after beating him in a stock match the other day. I tried testing its properties, but I couldn't quite figure out what it does."

Nick thumbed her pockets hoping a similarly cool item would pop out, but since she wasn't the type to frisk her opponents after a round all she got in answer to this was a loose thread.

"I'll give you my virginity," she offered instead. Shulk frowned and put the gem away.

"Thanks, but I'll keep asking around." That was fine though, since he could get her v-card for free. Nick knew this wasn't irresponsible because Shulk was her One True Love 2.0 (For Real This Time!) PhD, and in any case it was high time she was deflowered by an attractive man; after all, she was already [DATA EXPUNGED] years old! She'd ask him again later.

There was a commotion over at the Brothers' table. Charizard had leapt up without warning and charged through the restaurant looking distraught, forfeiting all pretense of fanciness and delicacy. Name followed his intense gaze over to a shelf lined with enormous, expensive vases, where Link was tucking himself into a somersault and tumbling into the wall below. A true sign of Tom Nook's thievery, the shelf couldn't stand even this single blow, and collapsed parallel to the wall, depositing all its treasures to gravity and sending them shattering. Link jumped up and began collecting the shiny, cartoonish gems that spewed out like a pigeon running around in a shower of popcorn. One of the Koopalings broke off from the band and ran over with a squeal to join in on the fun. Charizard howled with rage and grabbed Link by the shirt collar screaming in his face unintelligible dragon sounds before "Red" managed to get to his side.

Shulk stood up and rushed to intervene. "Guys, guys, easy! Let's settle this like civilized people!" Ike took offense to his choice of words and tried to rush over and cleave the kid in two, but using every ounce of their might his animal companions were able to keep him detained. Name left the table and also joined in the scene, wrapping her arms around Link and pulling him away while Shulk tried to separate Charizard.

"SHAAA!" Link objected. Not even the Fraternity of Equal Beings could make sense of this one. His language was lost to man _and_ beast. Red was admonishing him in very hot and fast words on Charizard's behalf, while Bowser called for backup on a headset.

"I'm really… heeling it!" cried Shulk, struggling to control the dragon. "Nngh! Where's Riki when you need him? Calm these guys down."

"linkweresoclosetogether," Nick Named into Link's ear. She rather enjoyed the human contact, plus if she closed her eyes and listened to Shulk, she could pretend it was him instead. Link gasped in surprise. He then changed objectives from uselessly thrashing in Charizard's direction to less uselessly thrashing his way out of Name's arms.

"HUHEH," Link said triumphantly. He ran away with his spoils, toppling over ExcitebikeMan, who had returned along with the whistling sound to bring out Name's cake.

"Brothers! After him!" commanded Ike, and the fraternity followed his charge out the door.


	44. The Turing Test (Reader x ROB)

After scraping up her piles of floorcake and shoving it into her mouth on the grounds that "it was dropped so I don't have to pay for it," Name grabbed Shulk and exited the restaurant as fast as she could. Shulk protested that he hadn't had time to interview Charizard about his struggles as a business owner for his column but Name insisted that their date came first. She dragged him across the entry plaza over to a small carnival that had set up shop in honor of Ness's birthday. Apparently Lucas knew some big wig pigs over at Pork City entertainment company and had pulled some strings.

"Isn't this great, Shulk?" Name smiled, somewhat unsure how to voluntarily hold hands, "We're gonna have the best date ever. It's going to be an overall positive and desirable experience!"

"Okay," Shulk said, middle of the roadly. He didn't seem very invested. Name had to convince him that she was the right match for him so she could shove their genitals together.

"Check it out!" she said, pointing to a ramshackle booth. A pink-colored ROB was tucked away beneath a sign that read "LOVE DETECTOR!" The sign around ROB's neck was clashingly labeled "Tomorrow's Forecast: Yes" Name squeezed Shulk like a dog with a toy. "A love detector! Let's go see how good of a match we are!" Shulk looked especially hesitant.

"I'm… not the biggest fan of robots," he mumbled.

"Why not? Is that why you write newspapers instead of eye-catching Buzzfeed articles?"

"My last girlfriend turned into a robot!" he said. Name thought about how to respond to that.

"That's rough buddy," she decided. Done with being sympathetic, Name tromped over to the booth despite Shulk's wishes and read over the instructions.

"Both members of the couple must grip one hand of the detector each as hard as they can. The detector will measure your _LOVE_ (written in bright red cursive) and it will spit out a reading on it's _ROMANCE DISK_." Name glanced at the metal beyblade sitting in the robot's lap. A series of non-sequitur readings aligned its edges. "The one that sticks highest in the air is your reading."

As an expert on romance this made perfect sense to Nick Name who grabbed ROB's outstretched left hand immediately. She turned towards Shulk and smiled expectantly. He shrugged and slowly placed his hand on ROB's remaining sensor with an expression like he thought the robot was going to bite it off.

"BEGIN SQUEEZE" said a robotic voice from somewhere inside the metal. Name was momentarily reminded of the Star Fucks' voice recorder. Shulk still hesitated. The voice insisted again. On the repeat Name realized it was Lucas's voice giving the command in the same way he'd say PK FREEZE! He must have recorded the custom sound bit this morning while setting up the carnival. There weren't any workers around, just a host of ROBs. Come to think of it, the carnival probably wasn't even open yet. Whoops.

No time to think about that now though. From the sound of the detector's loud and clunky chirrups, it was about to dispense its result. Some gears whirred and with the speed and grace of a 50 cent crane game the gyro on ROB's lap began to move. After a few seconds of slow turning it flung the disc out, hitting the table in front of him where it fell over without completing a single revolution.

"Dognut" it read.

Shulk looked it over for a second. "...I think it's supposed to say 'donut.'"

"That decides it then!" Name declared, triumphantly sticking her hands on her hips. Shulk didn't seem to understand. Name cleared her throat to clarify: "See, Sausage Fests are when it's a room full of guys. A donut fest is when it's a room full of girls!" Shulk blinked twice. "It's saying you should go for my donut!" Still nothing. Name leaned in and whispered: "havesexwithme!"

Shulk winced and backed up a few feet. "Listen Name," he stuttered, "I have to be honest, you're being much too forward for my tastes. I think maybe I should go…" He turned to leave.

"Wait!" Name cried! What did she do wrong!? "Uh… give me one last chance! I'm sure that dognut thing was just a fluke! Let's try our luck at the kissing booth!" Shulk looked around.

"I don't see a kissing booth." The Love Detector ROB spun in a circle and changed its sign so that it now read "50% OFF!", indicating that it was now a kissing booth. Two gross pairs of dull, grate-metal lips sprouted on each of ROB's hands. Name tried her hardest not to think about why those ports were a built-in feature, but failed. "This seems like a terrible idea."

"Come on, Shulk, no one lives forever!" This did not convince the Monado Boy. Nevertheless, Name confidently stuck her face forward and began fervently kissing the ROB hand. _Wait_ , she remembered _, Shulk said he wanted me to be less forward! I should kiss modestly._ Name decided to reel in her raw kissing talent a smidge and only use her tongue. Surely Shulk couldn't resist this! She visibly stuck her tongue into the slot like she was slurping up a cup of applesauce. Shulk was visibly distressed by this but began his own kiss anyways to avoid eye contact. Moments later two fortune cookie-sized slips of paper dial-up modemed their way out of ROB's base. Name picked hers up expectantly. "Strong like bull!" it read. "Neat! Shulk, what did you get? Quit really concealing it and show me!" Shulk, confused, presented his.

"Oh!" it read.

"Oh," she said.


	45. Lovers Ryunited (Reader x Ryu)

As the morning wore on they tried the house of mirrors, the funnel cakes, the fortune teller machine, the bottle breaking stand, and the booth with _kingyo-sukui,_ run by Cooking Mama. To what would be Dark Pit's absolute horror, Nick Name was enjoying herself immensely, and Shulk was also there, carrying their growing ensemble of prizes, including three goldfish affectionately named Nick Name and Shulk Jr., and Tricky Earthwalker. Shulk had won the matching pair; Tricky was Name's, though after the fact they realized neither had any plans of keeping pet goldfish, so the trio would likely be deposited to Ike and his weird animal affinity.

"Look, Shulk!" Name said, pointing out the "Test Your Strength!" display where a blue R.O.B. under the banner "YIELD" was waving its arms and wordlessly hustling carnival attendees. Being Nick Name, of course, she intended for Shulk to watch while she bested the strength tester, which was probably for the best considering how he might act when given a hammer around a bunch of robots. "Hold my stuff, okay?"

"I already am," Shulk said meekly.

She grabbed the hammer from where it had been resting in an umbrella stand and lifted it above her head, slamming it down in an arc so that it made a heavy _thunk_ on the metal target. The marker on the funny-looking strong guy thermometer slowly climbed up the ranks, with Nick not budging from her pose until it finally settled on "Go Fish!"

"Hey babe," Nick shouted over her shoulder. "What does 'Go Fish' mean?"

"I dunno." Shulk shrugged with only his free arm so as to not upset the fish baggie. He wasn't really feeling it right now; rather he was feeling pretty neutral. He supposed it was nice to take a break from work sometimes, and he could afford to since he was always early on his deadlines.

"Well you try!" She hopped over to him and unloaded the prizes so that Shulk could go for it. "I'll be cheering you on!" Shulk rolled up his sleeves while eyeing the R.O.B. suspiciously and gave his arms a good stretch before settling his grip on the hammer.

While Shulk had no traditional party members in sight, all this fun and games had filled up his alternate _Partayyy_ Gauge, a little rusty from disuse.

"Time for a chain attack!" he cried, his voice ringing out through the empty streets of the carnival. "... Alone!" A radiant blue, he flexed his muscles and brought the hammer thundering down. Up went the marker, which decided his strength ranked at "Geez Louise!"

"I think that's… a little better?" he said as the two marveled at it.

"Hmmph… you are but mere children who yet do not understand the art of the _ansatsuken._ " A tall karate dude with a ribbon tied around his forehead stepped out from where he had been lurking behind the "Test Your Strength!" meter, also holding a bag of goldfish.

"Karate Joe!" cried Name in surprise. "I always knew you'd come back for your revenge."

"I am not Karate Joe," said Karate Joe as the wind around him stirred up cherry petals from an unknown source. "My name is… Ryu!" There was but a moment's beat as though a last name were also supposed to be supplied, but none was offered and the conversation continued.

"You're the martial arts expert of Street Fighter fame," Shulk said expositorily. He stuck out his hand without the slightest trace of surprise at a large karate man jumping out at them. "Well met! I've heard your strength is the genuine article. Ha! Now I sound like Melia."

"Who's Melia!?" said Name.

"I am glad we see eye to eye, young man." Ryu nodded. "However, while I would be honored to demonstrate the _ansatsuken_ for you against this mere machine, my true mission lies elsewhere. I have not come here to seek permanent employment. I have been informed the one I seek resides here, and have come to challenge the warrior they call the Radiant Hero."

"Oh. Are you like his evil twin or something?" Name wasn't sure the dysfunctional Smash family needed more than one Ike. _This_ guy would have to become a background character.

"No, I only wish to test my skills against him in battle."

"Well Ike's my friend, and if you want to get to him, you're going to have to go through ME!" Name struck a battle pose, and since her moveset belonged to the same theme as her general romantic creepiness, this entailed blowing a kiss at the confused newcomer. "We're going from martial arts to marital arts, baby!" Hey, that was pretty cool. She'd have to write that down.

"Name, please," Shulk implored, mostly out of concern for their aquatic namesakes, who were jiggling around in the bag as Nick gestured emphatically.

"Ha! I could easily best you in a test of power, girl! Though not, I would admit, in a match of beauty." Ryu winked at her about as awkwardly as that could happen. "BEHOLD!" Without warning, one hand shot out and snatched the hammer from Shulk. "HAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"Woah! He's really steeling it!" said Name and Shulk in unison, as metal banged down on metal. Ryu hit the target with such precision and grace that it launched the marker all the way up to the top, where it landed on a congratulatory "Kiss the Bride!"

"Well, that settles that," Name shrugged, nonchalantly presenting Ryu with his victory kiss.


	46. The Other M's Marriage (Reader x Samus)

Name called after Shulk who had started walking away sometime during her conversation with Ryu. "Shulk, my honeylove, where are you going!? Did I forget part of the date over there!?"

"Sorry, Nick," Shulk called over the mound of prizes he was placing gently on the ground several feet away. He secured Shulk Jr. and chose his words carefully. "You're a… nice girl, but I don't see the two of us working out." He was backing away as he spoke. "Besides, I need to get my genuine articles in before the deadline!"

"But the deadline isn't for hours!" Name whined. She knew this fact by heart, having charted all possible "can't-go-on-a-date-with-you" excuses for any prospective smashers.

"Funny thing!" Shulk said, "The chief just gave me a ring and said the deadline got moved up!"

"But _you're_ the chief!"

"Sorry, can't hear you! Speed!" He glowed a soft green and began running with such a speed that his legs turned into spinning cartoon whirlwind wheels. He held up Shulk Jr.'s bag and called out "Thanks for the new _Chronicle_ mascot! I'm really wheeling it!" before dashing off the grounds and up the stairs across the way. Name was devastated.

"Wait, Shulk! What did I do wrong!? Did I not name enough goldfish after our hypothetical children!? Should I have kissed you more!? Was I not forward enough!?" Alas, Shulk was gone. And he had called her "a nice girl." Name had never fallen so low as to get "nice girl'd" before! She sat down on her stack of fallen prizes. "The only prize I failed to win… was his heart." She realized that was a very Pittoo thing to say and sunk even deeper into a fat, bicolor teddy bear.

"Still having trouble?" asked a voice. Name looked over to a nearby skee ball game. No one was standing there and the booth was empty save for a handful of orange balls. One of them, larger than the others, suddenly jiggled and rolled over to the pile. It unfurled and revealed itself to be Samus. "My earlier offer to talk still stands." Name scrambled up from her miserable throne and tried her best to look dignified. She couldn't let Samus see her like this! Depressed And Alone at a Carnival was #3 in her top five "You've Hit Rock Bottom, Name," list, right in between "Late to My Wedding with Dedede" and "Waking Up to Find You Got Freaky Friday'd with Pittoo."

"H-hey Samus!" she stumbled. There was no way to tell whether or not Samus thought she looked like a loser through her visored helmet. All Name could see were the ghosts of her piercing eyes behind the green, and they had her usual poker-faced stare. "...What were you doing sitting in the skee ball wrack?"

"I came here because I heard Lucas ordered a large Chozo doll," she gestured at a positively enormous stuffed doll of a large, monstrous bird statue. "I was raised by Chozo. Sometimes I curl up into a ball with them because it reminds me of home. Then I decided to practice the game by cheating at skee ball." Name was glad to see that even Samus had her quirks. Samus turned to her, deciding that she was no longer the topic of conversation. "Is everything alright?" she asked politely. Name stared at her. _Be cool_ , she thought!

"No!" Name cried, tears immediately filling her eyes, "I went on a date with Shulk but I blew it and now he _hates_ me! Now we'll never get married or hold hands and I'm gonna die alone because he was my true love built from the ground up forever to be!" She descended into nonsense and began sobbing. Her shoulders rocked up and down softly, which squeezed a squeaky toy she was sitting on so that every sob made a duck noise. Samus put a comforting, cold, metal hand on her shoulder.

"There there. It'll be okay," her voice echoed, "There are lots of other guys out there for you."

"But I had a periphery last night and realized he was my true love!" She meant epiphany.

"Have you thought about what I told you? About figuring out what love really is, and not forcing yourself on people? And about making sure you love for your own sake, and not for the sake of some self-cultivated image?" Samus asked.

"You didn't talk to me about any of that stuff."

"Well, pretend I did because it makes for a better character arc," said Samus. A character arc… Name had never had one of those before! She sat up, a feeling of cautious optimism washing her off like a faucet spritzing a chicken breast someone had dropped on the floor. "You need to stop grasping at every guy who passes by and look for the one who really likes you for you. ...I happen to know for a fact there's a match for you here at Smash Ltd. I see it plain as day."

Name blinked. "Do you mean Little Mac? Because he's gross and sweaty and smells like sausage"

"No," Samus sighed, "Little Mac is a dork who likes you because you have a nice butt." Name smiled at this weirdly candid moment from the bounty hunter. "It's someone else. Someone very close to you. Someone who you're so comfortable with that you've probably never even looked at them that way. Someone who may have slipped me thirty bucks to hint this to you. Someone who- and I mean this in the best possible way- is just as much of a loser as you are.

"I… I think I finally understand," Name said. She slowly raised her hand and placed it softly upon the breastplate of Samus's armor.

"Wrong," she chided.


	47. Lovers Retoonited (Reader x Toon Link)

Nick Name found herself at the same place she visited whenever she was feeling troubled, outside the welcoming door of Jigg and Vill's room. Since her last visit, it had been redone in light purple with a starfish motif for the summer. A bell on the other side tinkled the first couple of notes from the latest Smash theme as she let herself in to find Jigglypuff in her green headband huffing away to a zumba routine on the apple-shaped television. She was startled by Nick's entry and stopped the workout tape.

"Jigglypuff puff poff," she requested, dashing off to the bathroom to towel off.

"That's ok, take your time." Name glanced around at the small kitchen display that greeted visitors. She poked inside their green vintage refrigerator, which was lined with gigantic shiny apples and what looked to be cupcakes. She closed the fridge door and noted the sticker chart held up towards the bottom with a bumblebee magnet. Shaped like a pyramid, it kept track of Jigglypuff's fitness achievements. "The big 1 pounder!" said the very apex, which Jiggs had yet to achieve. Cheering Villager faces had been drawn all along the sides.

"Jiggle jiggle," said Jigglypuff from behind, kindly gesturing for Name to step aside as she placed another sticker in the lower ranks. She had a towel on her head and a water bottle.

"'The big one-pounder,' huh?" Jigglypuff replied with a "puff puff jigger," making a flexing motion. Nick whistled. Jigglypuff floated to the kitchen table and attempted to pat the seat next to her invitingly but ended up just bobbling up and down. Name sat and buried her face in her hands while her Pokemon friend looked on.

"Oh, Jigglypuff," Nick sighed, which made Jigglypuff gasp in surprise. Nick had never used her full name before. The only person who called Jigglypuff by her full name was Jigglypuff. This was serious. Jigglypuff crossed to one of the kitchen cabinets and pulled something out of it, which she placed on Name's head. Nick swatted at it blindly and smoothed it out on the table.

" _Sad Means Sad. (For Girls!)_ " read the pamphlet, but this time it was purple. Name flipped it over. There were some pictures of Wiifu in helpful yoga positions, steps on suicide prevention, and yet another unexplained uterus diagram. "Why do you have this?"

"Jiggle," Jiggly looked down sadly.

"Have you ever loved someone so much you're sure they're the _one,_ but then they reject you?" Name asked. Jigglypuff nodded in understanding, then pointed to the counter. "That's a bag of marshmallows, Jiggs."

"Jiiiiggly," said Jiggly, her cheeks a little pinker than usual.

"Shulk said it won't work out between us, and then Samus tells me there's someone else out there I should go after, but darn it, Shulk is the only one I will _ever_ love! He's like the black crayon to my Pittoo-" her head shot up. "Pittoo! Oh God, no, Pittoo."

There was a nervous knock at the door. Jigglypuff went over to it and for the first time Name noticed the dog flap just off the ground, Jigglypuff-sized, for the puffball and her lack of opposable thumbs to enter and exit through. "Jiggle jig?" she asked, poking her head out.

Lucina's voice came through. "Hi, is Villager here? I wanted to make sure he knew that you can stack fruit in your inventory if you drag one piece on top of the other. I don't know what it means, but I was trying astral projection last night and a little dog told me to tell him. It must be of the utmost importance!" Name prayed silently that Jiggs wasn't in one of her more hospitable moods and wouldn't invite Lucina inside. Then again, you could be a piece of smoked salmon on a stick and you'd still get invited to Jigglypuff's bat mitzvah.

"Puffy puff, jig jigglypuff puff."

"I don't know what that means, but thank you for not hurting me," said Lucina. It seemed Jigglypuff was determined and tried again as Name mashed her head into the table, looking over the sadness brochure again while she waited. "Sometimes you are sad! It is okay to be sad! Tell your friends when you are sad so they can cheer you from the sideline and you will see them and they will smile and you will use the power of your happy face to become the winner." A sloppy hand had annotated this with a "YeS..." in black marker. Underneath that was a picture of a Wii with some orange juice dumped on it. "DO NOT WANT!" it said. "Your Wii is not thirsty. It does not want orange juice." What, did Dr. Mario outsource the copywriting of his shitty pamphlets to R.O.B.s? Did he even read these before handing them out to people?

"Oh, you want me to open the door. Okay, yes, I can do that!" Then the front door creaked open and Jigglypuff drifted towards the stove simply beaming as she put on hot water. Actually she simply turned on the stove, as the kettle and water in it had been preset so Jiggs could make tea while Villager wasn't around. Lucina hung her cape up on the coatrack and was rambling something about doors and how they related to her father until she noticed Name.

"Name!" she cried with glee. "This day just got even better. You have to tell me all about last night, Name, I was so excited about it I couldn't even sleep last night!"

"lttlmcsstpdjrkthnihdsmbrprty," grumbled Nick.

"Oh no, did you get the sad pamphlet too?" Lucina sat down where Jigglypuff had been and put her hand on Name's folded elbow with care. "I get one every time I come in for nurse duty. What's wrong, Name? Did Little Mac hurt your feelings?"

"No, Shulk did. Now we'll never be together." ("Puffity puff," Jiggly said to the stove.)

"Ohhhh that Shulk! I'll knock his block off! How _dare_ he hurt my best friend!" roared Lucina. The door opened and shut. Name looked up and gasped. "I'll saw his bones into pieces and feed them to my cactus! I'll write the _angriest_ haiku about him! I'll-" Nick slapped a hand over her mouth. Lucina followed her line of sight and there was Monado Boy standing in the doorway.

"Ah, I… I should go. I came to see if Jigglypuff was free for her weekly typing lessons, but…" he scratched his head. "Name, I didn't think you'd get so upset. I'm… I didn't mean it personally."

"Hah!" snorted Lucina. "I guess you're really _backpedaling_ it now, eh Shulk?"

"Puff!" Jigglypuff set on fire.

Everyone screamed. Shulk grabbed the cape off the hat stand and dove on top of Jigglypuff, wrapping her in it and smothering out the flames. He got up and turned off the stove, letting out a breath. "Jigglypuff, you have to be careful. You're highly flammable," he said, wiping her tears.

The door burst open again. ("What is it, visiting hour?!" Name cried in exasperation.) Little Mac sauntered in with Toon Link hot on the trail, trying to imitate his poses. Though Toon Link mostly hung out with Pittoo he secretly had a fervent admiration for Little Mac and looked up to him.

"Hey hey, I'm givin' the little guy some tips on picking up ladies. We saw Shulk goin' in here and heard some lady screams, so thought we might check it out." He spat on his palm and used it to slick his hair back. "Hey Name." Mac leaned onto the fridge, looking like a falling tree trunk. "Luce." Toon Link leaned in the same fashion but on Shulk's leg where there was room. "Just the ladies I wanted to see." Mac turned to instruct Toon Link. "Perfect teaching example right there. Now, notice how Lucina has a real flat butt while Name's got a really nice round one. Now Jigglypuff, see, she is _is_ a butt. _Perfect_ circle. Man, I'd like to give that a good squeeze."

"Jiggly?!" Jigglypuff said, taking offense. Shulk made a face and went towards her defensively.

"Hey, Toon Link, why don't you show 'em some of the smooth moves I taught you?" Toon Link nodded, then hobbled up to Nick Name like a possessed bobblehead, tugging on her pant leg.

"What?" Nick said, humoring him.

Toon Link pointed to his crotch. "You suck?" he asked. Name pounced immediately, grabbing him around the waist and hoisting him up with intentions of chucking the boy out the window.

"Listen you shitty little pinata, I've had it through the _ROOF_ with you AND your stupid band! If you so much as _look_ at me at Ness's party I will cut your dick off, got it?! The only dick I am sucking is Shulk's, and he won't even let me! WHY DOESN'T THIS WINDOW OPEN?!"

Little Mac shifted his eyes. "Hey, are we havin' tea?" Jigglypuff stuck her tongue out at him.


	48. Yo! She's Pretty Fine (Reader x Yoshi)

Somehow one thing led to another and over the course of the next hour everyone just decided to settle down for a small pre-party in the Villager Villa. Jigglypuff even let Mac hang around to honor her roommate's custom of letting anybody walk into your house to stay as long as they want. Name, however, was not as inviting. Every time someone came close to bumping into an object or dared to put the single toe of a foot in their mouth Name would loudly groan and chastise them like the house was hers. She did not care for any of these people right now, Shulk included. Mac told bad jokes that Toon Link applauded and Lucina pretended to understand while Shulk supervised Jigglypuff's typing technique. Name lazed across an easy chair. Then a repeating, dull "WOMP" began to pound the front door every few seconds.

"I'll get it," she groaned, determined not to let anyone else inside the increasingly-small house. She opened the door to see Robin in full _Stinker_ garb backing up. Apparently he had been power-walking his entire body into the door like he was being controlled by Twitch.

"Name. Just the person I needed to see. it's an emergency," he droned, "It is terrible. Our amp. The one we use for music. It got stolen and without it we can't perform."

"And what's the bad news?" She smiled.

"We think it was a _Heartbreaker_ ," he said like he was reading off a script, "You're the only one who can get it back." Well, that was odd. Heartbreakers were the main antagonists from Nick Name's sole Nintendo game, _HEART PUMP PANIC! YES TO CUPID! DESTINY DECIDED!_ , which was often localized by diehard fans as " _IN THE NAME OF LOVE!"_ In the game Heartbreakers (small, fat grey devils wearing wifebeaters) went around destroying relationships which Name had to personally rekindle to beat the level. Don't look it up.

"That's weirdly specific," she said, skeptically. Despite her inclusion in Smash Bros Ltd.'s 4th quarter, the company rarely featured any trophies or stickers from her franchise.

"But _Death Stinks Politely_ is headlining the talent show tonight, and if we can't play then the whole party will be ruined!" The entire room gasped and somewhere in the distance a piano slammed for dramatic effect. Even Name was surprised. Robin had mustered up the energy to end a sentence with an exclamation point! This was a big deal! Robin glanced at his hand. "And if that wasn't enough conflict to interest you… The show will be ruined… and the prom is _tomorrow!_ " More gasps and another piano crash. "Actually I meant to say tonight." Dun dun dun!

"There's a _prom!?"_ Name sparkled.

"Yes, there is a quick dance after the final show," Robin clarified.

"Wow! I've always dreamed of going to a real prom and not getting kicked out this time! But who am I going to _go_ with!?" She instinctively dodged Little Mac's arm as it attempted to swing around her shoulder.

"You'd better decide quickly," Robin said, "The company only let us rent the space out for three hours, so there will only be time to dance with one person at the end of the night. But if we can't get that amplifier back, there won't be anyone to dance with at all." Another dramatic piano sting. Jigglypuff grabbed a small broom and started slamming it against the floor. She and Villager lived right above Ganondorf, who, when not writing his novellas, spent his time keying terrible tunes at his large pipe organ. After a few good whacks the music stopped.

"Looks like it's up to Nick Name to _save the prom!"_ she cried. Name dashed out of sight. Her body was full of sudden energy and her mind full of sudden of daydreams of a dashing, mostly-nude Shulk wheeling her around on a dance floor. On the way downstairs she zipped past Ganondorf in a Beethoven wig. Name's brain did not register him for obvious reasons. Ganon replaced her in the open door of Jigglypuff's home like an ugly mailman.

"Can't a man be appreciated for his efforts!?" he thundered.

"You suck!" said Toon Link.

After a good twenty minutes of searching Name finally happened upon a Heartbreaker trail; a soft, whirling stream of purple stink that lead right to a broken heart. She followed the trail to the company basement, still in disarray after the raid on Wario's place. Palutena and Pit were investigating the scene and ordering wire frames around like the actually had any authority whatsoever and Palutena hadn't just decided to play cops and robbers this week, make Pit sew her a sash, and call her his Chief.

Name snuck around the two of them, not wanting any hinderance on her love quest. She followed the trail to Wario's card room where it stopped. There on the other side of the overturned table was her prey, fat, grey, and proudly sporting a wifebeater. The only problem was that it was Yoshi covered in makeup.

"What the fuck?" Name rose from her hiding spot.

"(Sorry Name!)," he squeaked, "(They said I could maybe rejoin the band if I kept you away from the setup for a few more hours!)"

"What the fuck?" Name repeated, not at all fluent in Yoshi's language. He clarified by speaking her language instead and shooting his tongue at her. It latched on to Name's cheek like a hookshot and dragged her into his tummy where she was promptly stored inside of one of his eggs. Name struggled to break free but Yoshi was sitting on her and she was unable to move."Mrm de mup!?" she said again.


	49. Treasure Her Always (Reader x Olimar)

The time spent inside that egg could not be measured in human time. An egg was like a party ball - and this time Nick Name was the zygote, but for how long was a mystery. The official records of what occurred during this time have since been lost to history, and thus scholars have been made to piece together the events using primary sources from the same period.

 **Found diary entry - "Big Day"**

I tried to reach Father last night by sending my Astral Self back to Ylisse. My Astral Self (hereafter AsS) is named Moocina, and appears as a red cow with black hair and fangs. She is the Vampire Princess of the Dimensional Umbra (hereafter DUmb). AsS did not reach my homeland but ended up in another place, on a beautiful beach covered in pink shells. I was approached by a little dog named Goldie who told me that Villager must know something of vital importance. By pressing "A" in front of a fruit tree, you can reap its delicious bounty, and what's more, the fruits you gather can be stacked in the inventory by dragging them atop one another with the stylus. Such wonder! I returned to my physical being to relay this information from the celestials at once, but I thought I should take it up with you first, diary.

Anyway, Ness's birthday party is today! I wasn't invited, but I'm going to be outside the rec room to greet guests as they enter so I can attend vicariously! Do you think I should start a blog, diary? I think there might be girls out there who are struggling to make friends as I once did who would appreciate my guidance. I have lots of advice to share, and plus I could post some of my poetry! I think it'd be a great idea! I must be on my way now though. I have to share my special news with Villager quickly if I'm to make it to my psychiatrist appointment today at 1 pm… Marth is paying for a psychiatrist because he wants me to get better, but I don't even know what's wrong with me, diary! :(

 **From: shellofaguy To: "Luigi Mario"**

 **Cc: "Greninja", "Charizard" Bcc: "Wr. Wario"**

 **Subject: Re: End is Nigh**

All the more reason to be careful. I've been so on edge ever since the kids were given a contract at Smash Bros. trying to keep the environment safe for them. I've those Fire Emblem reps to worry about, and now this! Thanks for including me in the loop and please let me know what it is I need to do for the ritual. It's for the children.

Gentlemen,

I regret I did not become aware of the coming darkness sooner. Nonetheless now that Dark Events have been set into motion, we must make haste IMMEDIATELY. The next full moon is in 30 days so the ritual needs to be done TONIGHT. I'm sending Charizard the wax figures since that's been his charge traditionally but everyone else please CONTACT ME about the remaining tasks. This is dire work our lot has been tasked with but we are out of time to complain…

Luigi Mario

Smash Bros., Ltd.

~~ Fate cannot be changed, only rectified ~~

" **IT'S NOT A DIARY!" ENTRY 47: FRIDAY!**

TONIGHT IS THE BIG NIGHT. I'M NOT NERVOUS OR ANYTHING BUT I THINK I MIGHT BE SICK… I'M JITERRING! WHAT THE FUCm FUCK? SEE I EVEN MESSED UP WRITING. I DON'T EVEN _CARE_ IF NICK NAME SHOWS UP SO I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M SO NERVOUS OR WHATEVER… I JUST HOPE SHE DOES… I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THE FINAL SONG FOREVER THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE LYRICS WERE FROM LIKE 8TH GRADE AND I JUST ADOPTED THEM FOR THIS FINAL PURPOSE… I HOPE IT GOES WELL. IT'S TRUE ART FROM THE SOUL. I SHALL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS POEM…

SWIRLING, DARK, SWIRLING

SKULLS IN THE FOREST

I LOOK ALL AROUND, BUT YOU AREN'T THERE

YOU BETRAYED ME AGAIN

BYE.

" **Adventures of an Ordinary Boy"**

 **Posted Friday, 6:18 AM**

Hello everyone! It's Physics Friday again! I know it's been a while between updates, but I assure you the wait will be worth it. Today I'm sharing a video tutorial on how to make your own bottle rocket that really flies! Riki's helping me in the video, so you guys should comment whose rocket you think is better! Riki reads every comment, and I mean EVERY one. He also might contribute posts from now on under the handle Bloggerpon since I've been so busy with the newspaper. Keep an eye out for him! - Shulk

 **Olimar's Voyage Log: 2702 Days Since Impact**

Whilst on one of my explorational excursions on the lower levels of company grounds today I happened upon what may be the finest specimen of Yoshi egg I have yet seen. It had been left behind, strangely, yet was perfectly intact, untainted by the folly of man… I had assumed it was some undigested inanimate breakfast food inside, but the egg was so heavy I had not the sufficient Pikmin to lift it. A shame… The time it would take to return with the proper reinforcements would grant the dinosaur the chance to reclaim the beauty. A sad man am I, left to admire it from afar...


	50. Sealed with a Kiss (Reader x Roy)

Name finally breached the egg, screeching victoriously like a gooey newborn velociraptor. She clawed at the air and wiped the remaining yolk off of her eyes. She'd never look at Raw Egg Day the same way again. ...Wait, crap, what time was it!? Name scrambled to her feet and looked around frantically for a window or a clock in the surrounding ruins. She tripped over the statue of Shulk she had carved from the night before and left long, sticky egg trails like strands of saliva dangling on everything she passed.

"Bluugh!" She shook her body vigorously, trying in vain to get the stuff off of her. She couldn't go to the party like this! What's more, the very sexy pair of overalls she had secretly borrowed from Mario's wardrobe that morning were totally ruined! _Now_ what was she going to wear to the party!? There was barely any time to think. Name dived into a nearby dumbwaiter and pressed the up button. The small lift lurched and groaned as it carried her up to the kitchen, emptying her onto the floor with an unceremonious _splat!_ Name rose and pushed open the swinging doors of the kitchen, slogging through the cafeteria. The diners watched her with some interest.

"I like your yolk, Name," Wiifu said passively, "At least the egg is running, unlike your cankles." Name smiled icily and flipped Wii Fit Trainer and her dinner the bird. Tonight was Hair Night, when they served everyone a different plate of hair. Any hair was acceptable, from any animal and any part of the body. Wiifu had a modest plate of elephant fur in front of her. Hair Night was another fun roulette dinner Name would've loved to participate in, but it only started at 6:30, and it looked like most of the brawlers had already cleared out. It had to be almost seven now! Name was going to be late for the party!

"If I'm going to be late, I'm going to be _fashionably late!"_ she proclaimed, receiving more stares. Name slopped her way over to _Alternate Costumes_ , the building's surprisingly chic fashion outlet. The store was deserted save for Diddy Kong who was swapping his regular company cap for new hats in front of a mirror and striking different poses. The clerk, an eccentric-looking man in a blue leotard with rainbow accents watched him expectantly.

"Hey you!" Name cried, "I'm going to a party an hour ago and I need the hottest outfit on the block, stat!" The man hopped up with excitement and pulled out a series of dresses for Nick to wear. He presented a line of varied outfits.

"Never fear! Captain Rainbow is here!" he sparkled, "I'll help your dressing-related wishes come true! You go get cleaned up and I'll grab eight outfits for you to chose from" Name nodded and went into one of the dressing booths, all of which were conveniently lined with showerheads just in case the koopalings started a fire again. Name hosed off and slipped into a version of her regular outfit that Rainbow threw over the door.

"Any of these catch your fancy?" he smiled as she opened the door. The first dress was a rather ugly version of her original sprite from _IN THE NAME OF LOVE_. She wasn't feeling the retro look tonight and shook her head no. Rainbow threw the outfit in a random direction without changing his expression and presented the next one: a big orange parka. This was also from her original game. Players were rewarded for fast completion times with new outfits. The faster they played, the more clothing Name had to wear in the ending cutscene (a practice she found insulting). She wooshed this one too and off it went.

The third dress was black and villainous with a bottle of white hair dye. This was for when Name was feeling especially tryhard or DeviantArt. She remembered noticing a drawing Pittoo had done of her in this outfit and immediately rejected it.

"Hah! Good luck turning any heads with _those_ lame outfits," said a whiny voice from somewhere unseen. Name looked around for a speaker and after a moment the red-haired JRPG boy she bumped into last night emerged from the middle of a circular clothing rack. Name got the impression he wanted his entrance to look cool but he stumbled twice on a hanger.

"Oh, red Marth," she said, still focused on her outfits.

"The name's _Roy_ , lady," he smirked as if to say "and don't you forget it!"

"That's nice," she ignored, throwing away the green dress, which was ugly by obligation.

"If you really want to look cool at that party, you need to wear something sleek and hip, like these!" he sneered, gesturing to his weird bell-bottom pants. "Not that you could out-dress me!"

"Oh, are you going to the party too?" Name said cautiously. This party was getting really bad.

"Pffft! Pssssh! PFFFFFT! No! I wasn't invited!" he said, smugly. "Not like I would've gone even if I _was_ invited, I'm above all that." Who did this kid think he was, Gary Oak? He was like all of the worst features of Marth and Pittoo rolled into one inconvenient, pint-sized package. Name rolled her eyes and threw away a blue dress. She was running out of options. The non-falcon captain handed her a white outfit with a pretty top but a dress that was a little too plain.

"Come on, this is a party I'm going to, not an abstinence convention!" she groaned, "I need something that's 40% cool, 10% eye-catching, 50% 'screw me.'" She eyed Ginger Smugly and the outfit he was so proud of. "...Say, Roy" she said in her come-hither voice, "Would you mind… helping me try this on?" Roy shuddered like he'd stepped on Pikachu's tail.

"S-sure thing! I do this kind of all the time!" His smugness faded and was replaced by the obvious virginity in his voice. The two slipped into the dressing room. Rainbow, surprisingly used to this sort of thing after a tryst with Birdo, heard a CONK sound. A moment later Name zipped out of the stall wearing a sleek new outfit. "Hey! My pants!" cried Roy in his undies.


	51. PK Fiery Passion (Reader x Ness)

Nick made for the company Recreational Center, the lame on-site event venue with an underwhelming stage that looked out over the empty floor space. Rumor was, though, that Lucas had gone all out as the official activities manager and rented a ball pit. The tell-tale screech of a misconfigured keytar amp from inside heralded Name's arrival at the double doors, where Lucina was explaining Astral Projection to Morris, who looked as though he had tuned her out a while ago and fallen asleep. Lucina had graciously been given a cheese cube on a stick by one of the party-goers though not invited inside.

"Abandon hope all ye who enter here," Name read off the banner that hung above the doors. It was done with black marker in what could only really be the atrocious handwriting of Satan himself. "Lemme guess, the Little Tikes contributed this fine piece of art?"

Morris said nothing. The other bouncer, a new Agent with a ridiculous swirled blonde pompadour, held a clipboard and stared into space as though he were an NPC.

"Hello?" she tried. The Agent sprung to life.

"What is! Your! Name, please?!" He flashed his teeth at her.

"Uhh... Name. Nick Name."

"Woah! Looks like you! Are on! The! List! Come on! … In!"

"Oh, Name!" cried Lucina, taking notice. "Cute pants! Welcome to the party!" She scraped off a piece of the cheddar cube with her teeth. "I'm the unofficial guest greeter and bodyguard company-keeper! Nobody ever thinks about bouncers' feelings, am I right?!" Pompadour twitched at the corner of his mouth. Morris snored loudly.

"Wow," said Nick. She thought about how to finish that thought. "Wow."

"Have fun at the party!" Lucina called as she entered the Rec Center. The space was filled with round tables for guests, each lined with a white cloth and Mr. Saturn-themed centerpiece that may have just been an actual Mr. Saturn. Ness, wearing a tuxedo and his usual baseball hat, stood by the punch bowl conversing with Marth, who nursed an unexplained glass of white wine. Aside from the three idiots setting up onstage in their ridiculous goth wear, the other present guests so far included Lucas, Sheik, a little boy in a blue newsie, and Slippy. Slippy occupied the ball pit of lore, a blow up raft scantily lined with rainbow plastic balls like they were lingerie.

As she approached them, Ness was offering a thoughtful "OK" to whatever noise pollution had just spouted out of Marth's mouth.

"Don't give me that. I'll let you in on a secret: the _peasant_ children learn to drive at fifteen. The _rich_ children learn to drive at fourteen. You're in the big leagues now, my boy."

"OK," Ness said, not wanting to argue. He bought Ness a _car?!_ It was probably just to show everyone else up. Speaking of which, Name realized, the glitter pen she had bought for Ness was floating around somewhere in Lucina's room. Oops.

"Hey there, Nestle. Happy birthday, champ!" said Nick empty-handedly.

"OK!" said Ness.

Marth scowled. "What in Ashunera's name are you _wearing?_ " he asked.

"Oh, I forgot, these weren't invented in your time." Name spun around to give a 360 degree view of Roy's trousers. "They're called _pants._ Puh-ants." The Prince snorted though accepted defeat.

"I'll have my chauffeur give you lessons if you so wish," he continued, turning to Ness.

Nick chimed in. "You probably won't need them though, 'cause my gift is a whole ton better than a lousy _car._ Guess what I got you."

"OK," said Ness, who did not guess after thirty seconds of silence.

"Uh, well, it's my undying friendship!" She picked up Ness like he was a pillow and gave him a big squeeze. "FRIEEEENDSHIP!" she squeed. Ness's words were muffled into her boobs.

"MUH KEY," said Ness.

"That's _disgusting,"_ said Marth, losing his appetite. He brushed his bangs to the side and took a sip of wine. "Tell me, was Lucina there when you came through the door? I don't want to check."

"That's enough friendship now." Nick set Ness back on his feet and gave him a pat on the head. "Yup, she's outside talking to Morris. I think. I think he's asleep. She's as chipper as ever."

"Ugh," Marth said enraged, "I give the woman a piece of cheese in hopes it will satisfy her insatiable appetite for running up my temper, and she still hangs about like she's entitled to something. Top me off, my boy. I'll need all the liquid courage I can get to survive this crowd."

"OK," Ness obliged. He snapped his chubby fingers and up toddled Toadsworth, Peach's usual assistant, struggling with a bottle. Toadsworth strained on his tip toes to reach the empty glass and pour the wine without spilling. Then he toddled away, muttering about the no good youth. Nick left the two to their devices and headed for the stage, drawing a long sigh.


	52. PK Fiery Passion (Reader x Lucas)

Lucas's swoopy blond hair was all unkempt as he dashed back and forth conducting various stagehands and performers around the venue. Name had only met Lucas once or twice. Nice kid, but he was a ball of nerves. Pittoo, seeing Name, jolted up and knocked over a drum set.

"H-hey! Careful!" Lucas frittered. He hopped up on the stage with a great amount of difficulty due to his tiny stature and began chasing after a rolling cymbal.

"Not a big deal," Pittutu spat, "We didn't need those drums. Everyone in our band has _their_ instruments." He smacked his keytar to demonstrate and it honked out a scream. The noise startled Lucas who missed his chance to grab the cymbal as it toilet bowled loudly on the floor.

"B-but the other acts need the drums, and if they don't have them the party will be ruined!"

"Pffft! Pfffffffft! Yeah, but none of those acts are _headlining_ , are they?" he blubbered his lips in obvious contempt. Lucas looked around helplessly for some kind of counterargument and found none. Pit Ew leaned against the mic stand like a finally-successful Little Mac and looked down at Name. "So, I guess you decided to show up after all!" He tried to sound smug but the legitimate joy in his voice was pretty obvious. Name sneered at his makeup.

"I just showed up to give Ness my present, which was hugging him into my boobs. Now I'm going to leave so I can find Shulk and give him the full package." Dark Pit stumbled.

"W-what if Shulk was here? Then would you stay!?" Name enjoyed seeing Pittoo squirm.

"Sure, I guess," she said innocently, "Then I can kiss him right here in front of the stage."

"NO! No!" Black feathers flew in the air in desperation. "Hah, h-ha! I mean n-n-not that it matters to _me_ but… I heard Shulk has a… a gross disease! Like jaundice or dysentery or whatever! And while I think that's pretty cool because I'm against the system and like germs and stuff, you might get a sickness."

"THE SICKNESS INSIDE / IT WAS ALWAYS THERE / CURE ME DOCTOR / YOU CAN'T / WHITE BLOOD CELLS TURNED BLACK / WHERE IS MY LOLIPOP NOW?" Name recited one of her favorites from the Pome Tome, a verse Dark Pit had written after his first in-company doctor visit when Doc confirmed it was impossible to remove "the darkness in his soul" with a surgery. She recited it to mock him, but Pittoo actually smiled as though her remembering the poem was a sign that she agreed with his point. He turned to Robin.

"Hey Grima! Go find Shulk, okay!? A-as long as Name promises not to kiss him!"

"Okay," Robin turned away but Pittoo interrupted him with an unsubtle clearing of the throat. "Oh, yes. I forgot to be in character. Sorry. Ahem. _I do not take orders from you. Grima has no master_. _But I will do it anyways_. _Because I want to_." He pivoted slowly towards the door.

"Y'know, Shulk wasn't invited," Name smiled, "One of you will have to give up your plus one to get him in." Dark Pit crossed his arms in a grand motion.

"That's cool," Pittoo said, "He can be _my_ +1." He puffed out his chest like that was big of him.

"But I'm your plus one," Grima said, pivoting back.

"Yeah, I know, you're fired. Sorry man, that's _showbiz_."

"Okay."

"OK!" said Ness, overhearing the conversation. Through a series of nods and OK!s Ness made it clear that whoever wanted to come was free to show up. In fact that's pretty much what happened anyways as Name wasn't invited in the first place. Dark Pit heroically offered to give her his invitation but everyone ignored him. Lucas, hearing this offer, jogged over sweatily and expressed his worries about being unable to feed and seat any extra guests but Ness insisted that it would be OK.

"Looks like you're back in the band!" Pittoo grinned through evil clown makeup.

"What a relief," Grima emoted with all the skill of Tina Belcher. "I will go find Shulk."

"Then I can kiss him!" Name peeped.

"...Ha! Haaaaaaa...!" Pittoo was shaking. "Y-yeah! Okay, so… If you kiss him, w-which you don't have to! - you should wait to kiss him until after our song."

"Why."

"Because y'know…. t-the mood will be better. There's a dance afterwards! One, singular dance! That'd be a better time to kiss whoever you choose. Shulk. _Not_ Shulk. So many options! Who knows? You might even findsomeonewaybetterthanShulkthroughthepowerofmusic." Name's brain denied her the ability to put two and two together here and she changed the subject.

"How did you guys even wind up headlining this thing?"

"Well, other than being _awesome_ , Ness and I go way back, so he managed to pull some strings! This is our first time headlining and we're not gonna mess it up! Because we're great!" Name wondered how Dark Pit managed to make friends with _anyone_ , let alone retain a weird circle of friendship. Suddenly a brief image of Lucina flashed in Name's head. She shuddered.

"Hey Ness," Name turned, "When you said everyone's allowed in, does that include Lucina?" Ness stared at her for a few silent, smiling moments before walking away without answering.

After about twenty minutes a respectable amount of guests had filtered in and slowly filled up the fold-out chairs Lucas had set in front of the stage. There was a quiet murmur from behind the curtain as Name sat down in the front row between Pittoo and Lucas. Two identical eskimos in pink and blue parkas skittered about doing the last-minute cleaning.

"Nice hammer, tiny!" Dedede cried from the row behind, "Go back to Russia!"

"You're heckling the tech crew," Nick pointed out.

"I'm a grown man! Down in front!" he responded. Nick surrendered and turned around to see the cleaners clearing off the stage to be replaced by Master Hand in a bow tie. The lights faded.

"Alright, alright! Welcome everyone! It's a very special birthday for a very special guy! Let's all give a _hand_ to the birthday boy, Ness!" The audience clapped politely for Ness and not the pun. "Now then, we have a great show lined up for you tonight! Starting with... Little Mac's stand-up comedy! Alright! Woo!" Hand floated off the stage while jazz-himselfing and Little Mac stepped out from behind the curtain. He was wearing a squirt flower.

"Uh… hey there, e-everybody!" Toon Link gave a solitary cheer. "Yeah, thanks… thanks a lot… So, I uh, I would've gotten here sooner, but Doc stole my bike, so I had to run over!" Silence. Was that a joke? Mac coughed. "Oh, I get it. You're confused. I meant Doc Louis, not Doc Mario. He's my trainer. He's actually a really nice guy. I uh… He didn't really take my bike. I made that up. For a joke. I shouldn't 'a thrown him under the bus like that. Also, now that I think about it, we live in this building actually, so there's no reason I'd need a bike to get here! ...Hm."

"Tell a joke!" yelled Dedede.

Mac shifted the weight from one foot to another as he carefully flipped through a series of flash cards. The raw schadenfreude curved Name's mouth into a grin. This was going to be a trainwreck. Mac settled on a card and cleared his throat.

"Y-y'know how sometimes when someone's been hittin' you, you get real mad. And you feel your KO meter building, because you get so mad, right?" The audience seemed to be following him. "So then your meter fills, because you're SO mad, yeah? So you go to punch a guy in the schnoz, but then you miss! But you're not angry anymore! It's like, where is that anger goin'? The air?" He reached the part of his note card that said "Pause for laughs" and looked up with an expectant grin at the audience. They did not laugh. "Aw man, these cards aren't workin'..."

"HAH!" laughed Crazy Hand from the back.

"Yeah, uh… that wasn't a joke, but thanks! Uh…" He painstakingly shuffled through his cards with his boxing gloves and settled on one near the back. "...How about some knock-knock jokes? Knock-knock jokes for the birthday boy!" He walked over to the front of the stage and found Ness, who smiled politely. "Okay," he reviewed the card, "'Knock Knock.'"

"OK," answered Ness.

"No, uh… see, you're supposed to say 'Who's there'."

"OK."

"Alright cool. So uh… 'Knock Knock.'"

"OK!"

"C'mon kid, you're killin' me! Don't go off script!" Little Mac dropped all of his cards which scattered across the stage in a pathetic frenzy. "Aw jeez…" He began picking them up.

"Oh no!" Lucas whispered, "This is going terribly!"

"Yeah, I can hear you," Little Mac frowned. Name put her arm around Lucas.

"Don't worry," she said, "Next week this'll be retrospectively hilarious." This did not comfort Lucas who shook nervously in his seat. Pittoo, seeing Name's arm around Lucas, vibrated with jealousy on her other side. The collective shaking was turning Name's seat into a massage chair, which she rather liked. She pulled Lucas closer to her and the shaking increased. "Ah..."

Mac recognized her purring from his fan fictions and dropped the cards again, seeing an out. "Hey! S-so, it looks like miss Nick Name is in the audience!"

"Woo!" cried a distant Lucina from outside.

"Man," Mac picked up the mic stand, "Let me tell you guys about this girl right here." Oh boy. "So Nick Name… Nick Name… she is one funny cat, let me tell you. So many capers we get into together. Like uh… This one time…" he searched. "...This one time I punched her butt!"

"Boo!" cried Dedede, chucking a Waddle Doo at him like a tomato.


	53. Gunning for Your Love (Reader x Mii)

Though Nick had sat over the next half hour through an onslaught of bad performances, this one looked the least promising by far. Blue Tiny Tim or something stood center stage beside a large hamster wearing shoes. "Hello, everyone!" he said. "My name is Luke, and I'm honored to be performing for you today. Thanks for inviting me to your birthday party, Ness!"

"OK!" Ness grinned.

"Anyway, my talent is talking to animals." He turned to the hamster with his hands on his hips. "Hi there! Can you tell us your name, little guy?"

"Name's Rick, mate," said the hamster in plain English. The audience tittered nervously and from the seat beside Nick, Lucas looked like he was going to vomit.

"Oh uh," Luke fumbled, realizing this. "What are your... hobbies?"

"This is not a talent!" roared Ike from the last row.

"No please! I really can talk to animals, I swear!"

"Bugger, mate," said Rick, watching with some amusement as a vaudeville cane dragged Luke off the stage. The fuzzy tech crew returned and lifted him up to be carried away. "Bugger, mate."

Lucas hopped out of his seat and smacked into the stage, hoisting himself up by his stubby arms. "Sorry about that, everyone," he said as he surveyed the audience for any reaction. "Our next act will be, uh…" He seemed to be listening to a hidden earpiece. "Plasterbrain. Woo hoo. Give it up for Plasterbrain." There was a muted smattering of golf claps as a Mii took the stage.

Nick shuddered. Miis were normally pretty ugly, but this one looked like it had hit its face on a garbage can lid coming out of the Mii factory. It had a long dew-drop nose which protruded like a baboon's rear end, and two tea-saucer eyes that swept the surroundings beneath a pair of California-blonde caterpillars. It grinned with satisfaction on seeing the sizeable turnout, a mischievous puckered sour-edge lime of a grin.

"HELLO, SMASHVILLE USA," the little Mii tootled. "CAN I GET A YEAH?"

"OK," Ness said excitedly. Pittoo leaned over to conspire with Name like they were friends.

"Who's _this_ candy ass?" husked Pittoocloseforcomfort in what he hoped might resemble but was very much not an appropriate whisper.

"I dedicate this performance to my _sweaty angle_ , Marth!" said Plasterbrain. It blew a visible kiss that put Nick's to shame, which wobbled over and railroaded onto the cheek of a very nauseous Altean Prince. "LOVE IN THE CROSSFIRE!" The lights trained on her in every neon shade, and she began to bounce up and down, singing something incorrigible.

"That's… d-disgusting…" Marth shuddered, as several standby Agents rushed to dab his face with a handkerchief. Dr. Mario would later confirm that his appetite was finally lost forever.

Pittoo recoiled at the sugary sounds being poured into the microphone. "Ugh, turn it off." Ness bounced to the rhythm, looking excited. Plasterbrain was his favorite! She is a great singer.

Suddenly the music halted, jolting Name out of her cat nap. Lucina had taken the stage and was throttling the Mii at the collar, saying, "Wait until my FATHER hears about this!

"Marth can love only _one_ woman and once his wife _mysteriously_ dies it's going to be ME!" she screeched, shaking the ugly Mii like a set of car keys.

"Exactly, Mii!" choked out Plasterbrain. "Besides! He's- already- my- boyfriend! I decided! And Shulk is- the backup- because- he's a cutie!" Shulk, who had just entered with Grima, did a 180 and tried to leave before Robin intervened and started pushing him the other way.

"Oh NOW it's personal," Nick stood up and cracked her knuckles, jumping on the stage in one graceful movement that made Lucas sort of bitter.

"OK! OK!" Ness said with alarm. He wished his mouth could form any other word, like "not." Pittoo leaned back and scoffed.

"Hah, this is why you should never love," he smirked. "Good thing my dark backstory-"

"Quiet up there! I'm tryin' to watch the show!" snorted Dedede. He raised a Captain Falcon-branded foam finger that read "Yᴇs, I ᴀᴍ ɴᴜᴍʙᴇʀ ᴏɴᴇ." "Go purple lady!" he hollered, maybe referring to Lucina. Or perhaps he was talking about Shantae, who had already performed and left. It was a mystery what dimension Dedede was living in. Present Purple Lady was chasing the little monster around with the Falchion, while Nick tried unsuccessfully to punch it in the face. Spurred on by the eruption of violence, Ike took a sudden interest in the birthday party and thundered to the stage, arriving with a running leap that _definitely_ made Lucas bitter.

"I TOO LIKE TO SHOUT!" he bellowed like a terrible rooster. Thinking this was a game, he scooped up the two women and one goblin in his arms and paraded them around triumphantly. "AETHER!" he cried, and the whole pillar was engulfed in a mystical blue flame.

"Is this... heaven?" said the little Mii weakly as they all burned.

Mac looked up in shock. "Name! Don't worry, babe! I'll be the hero!" He Side+B'd himself towards them from offstage and began punching Ike like a sewing machine, though each hit bounced off the Radiant Hero leaving no wound at all.

Marth recovered to some extent, though was not at all pleased with the turn of events. "Let's go, boys," he said, beckoning for Chieftain and Derek to follow him out.

"You ain't goin nose wheres!" said Chieftain in a strangely whiny voice, unzipping his face to reveal Falco wearing a shit-eating bird grin. "Surprised to see uzzzz?" said the dopey Derek, who was Fox in a suit. "Boy, we sure tricked you."

"Yeah, now hand over da ball pit and nobodys gets hurt!" Marth, decidedly done with everything, Dancing Bladed them into an aching heap, and strutted away with a swish of his cape. Lucina bleated in distress, watching him exit from her place onstage in Ike's weird embrace.

Pittoo was watching the impromptu acrobatics with a bemused expression. Ike seemed to be having the time of his life, doing a little jig while Lucina and Nick swatted around like a pair of angry swimming cats. Plasterbrain, perhaps made neither of plaster nor of brains but of candle wax, was half-melted. Little Mac continued to punch rapid-fire, more enraged by the second. Lucas was in front of the stage, waving at the commotion in a frenzy and deaf to the running complaint commentary of King Dedede. "PK STOP!" he pleaded, to no avail. Master Hand made no movement, a stranger as he was to the lower-rank Smashers; this Ike fellow frightened him.

"Look, Ike, it's not like I _care_ or anything," said Pittoo. "But uh, just so you know, that's _my_ roomie you're holding. So don't get any _ideas_ or anything. And don't destroy the stage either, at least not until my performance. We kinda need it."

Luke poked his head out from behind the curtains. "Don't worry, everyone!" he said cheerfully. "I'll handle this!" He went to talk to Ike. But what sound did Ikes make? "Oooga booga," he tried.

But no, that wasn't right. That was Mac's language. "Oogity boogity," said Little Mac, which meant something like "piss off, little guy." Toon Link had joined the fray and was at his rear, swatting off non-existent enemies, probably like he had learned for some Four Swords type of arrangement which was now used solely out of habit. Luke began to cry, retreating to the main floor where Shulk was consoling Lucas, who had sunk to his knees and gone into PK Shock.

"I asked for a world without gods," said Shulk, comforting a wailing child in each arm. "What have I done?" Pittoo stood in a huff.

"Alright, that does it," he announced to nobody. "We need to start our performance _now._ If we wait any longer, something's gonna blow up, and while I'm all against society and think that's cool and everything, we'll still need a stage in order to perform. Grima! Spike!" Each band member perked up in turn. "Bring me my keytar!" Pittoo's face darkened. "It's time."


	54. Rock and Roll (Reader x Mega Man)

Dark Pit lifted himself onto the stage and landed while slamming a loud riff on his keytar. The horrible screech bored its way into the ears of everyone in the Rec Center and the fighting stopped. Ike dropped his feminine bounty to cover his ears and the two-and-a-quarter women fell to the floor with a dull oomph. Plasterbrain's waxy head rolled off, her features smeared like make-up on a laboratory testing pig. Name thought she looked better this way.

"Everyone siddown!" he barked, smelling of mascara and hormones, "It's time for the show you've all been waiting for! Death Sinks Politely is _here!"_ Ness clapped enthusiastically. This was a much better birthday present than a riot. Probably. "You've sat through comedians, poets, singers, storytellers, and other _garbage_ , and let me tell you, it's all been _worth it!"_

"Garbage!?" Ganondorf rose, "We'll see who's _garbage_ when I'm on top of the New Pork Times best seller list!" The crowd muttered, reluctantly taking Dark Pit's side. Palutena and Pit also took offense to the "other garbage" category they assumed Pittoo had placed them under. In their humble opinion their two-man comedy show was one of the highlights of the evening.

"You're a jerk!" cried regular Pit in defiance.

"Take your top off!" Palutena added.

"Maybe later!" Pitootsieroll cried, "But first, I think it's time to introduce the band!"

"(But what about _my_ act?!)" Yoshi cried, hoisting a bass drum that read _YOSHI'S BIG TRY_.

"Your act's been cancelled! And if you want to be back in a _cool_ band by this time next week then go seal the exits, just in case!" Yoshi reluctantly trudged off and Name looked around suspiciously. Seal the exits? Was Pittoo going to kill everyone? Had he finally joined an actual cult instead of just one of the made up ones in his head? Pittoo slammed another (dis)chord on that thing he called an instrument and gestured to Robin.

"First up, we've got the monster, the mastermind, the ruler of the future, feared by all, the Dark Dragon, _Grima!_ He plays the tambourine." Robin's script instructed him to roar for this part, but his attempt just came out as a low hum. "Easy there tiger!" Pittoo warned. Lucina's post-traumatic stress disorder (which in this case was pre-traumatic because it happened in the future) made her go catatonic. She fainted in Marth's direction on purpose and he stepped out of the way to avoid responsibility of catching her. Ness cheered for Grima in his usual way.

"Next, as unpredictable and dangerous as the wind itself and _five times as pointy_ , we've got our conductor, _The Spikey Whirlwind!"_ Toon Link growled maliciously. Name was doing her absolute best not to burst into laughter and she and Shulk had both whipped out their phones to record the oncoming catastrophe. Samus, in her casual garb, appeared behind Name.

"Name, are you ready for this?" she asked.

"Hell yeah I am," Name snickered, "My phone is fully charged and I've got the 'upload' page on the Lychat System bookmarked." Samus shook her head.

"No," she sighed, "I meant about your romantic match. Did you find out who I meant?"

"Oh, that! Yeah, I figured that out. It _was_ Shulk! You were just testing me!" Name tried to swing a loving arm around Shulk's waist but he sidestepped it without looking up from his notepad. "Haha! See? We're so cute together!" Samus shook her head, exasperated.

"No, I meant-"

"And last but not least, the cool and aloof frontman of Death Stinks Politely, me!" Dark Pit said, dramatically covering part of his face with his hand, " _Angel."_ Name exploded into thunderous laughter like a balloon filled with nothing but giggles that sprung a leak. She had never actually _been_ to a Death Stinks show, only heard their endless rehearsing and rumors of their low quality through word of mouth, but somehow she had never actually heard Pittoo's stage name before.

The room's attention briefly turned to Name who was rolling on the floor, totally immobilized by the throes of laughter. Samus groaned and Pittoo was momentarily caught off guard. "You'll find out soon enough," Samus shrugged.

"...S-see what happens!?" Pittoo recovered, "In the face of Death Stinks Politely's dark sound and wicked talent, people totally lose their minds!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA, nice cover, dork! Ahahahahahaha!" Name continued wriggling helplessly. Dark Pit stared at her jiggly bits for a second and then shook off some horny toad thought. He steeled himself and cleared his throat. This next bit was important. His voice only cracked once.

"This song goes out to a very special someone! I don't have a heart anymore… ever since I turned thirteen it was replaced by a piece of the blackest coal wrapped in barbed wire… but if I _did_ have a heart, this girl would be very close to it." Name managed to finally sit up. She couldn't miss this. What poor sap had Pittoo fallen for? Peach? Wiifu? Lucina? _God_ , Name hoped it was Lucina. If those two had a kid she'd have to call the Guinness Book of World Records to document the most embarrassing person in existence.

Name stood proudly with a straight back next to her perfect match, Shulk. Yup. This relationship was written in the stars. Look at the way he ignored her and completely focused only on his job. Name swooned. She turned back to Dark Pit. She wondered what loser he had fallen for.

" **NAME~!"** he wailed. Her heart sunk into her stomach like a bowling ball in a backpack. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no. Calm down! It's… it's okay! M-maybe he means some _other_ Name!

" _ **NICK NAME SPECIFICALLY~!"**_

Name bolted up and made a mad-dash for the door. Images of kissy-faced Pittoo flashed before her eyes like demons in a fever dream. This was not happening! Maybe if she ran far enough away everyone would agree to never talk about it again. Nick Name and _Pittoo?_ Ugh! His name was onomatopoeia for _spit!_ She couldn't be with him! They weren't a good match! Oh no, this was what Samus had been trying to warn her about! ...But wait a second, she didn't sound _warny!_ Did Samus actually think they'd make a good couple!? That was horrible! Not only did Samus see her at the same level as fucking _Pittoo_ , but worst of all Samus was _always right!_

She skidded to a stop at the front door to the rec center where Marth was standing, tapping an impatient foot.

"If you're looking for the exit, I'm afraid that green mutt of a dragon sealed it with his… ugh, _yolk_.

"That's not enough to stop Nick Name!" she shouted, rolling up her sleeve and throwing a fist at the door, "YAAAAH!" Her knuckles connected with the linoleum with a loud, painful crack, but the door did not budge. "Aaaagh! What the hell!?" She nursed her wounded hand.

"Oh, did I forget to mention the hired guards barring the doors from the other side? Silly me." Marth smiled with the innocence of a full-bellied snake in an empty petting zoo.

" **PLEASE GO ON A DATE WITH ME~!"** Dark Pit sang proudly from the stage, unperturbed by Name's flight. Nick turned to run again but something hot and prickly grabbed her by the arm, locking her in place. It was Samus's grapple beam.

"You can't run away from the truth, Nick," she warned. Everyone was staring at her now. "Listen to that. He's singing his little black heart out for you. You can't deny it." The crowd closed in.

"I-it's not Pittoo! Anyone but Pittoo! M-my true love could be anyone! A-anyone! It could even be Astro Boy here!" She grabbed the nearby Mega Man and swept him off his feet. His body remained stiff. She fiercely kissed at his plastic face like a woodpecker on stone as his mouth stayed shut. He blinked twice. "Look h-how much _chemistry_ we have!" Genuine tears ran down her cheeks and rusted his. Samus looked down at the pathetic girl with an unreadable stare.

"Oh no!" Lucina roused, awoken at the sound of her best friend in danger, "Name! Don't cry!

"IS THAT YOU, DEATH!?" Name cried.

"No, it's Lucina! Your friend! Here, let me soothe you with my poetry! Ahem:"

"AAAAAAH!" Name cried. As Lucina bent down to comfort her un-friend, the tiny Panel De Pon bottle of Love Potion fell out of her pocket bounced noisily into Name's hand. She eyed Shulk.


	55. Finale (Reader x 8-Player Smash)

In her hands was the holy grail of romantic artifacts, the Panel De Pon bubble bottle, designed to win the heart of any person you choose. Name just had to blow this baby into Shulk's eyeballs and he'd be overwhelmed by love's keen sting, and also the sting of liquid soap made in China. She did a cool secret agent roll away from Lucina and started towards Monado Boy.

But wait! Was this really what Name wanted? Life as the lover of Shulk? Nick couldn't even hold a conversation with the guy. He never wanted to talk about how cute he was and how they should make out all the time. Shulk only wanted to talk about science things! Mating with him might improve the gene pool, but hadn't he ditched her in the middle of their carnival date?

"Augh, decisions are hard!" she said in a slump. Her friends stared at her pitifully, and Nick covered her face with a hand, trying to tune out a seemingly endless falsetto note that was way out of Pittoo's league. At that moment, someone tapped her on the shoulder.

Name looked up to see a concerned Captain Falcon. "Need some falcon help?" he asked. He was eager to start something that would put the Politely show to an end. She nodded. Falcon took this cue and sprung into action, producing his own microphone through which his booming voice overpowered the entire band.

"Falcon ladies and falcon gentlemen! It's time to start the show you _really_ came for!" Pittoo looked startled to have his big award-winning note interrupted.

"Is the Rec Center secretly an enormous ship?!" Luke said with alarm. "I knew it!"

"Um, excuse me," huffed Pittoo. "In case you didn't _notice,_ we're KIND of in the middle of an important song here, Captain FAIL-con. Can you do your weird shouting thingy somewhere else?" Angel looked around. "Which one of you gave him a microphone? Guards!"

"Falcon _shut up!"_ Captain countered. "And get ready to play the game show sensation that's been sweeping the nation… IN THE NAME OF LOVE!" The techskimos obliged him with a flicker of the spotlights. "Nick Name will choose from one of eight bachelors to dance with at the prom and later take on a falcon all-expenses paid trip to the CAFETERIA! Give it up for Name!"

"OK!" Ness clapped excitedly. Name blinked, taking this in. It's true her only game had a brief spin-off Japanese game show, but she had never been in it and this probably wasn't what it was like. Regardless, she got up and took the stage at the Falcon's command.

"And now… introducing our EIGHT FALCONTESTANTS!" Captain Falcon spun in a circle, walking about the house floor and twirling the mic while Pittoo et al seethed. "Hailing from the state of New York, Contestant Number One may be small, but boy is he mighty! Put your falcon hands together for… Liiiiiiiiittle Mac!" Toon Link sure put his hands together. The pink stagehand began pushing eight folding chairs onto the stage. Little Mac began a victory lap around the seating area, finally landing on stage and plopping down in his chair.

"Hey Name," he said, casually tipping the chair back.

"Our second Contestant is not actually a canonical character, but an original one for the Kid Icarus universe submitted by a 13-year-old Nintendo fan from Montana. Please give it up for… Dark Piiiiiiit!" Little Mac snorted with laughter.

"HEY! I _AM_ CANONICAL!" Pittoo squealed, stomping up to the platform and taking the third contestant's seat so he wouldn't have to be next to Mac. "And I'm only doing this _ironically,_ and so Name will have a choice she actually _likes_. Hmmph." He slouched masterfully in his chair in a way that hurt the spine to even look at.

"Next, we have a mysterious Smash warrior who comes to us all the way from the mystical kingdom of Hyrule. A falcon round of applause for… SHEEIIIIK!" Zelda with gauze taped to her face excitedly took what was meant to be Pittoo's spot, though noticed her fellow contestants' strange looks and assumed a more aloof demeanor.

"Uh… 'Sup?" she asked to no one in particular.

"Falcontestant Number Four is the only known wielder of a legendary future-telling sword called the Monado. Let's all cheer on everyone's favorite gaming geek… SHUUULK!"

Shulk stammered in surprise at the inevitable. "Technically, I'm not the _only_ one who can wield the Monado, it's just… yeah okay…" He shrugged and sat in his assigned folding chair.

"Don't falcon mess with this contestant! Contestant Number Five is the King of Dream Land and has the attitude to back up the title! Make some falcon noise for Dededeeeeeeee!"

"Finally," growled Dedede, who found he had Lucas's same problem. "Somebuddy lift me up!" Dedede appealed to the contestants on the stage with a friendly flail.

"Yeah, not after what happened yesterday, pancake," retorted Little Mac.

"Fine! I'll just make me a throne right here!" He began producing Gordos and arranging them into a royal chair. "Ouch!" he said, after placing his rump on the spike-covered seat.

Captain Falcon hesitated. "I was not given a falcon bio for Contestant Number Six. He's like Captain Falcon without the "n" and not nearly as falcon handsome. It's Falcooooooo!"

"Beep beep! Outta my way, yous pedestrians! Ace pilot comin through!" Falco scooted along the ground in the ball pit raft, which had been labeled with silver duct tape as "DA SKY CLAW," making laser sounds. Fox pushed the craft from behind, which was no easy task.

"Geez, you're gettin' kinda fat, buddy," he panted.

"High score at McDonaaaaaald's!" Falco replied. The Captain continued.

"Contestant Number Seven has places to go! Follow your falcon rainbow with Sonic the falcon Hedgehooooog!" There was a silence. Sonic the Hedgehog had not been invited, nor had he shown up in the second wave of amiibos party guests. Captain Falcon raised an eyebrow.

"Looks like he had _too many_ places to go," said Sheik, as though it were a joke. Mac chuckled.

"Ness! The falcon BIRTHDAY BOY! Why don't you falcon fill in for Sonic the Hedgehog!"

"OK," said Ness, waddling up to the stage with his unflinching smile.

"And last but certainly not least, our final contestant is already the dream man for young women everywhere. Could he be Nick Name's Mr. Right? Say hello to Princeeeee Maaaaarth!" Lucina whooped and hollered. Marth briefly looked up from his futile task of pulling at the door handle.

"No," he said.

"Okay," Falcon said slyly, ("OK!" agreed Ness) "but just remember that both our last-placing contestant and any falcon forfeiters go home with the falcon BOOBY prize, and no that's not a pun! It's a week-long falcon cruise with Luuuuucina!" Lucina whooped and hollered.

"You'll be hearing from my men, _Douglas,"_ the prince spat, trotting up to the final seat onstage.

"Oooookay!" Falcon hopped on stage ("OK!" cried Ness!). "Let's get falcon started! We have time for Nick Name to ask just _one_ question, which each contestant will have to falcon ANSWER! Then she'll decide which one most tickles her FALCON FANCY! Are you ready?" Ness was ready. Pittoo thought this was stupid because it was "obvious he would win."

Name pondered. "Alrighty then… What would you say if our grandchildren asked how we met?" she asked. Falco made a face like he had studied the wrong week's spelling list.

"Well," Little Mac began. "I'd tell 'em that I went to work one day and saw the prettiest girl in the world. Her butt was heavenly. Every night I'd write stories about the two of us together, goin' on adventures and fallin' in love…Then one day, she found out, but it was okay, because she wrote fanfiction sometimes too. It was fate." Mac looked at her tenderly and fluttered his eyelashes.

"Is this what you people falcon do when I'm not around?" the Captain said in disgust.

"Pshh, puh-lease," Pittoo cut in. "My ROOMIE isn't going to fall for that sappy garbage. She's... cool." It took all his energy to say this, and a monstrous blush settled on his cheeks. "And cool deep women prefer the superior art form, poetry." Lucina whooped and hollered.

"I mean, it's not like I even _want_ to have children with you or anything, but if I had them _ironically_ and then _they_ had children ironically I would read to those children the first poem we write together. I already started one and left it on your bed in case you decided I was really hot and wanted to do a collab after we made out or whatever. …That's it. Quit staring, you guys!"

"That's _disgusting,"_ said Nick, losing her appetite.

Sheik began, "I would say it was a dark and stormy night when we first met and we battled to the death and it was cool and stuff." No one was phased by this. They all had very low expectations for Sheik. The group turned to Shulk expectantly.

"Oh. Is it my turn? I uh…" He tugged at his shirt collar. "I came to work at Smash Bros., Ltd. around the same time as you. So you were there and I think I introduced myself." A shrug.

"My turn," honked the fat penguin. "You came to my castle askin' for pardon for not payin' your tribute and I gave it to ya because I was feelin good that day. Then we all had a banquet that night and ate chimichangas. Mmm, chimichangas!" He patted his belly. "I'm hungry."

"I meant like a real answer," Name glared. "Not something stupid you just made up."

"Well ya didn't mention that earlier so it still counts. Ex post facto, lady! So there." Dedede nodded with satisfaction. "Seriously, though, where is that chimichanga guy?"

Nick looked at Falco, who was contentedly lounging in Da Sky Claw, for his response. "What's da deal wit airline food?" he said off-handedly.

"Is… that your answer?"

"Yeah dats my answer!" Fox gave a "NOICE!" from somewhere in the audience.

Next up was Ness. As expected, he did not produce an answer at first, instead opting to stare blankly ahead of him with a contented grin.

"It's uh… it's your falcon turn," Falcon prompted.

"OK," said Ness.

"Think of something that Sonic would say, since you're his falcon substitute."

"OK," said Ness, not doing that. The group moved on to Marth.

"Hmmph, as if we would have _progeny_ together," he said to Nick bitterly. Lucina whooped and hollered. Nick looked around and considered their responses. This hadn't helped at all! If anything the choice was harder now because she was reminded of all the candidates!

"There you falcon have it, ladies and gentlemen! And now it's time for Nick Name to decide! Just which one of these warriors will she choose? The suspense is FALCON KILLING ME!"

Name swallowed and looked at the ensemble around her. Mac waved. "... I'm ready to decide."


	56. Ike It Or Not (Ike Ending)

ke was the only person Name knew who could fit five meatballs on a fork at once. He did this now, loading his makeshift skewer with ammo from his tupperware, and slid them in his mouth.

"I do not understand, Female," chewed Ike. "I was not a choice. Why have you selected me?"

It was another dreary 9 to 5 at Smash Bros., Ltd., but Nick Name's enthusiasm burned as brightly as ever. She was on her lunch hour with the Radiant Hero, which they took in the courtyard today at the base of an enormous tree in the company of friends. Nick had suggested a potluck, since ordinarily Saturday was the designated "eat your co-workers" day, from which she had been banned for what she thought were very creative interpretations of the theme. Ike had creative interpretations too, sometimes, like when "potluck" meant "bring seven large containers of meatballs and don't share them with anyone."

"Puff!" said Jigglypuff, passing Nick an asparagus quiche to try. She'd tried to make it a double date and brought that handsome bag of marshmallows wearing a top hat. Game & Watch grilled steaks for Diddy and Duck Hunt Dog, while Villager chased butterflies with his golden net.

"I thought since we've been friends for a while, it was finally time." Nick took out a manuscript from her purse and handed it to Ike. "Take a look at that bad boy. It's a big hit on Wattpad."

"'Soren to New Heights. Ike times Soren.' This had better be good, Female. You know I'm allergic to paper." He flipped it over as though its secrets were written on the back page. "And math."

"I'm going to teach you how to read, Ike. And this is how we're going to get started!" she said.

"Jaa," Greninja looked over his shoulder and blushed. "Greninja, nin nin." He lifted it from Ike's hands and thumbed through, looking for a specific section. "Nin." The Pokemon made a sound like clearing his throat and began to read. "Greninja ja nin. Ninja nin nin, greeenin."

"How long have you known about us?!" Ike cried defensively. Nick, though, was more concerned about Greninja's reaction.

"Greninja, have you read this before? Wait... we're not in a mutual Wattpad follow, are we?"

"NIN," he denied, a little too enthusiastically.

"I shall have to confiscate this for later," said Ike, stuffing the entire manuscript down his shirt. You had to admire Ike, sometimes. He didn't even get a boob papercut.


	57. Mac Daddy (Little Mac Ending)

The lights were dim that evening in _The Grrill_. Charizard set down the pair of foofy drinks Mac had ordered for the couple on the table and gave an encouraging, soft growl before lighting the candle with his breath. The firelight danced on Mac's swarthy face and fuzzy eyebrows.

Mac had gotten all dressed up for the occasion. He was wearing a fancy-looking sport coat that was probably his dad's with a hand-picked boutonniere to match the corsage he had brought for Name. Both were exclusively weeds. His hair was slicked back, his teeth had been brushed, and he was sporting a cologne he had found on the floor of Doc Louis's car. Yes, his top half was the perfect picture of a gentleman. His bottom half wore only his usual sports shorts.

"Why… Nick Name," he said with the practiced finesse of a middle schooler, "Might I say, you are looking simply... ravishing tonight." He nonchalantly slid the drink towards himself with his boxing glove and went to take a sip before realizing the tip of the paper wrapper was still on the end of the straw. He fumbled with the wrapper, refusing to break the suave-ish smoulder on his face directed at Name. After almost 30 seconds of failed attempts, he pushed the drink aside.

"It's fine," he smiled awkwardly, "I don't need this drink. After all, the most appetizing thing on the table here… ain't the drink." Name shuddered at his gross line. "It's you." Mac clarified. "You are the most appetizing thing.".

"I got it," Name said bluntly. She was sporting a pajama shirt and what was apparently a very appetizing pair of gauchos.

"Oh, okay. I just wanted to make sure, because afterwards is the part where you say 'Oh, thank you, Mr. Mac. Might _I_ say you are also looking very much like a hunkasaurus.' And then I say "Well thank you. If only my name was Rex. Then I would be a hunkaxaurus Rex.' "Tee hee hee, Mac, you are so funny!' He looked up for confirmation at Name whose eyes were rolling so hard it looked like her pupils were about to enter orbit. "Or, y'know… somethin' like that." Mac quickly fumbled beneath the table with some notecards and hastily erased something he had written on several of them. He had an entire stack of the things. Name groaned.

She wasn't very interested in her date with Mac, and had chosen him in an attempt to make Shulk and the other onlookers think she was a generous person who would give even obvious losers like Little Mac a chance. This would all pay off in the long run, she told herself, imagining Shulk wearing a bathing suit and then not wearing a bathing suit.

"So um… enough about me… Tell me about you?" Mac tried. They hadn't really been talking about Mac at all, but Name was never one to turn down an excuse to talk about herself!

"Well, I'm kind of a love expert!" Name bragged, idly stirring the foof on her drink with her straw. "Right now I have my sights set on a certain cute boy." Mac perked up like a dog hearing the front door open.

"Is it me?" he asked excitedly, "Am I the cute boy?"

"Nope!" she said cheerily, "It's Shulk!" Mac quaked with anger that he tried desperately to suppress. Tonight he was a gentleman, and if he wanted this pretty lady to want his gentleman bits he was gonna have to stay a gentleman the whole night.

"I meant like… literally!" Mac said, "Who do you have your eye on!" Mac knew he'd like this answer. He had stacked the odds in his favor. He was the only other person at the table! :D

"Shulk," Name sighed, dreamily. She gazed at the crude Shulk face she had drawn in her drink. Mac, realizing the date wasn't going well did a purposeful lean forward towards the vase of flowers in the center of the table.

"Ha ha! These flowers sure smell good! Let me just… sniff 'em up close for a sec." Mac pressed his face into the bouquet while making a loud "SNIFF" noise with his mouth. It was super weird looking but luckily Name didn't seem to be paying any attention. Inside the flowers sat Alph in a tiny room that Mac had set up beforehand. The wall parted and Mac's gigantic face appeared. "Hey, Alph, buddy! This date is really not going so great, man! Time to start round two! Let's put my secret plan into action!" Alph nodded wearily and gave his whistle a toot. The tone was too high-pitched for human ears, but it rang out loud and proud for certain other patrons of _The Grrrill._ A moment later Charizard peaked his head out the door, having heard a noise, quickly followed by Bowser bursting out of the kitchen wearing a pathetically obvious bandana like a teenage mutant ninja turtle which concealed nothing and let out a dramatic roar. Name stared.

"Oh! Oh no!" Mac cried, a flower petal caught in his teeth, "It's the dreaded DATE RUINER. I heard about him. He ruins dates, and I sure didn't make him up for this specific occasion!"

"What-"

"I'll save you, Name!" Mac lept from his chair and hopped back and forth in front of his scaly opponent, searching for their predetermined weak point. The Date Ruiner laughed like he was reading off a cue card in a local commercial spot and threw two easy-to-dodge punches. Mac lightly bopped him on the nose in response and the dragon pretend flew back as far as he could jump, landing on the floor with a thud. He waved a tiny white flag in defeat.

"Wow, we sure are lucky, Name! I was worried he would ruin our date, but luckily I'm here!" Name stared at Mac, who seemed to expect a kiss or something. She gave him a victorious pat on the head and went back to daydreaming about Shulk before Duck Hunt Dog and Ike burst in on all fours looking for the source of that whistle they heard earlier.


	58. Monado! Enchant! (Shulk Ending)

Name let out a sigh. "Even after all this… my choice is still the same." She unscrewed the bottle of Love Potion and gracefully brought the wand to her lips, her gentle puff of air producing an iridescent bubble that swirled to the ground and exploded. "That was supposed to go to Shulk."

Shulk scratched his head. "Really?" he asked. "I mean… certainly mine wasn't the best answer."

"It doesn't matter Shulk… I love you." She chucked the bottle in a random direction and took his hands in her own. "And no matter what the future holds, I'm going to cherish every moment." Lucina whooped and hollered until Dedede barked at her to can it. There was a low growl.

"Babe…" said Little Mac, pounding his fist. "I thought I told you Shulk was NOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOD!" He charged at Shulk boxing glove-first, meaning to land a KO punch which Shulk foresaw and dodged easily. Mac countered by revealing the Smash ball he had been hiding in his armpit(!) and began his mighty transformation. Nick used the moment to pull Shulk by the wrist in a sprint towards the double doors. Realizing his Giga form completely, Mac tumbled after them on all fours, his features twisting into a grin on seeing the pair stuck at the exit.

Lucina barred his path with her arms spread out. "Stop! In the name of love!" she cried.

"GET OUT OF WAY!" roared Giga Mac. "You... YOU NOT UNDERSTAND SITUATION!"

"Shit, shit, shit!" Name bounced around like she was stepping on hot coals. "What do we do?!" Shulk swung the Monado around, which unlocked and began to glow. He shouted, "MONADO PURGE!" bringing the blade around in an arc which shattered the egg seal and burst the doors open like a gust of wind. Name's jaw dropped in wonder.

"Woah! I didn't know you could do that!" she told him as the two sprinted into the hallway.

"Neither did I!" said Shulk, and the writer took a sip of her martini.

Suddenly the hall space in front of them was consumed in a fiery explosion. They turned and stormed down an adjacent hall, stumbling up several flights of stairs and entering the Mii room.

"Hey, get out of here!" gruffed a grizzled voice, as the pair crawled under an enormous cardboard box in the center of the room. Snake was playing a game of cards with Pichu and Waluigi. Apparently this was a group password and not a command, as he then dealt them in.

Shulk and Nick Name took refuge in that storage area for three weeks, their location a mystery to all but the Underground Elite and Jigglypuff, who lived two doors down. Eventually Smash Bros., Ltd. forgot about the pair and called off the search. Lucina went on to star in three films.


	59. Twilight Princess (Sheik Ending)

How could she have missed it? All along, her perfect match had been in front of her but she had been too blind and heterosexual to see it. Or Link had been screaming too loudly!

"There's really only one person I could pick," said Name. Pittoo stood up proudly. "Sit down." She bent down and swiped Dedede's hat from of his head, placing it on her own with a 360 degree twirl she hoped made her look like Hazama. "Sheik… will you be my Twilight Prince...ess?"

"YES!" Zelda with gauze on her face squealed loudly. "IN YOUR FACES!" She jumped out of her chair and planted a big, unwanted smooch on Name's lips. Pittoo was left speechless. "I mean uh… You wanna go make out in a closet?" She tried regaining her composure.

"But we're trapped in here until Yoshi's egg wears off," Name pointed out.

"Oh. You wanna go make out on the dance floor?" Sheik offered his/her arm and led Nick to the space in front of the stage, where they hobbled back and forth like middle schoolers.

"That's disgusting," said Marth, losing his appetite.

"Looks like my job here is falcon done!" said the Captain proudly. The techskimos put on the only CD they could find, a 17-minute long Halloween sound effects compilation, leftover from Wario's illicit dealings party, and everyone started pairing up to dance.

"Sigh, this is SO GAY," Pittoo said angrily as Little Mac snaked two beefy arms around his waist. Dedede saw fit to conduct the dance, mostly not wanting to get out of his chair.

Marth rushed to Ike and pulled him onto the floor, looking around warily for any sign of Lucina. "We're dancing," he announced, trying to usher Ike into some kind of foxtrot. Ike began wailing in horror and did not stop for all seventeen minutes. Robin shuffled back and forth alone, while Lucina settled for Fox on the condition he zipped his costume back up. Luke jitterbugged with Shulk like he was his grandmother; Falco and Slippy tried and failed at breakdancing, and Ness thought a promenade on the floor with Ganondorf would be OK.

"Name, you are my dreamy girl forever to be," said Sheik seductively.

"Hah," laughed Name non-committally. "You too."

Everyone discovered the true meaning of Christmas that night, except for the Four Keybearers of the Dark Order, who gave their lives saving the company from the advent of the prophecy.


	60. Love Lesson at PK Pre-K (Ness Ending)

No one had seen Sonic since Shulk assigned him to calculate the planet's mass by measuring its circumference. Sonic had protested that he couldn't remember that many steps offhand and Shulk suggested he find a really long ruler, so off he went.

Ness continued to sit in on Sonic's part for the sake of the date's completion. They had come to the beach today for a small picnic. For the most part, it had gone pretty well. Ness, unable to speak the part, had at least gone out of his way to acquire a Sonic Hat from the Amiibo room. The food was pretty good too. Lucas had spent all morning preparing a healthy brunch of omelets and nut tea from his homeland. Lucas also decided to oversee the date; mortified by his failing as Ness's party planner, he was determined to make sure this date went well. He had even brought a small steak (Ness's favorite) along with something called "fuzzy pickles" that Name didn't dare to sample.

As the evening came to a close and the sun went down, some of the other smashers who had also elected to go to the beach that weekend began packing up and heading home. Lucario was satisfied with his meditation and Meta Knight finished his sunbathing, donning his mask and heading out. As they sat out and watched the sun set over the calm, blue waves, Name came to realize that she had really enjoyed her time with Ness today.

"Thanks for doing this for me, Ness," she said with a sincere smile. Ness nodded. "I know I picked Sonic, but I think... in the end, I'm glad that I ended up going out with you." She leaned down and gave him a small peck on the cheek. "Thanks, Ness." "OK!" said Ness.

"Shark!" cried Lucas, who pointed with a shaking finger to the coast. A series of ominous blue dorsal fins cut through the water and eventually crawled up onto the shore, revealing it to actually be Sonic. He gasped for breath. "I'M BACK, DID I MISS OUR DATE!?"

"EW. Go away Sonic," Name recoiled, "Not like I'd ever choose you. Again. How did you hear about this anyways?"

"A-duh, from the _Xen Chron_ of course!" he said, using a nickname for the paper Nick Name did not approve of. "I got the skinny from the digital edition. Chief Shulk's taking us worldwide! Also- HEY! I can be a cool boyfriend! I kissed a human girl once!" Sonic protested. Name shuddered thinking of all mileage that must've given horrible DeviantArtists.

"You're interrupting the date," Lucas interjected, "This is the part where they stargaze." Lucas pointed up. The stars were gorgeous. They were also falling. It appears the smash ball Lucas kept in his back pocket for medical reasons had broken open. "PK STARSTORM!" He cried. They all screamed, except for Ness who seemed OK with it. The bright blue stars swallowed them and did massive damage. Doctor Mario would not be pleased.


	61. The Meaning of Truth (C Falcon Ending)

"My pick is… Captain Falcon!" Name pointed dramatically. The audience gasped.

"Not too bad," said a certain puzzle-loving professor, analyzing her deductive point.

"F-falcon _me!?_ " Falcon falcon questioned, "But I wasn't one of the falcon choices!"

"That doesn't matter!" Nick cried, removing the potion's bottlecap, "I know you're the one for me! After all, you were the one who organized all this! You're the secret choice! And the secret choice is always right! You were my match all along! Isn't that right Samus!?"

"No," Samus said, her battle armor materializing over her zero suit, "No that's wrong. In fact I'd rather you didn't date the Captain. You'd be a terrible match." She began charging a shot from her arm cannon. "Please step aside."

"I thought you were over him!" Name said in an accusatory voice. The Captain gave her a quizzical look. Dark Pit, still certain he'd win Name's heart in the end, chimed in obnoxiously.

"Ah, unrequited roomie love! I know how you feel, Sammy. Except mine's about to get quitted!"

"Maybe you should just quit," Name spat. She was then knocked offstage by what felt like a medicine ball boring into her stomach. Rosalina flew onstage and recalled her Luma.

"Name, how could you!?" Rosie squeaked, "You knew I had a- a-" her voice lowered in volume, "A bit of a _crush_ on the Captain… I can't believe you'd pick him! Why you… you're… _no good!"_ The audience gasped again. That was the most Rosalina had ever sworn. Luma was in shock.

"Two roommate pairs falling for each other? Man, I must be a pretty good matchmaker!" Master Hand chuckled. He paused bit before matchmaker, clearly searching for an unfound hand pun. Samus aimed her cannon at the princess(?).

"No offense Rosalina, but I don't think Douglas would be interested in a marshmallow like you."

"At least marshmallows are sweet! I'm sure Mr. Falcon would rather be with me than… than a mean old tin can!" Wow, Rosie was on fire. She might even hit E 10+ at this rate. They began fiercely dueling each other on the stage as a bloodthirsty section of the audience cheered.

"Uh…" the Captain faltered, "Well, looks like no matter the falcon outcome of that fight, I'm the winner! While we get that sorted out, how about you… pick again." Name cleared her throat and readied a decisive pointer finger so she could chose who she would spend the rest of her life with through a game of eenie meenie miny moe.


	62. Birds of a Feather (Falco Ending)

Slippy walked through DA LAAAAB up to the pair of love birds, a pun he made repeatedly with the same stupid giggle after it every time, and handed them their meal: Two half-wrapped tacos from Taco Bell. One of them had an unsubtle bite mark on it.

"Aw, dat's no good!" Falco said mournfully in his polo (collar unpopped for the special occasion), "Here, I'll be all gentlemans-like." He lifted the untouched taco in the air as if to hand it to her.

"Well thank you very much, Falco," Name said, "That's very-"

Falco took a large bite of the chaste taco, cracking it to pieces. "Der!" He cried triumphantly, "Now dey's symmetrical!" They weren't. "Poifect for the two… _love birds_." He, Slippy, and Fox who were bald-facedly spying on the date from behind some cardboard boxes all laughed at the joke like it was the first time they'd heard it. "Here ya goes, sugahtits." He poured the taco crumbles onto her plate and licked his greasy feathers while wiggling his eyebrows at her fiercely as though this was sexy.

"How'm I doin'?" He asked over his shoulder.

"Let's check the ray-dah!" Fox suggested, holding up a magic 8-ball. He shook it for a moment and stared into it for a response. "Y'know, this thing kinda looks like a boob if ya squint!"

"How about we hit up dat ahcayd!" Falco said, standing up and deciding dinner was done. He stood in a way that showed off his light-up sneakers. "Yous buyin' goilie! We's progressive here!" Name stared blankly into the distance, contemplating the decisions she had made. Steak Kirby skittered by like a cat scare and all three Star Fucks stood at attention.

"The experiment! It's gone haywire! It's on da loose!" They all chased after it, slamming into walls and toppling their cardboard-and-duct taped city. Name decided she wouldn't be returning for the next quarter at Smash Ltd.


End file.
